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Posts Tagged ‘accurate horoscopes

Aries: be adventurous this weekend. fill your neighbours hot tub with chili and hide behind a bush. laugh as they dip into it and wonder why the water is more delicious than usual. jump out from behind the bush and yell “fiesta!”

Libra: Change your name to Pedro and Run for mayor. The familiarity of the name and its association with the lovable movie “Napolean Dynamite” will appeal to a large population. Be sure too put on a fake accent for authenticity.

Taurus: you were adopted

Scorpio: You will get a facebook friend request today. accept and reap the benefits of online popularity! initiate conversation by a poke or an invitation to farmville.

Gemini: take a nap today in a public place. leave your hat beside you to collect change. use the change to purchase a key. this is the key to your happiness.

Cancer: no one puts on a show like Liza. watch and learn.

Leo: Enter a photoshop contest today. Can’t find one?  Click here

Virgo: Dress up as your favourite smurf today, when people ask you why you are dressed like a smurf simply reply “It’s my prerogative.”

Sagittarius: If you have a headache at all today please be advised that it might be because you are wearing tight underwear.  Going commando today is more effective than Advil (even the migraine kind)

Capricorn: Pooping in a bucket today is not okay, save that sh%t for the weekend.

Aquarius: Some people say that wearing hot pants in the fall is against all rules of fashion.  You, Aquarius are the only one who can get away with this and only today.

Pisces: You will create a new law today that allows you to provoke squirrels with candy bars in public washrooms.

We are so sorry for not writing horoscopes for the past few days, we know you must have been lost without them!! but have no fear, it’s a new week… here are your horoscopes for Monday!

Aries: Thank goodness its monday right? WRONG! It’s going to be a crazy week….after all you work at a candy factory. Someones gotta make em! We appreciate you.

Libra: Dr. Phil once said “its my way or the highway”. Take the highway.

Taurus: This week, participate in a cheese or honey festival. Be sure to dress like a pirate. If you think that the two previous sentences are completely unrelated, then you are foolish.

Scorpio: Your love for the weather man is not just a crush. Pursue him and you will live happily ever after, while reaping the benefits of 50% accurate predictions.

Gemini: Monday nights are the new Saturdays.  Have a party, do something wild.  Have some suicide chicken wings.

Cancer: Paper Maché hats are really in fashion for you today.  I hope you woke up extra early to make one for yourself.  If ,you don’t let it dry long enough you might get pieces of mushy newspaper in your hair.  People will assume it’s bird poop.

Leo: Remember not to steal the cookie from the cookie jar.  We mean that literally, those cookies have been there for a really long might get sick.  I think some of them might even be plastic.

Virgo: I hope you woke up wearing some fancy dance shoes…because today for some reason your legs want to jive…you may not be able to walk without twisting and shaking.

Sagittarius:  If you see a horse today, do not ride it.  It will be the reincarnation of John Lennon.  Imagine riding John Lennon…I don’t think he’d want you to.  Respect his wishes.

Capricorn: Go to the bank today wearing a fake mustache.  Talk in a russian spy accent.  Ask where the auditions for American Idol are.

Aquarius: You may think today is a good day to wear fake leather shoes.  You are wrong.  You will get them wet and they will smell like a dirty sock soaked in sausages.

Pisces: Eggs are your answer today.  If anyone asks you a question, simply answer, “Eggs.”  They will completely understand.  How could they not?

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