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Horoscopes! 300 times more accurate! 300 times less inaccurate!

Posted on: May 16, 2012


Okay people.  Big news.  This is our 300th post.  Can you believe it?  We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light  round-house kick.  We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light.  He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything.  Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog.  Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.

Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you.  We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300!  Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.

Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011.  In the future you will know what this means.  Can’t wait?  We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient.  It says:  Stop painting with oils.  You are really bad at it.  (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)

Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body!  You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it.   Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra.  We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact.  Spit that chicken out fool!

Taurus:  You will have to take care of a sick friend today.  He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.

Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.

Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.

Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.

Leo:  You need to get some exercise.  Go for a swog.  You know a swim jog.  Yes you can jog on water in the future.  It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.

Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.

Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.

Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch.  Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.

Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!

Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.

Ophiuchus:  You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself.  Look down.  Do you have a bellybutton?  Didn’t think so.  Proof..you don’t exist.

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