Archive for May 2012
Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits. You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend. Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then. You’re aquarius friend is not a female? Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child. Don’t have a child yet? That’s just what he’s made you believe.
Libra: YOu need to do some serious soul searching today. You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found. Perhaps look here. Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans. You are so screwed.
Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today. If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today. Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop. Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.
Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot.
Gemini: Don’t take any chances today! Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today. May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.
Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.
Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.
Virgo: Today you should try and start a social media trend. Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’ When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric. You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”. See how many people hop on with this trend.
Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.
Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.
Aquarius: You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet. If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.
Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.
Ophiuchus: You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust. You are a disgrace Ophiuchus. The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.
Recently Justin Bieber has been in the news for allegedly getting a littly fisty with a paparazzi. We immediately called Justin to see what the scoop was. He told us via Skype that the press has got it all wrong. They said he was leaving the movie theater with girlfriend Selena Gomez. Dead wrong. Justin tells us he was actually just at the gym where he works out and he was with his trainer and mentor, Dana White..who just happened to be wearing a long brown wig and dress, similar to Gomez’ style. Justin tells us that he has been secretively training to become a UFC fighter. We didn’t believe it at first so we contacted his agent who put us in touch with Dana White. We talked to Dana via telephone. He told us that Justin is one of the most promising young fighters he’s ever seen. He believes that even though he’s only had 3 weeks of training he will be able to beat any fighter that gets sent his way and that he will be added to the next UFC lineup. Dana says he believes he is so talented at fighting because he has had to fight off all d’em pre teen bitches for the last few years.
In conclusion, Justin didn’t punch a paparazzi. He actually punched his sprawl partner. Who cried like a little baby and decided to make up an elaborate story and sue Justin for a his donero.
Don’t believe us? LOok at the picture. Clearly a UFC publicity photo.
Put your 3D glasses on, this post is about to get MULTI-DIMENSIONAL!
I know what your thinking, how can a simple blog post be 3D? thats ridiculous. Um hello, I’m pretty sure these words are popping out of the screen as we speak, sucks you can’t see it, it’s mad cool.
Someone who also masters 3D almost as good as us is James Cameron. And he’s probably the only person we know who can release a blockbuster hit a second time with 3D in the title and run away with millions! well probably zooming away on a segway, cause thats how nerds with too much money travel.
That brings us to our newest review – TITANIC THREEEEE DEEEEEE! Yes, Leo still dies in the end *spoiler alert*, No Kate Winslets boobs do not look any bigger, and yes, obviously there is a twist ending (the ship is invaded by a mexican gang). As different and exciting all of this was, it was still a great movie, brought me back to the days of being an awkward grade sevener and wishing Leo would be my boyfriend…things havent changed much. I give this movie 5 ritas riding a segwey out of 5!
what did you think Robin??
Woah chestnut! Hold your horses! 5 Ritas? Are you mad? Have you completely lost your mind?
SHITTY MOVIE STRAIGHT AHEAD!
When I was in grade 8 (ya I’m older than Laura…wiser too and more accurate with movie reviews and horoscopes) I didn’t really get the hype of Titanic. I mean I had posters of Leo on my wall….I thought he was hot and all but I mean, did you see Good Will Hunting? If you didn’t it’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. It’s not your fault. I just realized that if you haven’t seen Good Will Hunting, you wouldn’t get what that’s all about. So go to your local Jumbo Video and rent it, grab some free popcorn while you’re at it. GWH is much better than Titanic, and it was released in the same year. ***Spoiler alert Matt Damon doesn’t die but he does take his shirt off.** Okay back to reviewing Titanic. Why is Rose so fat? Just kidding. But seriously Kate stop eating cheeseburgers…3d cameras add 3 times the weight. Oh hush, hush. I’m just kidding people. So the overall this movie was just as good if not better than Final Destination….Titanic in 3D was just as good if not better than The Final Destination…(that’s the one that’s in 3d). It is really too bad that Devon Sawa wasn’t there to predict the iceberg and save them all, only to have them all die in the by random crazy events. That would have made a great movie. I would have given that 4 rita’s or 5 if it was in 3d. But it didn’t happen…so I’m going to give this movie 2 Rita’s on a boat with Devon Sawa and 1 George Bush eating a cat out of 5. How do you like D’em Apples. (Another great quote from Good Will Hunting…you should see it!)
Okay people. Big news. This is our 300th post. Can you believe it? We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light round-house kick. We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light. He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything. Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog. Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.
Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you. We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300! Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.
Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011. In the future you will know what this means. Can’t wait? We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient. It says: Stop painting with oils. You are really bad at it. (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)
Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body! You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it. Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra. We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact. Spit that chicken out fool!
Taurus: You will have to take care of a sick friend today. He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.
Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.
Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.
Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.
Leo: You need to get some exercise. Go for a swog. You know a swim jog. Yes you can jog on water in the future. It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.
Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.
Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.
Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch. Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.
Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!
Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.
Ophiuchus: You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself. Look down. Do you have a bellybutton? Didn’t think so. Proof..you don’t exist.