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Posts Tagged ‘SCORPIO


These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school.  Although they can be applied to anyone.  Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden.  Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.

Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist.  Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies.  Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.

Libra:  Don’t like your teacher?  Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out!  No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher.  Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.

Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.

Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home.  You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band.  Both equally as cool school statuses.

Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab.  You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo.  This reading isn’t coming in to clear.

Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech?  Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language.  Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.

Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria?  Think twice about it.  It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken.  That chicken is rubber fool.

Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed.  Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.

Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!).  Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?

Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…

Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.

Aquarius: So you  fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.

Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!

Ophiuchus:  You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.


Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits.  You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend.  Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then.  You’re aquarius friend is not a female?  Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child.  Don’t have a child yet?  That’s just what he’s made you believe.

Libra:  YOu need to do some serious soul searching today.  You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found.  Perhaps look here.  Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans.  You are so screwed.

Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today.  If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today.  Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop.  Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.

Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot. 

Gemini: Don’t take any chances today!  Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today.  May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.

Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.

Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.

Virgo:  Today you should try and start a social media trend.  Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’  When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric.  You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”.  See how many people hop on with this trend.

Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.

Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.

Aquarius:  You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet.  If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.

Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.

Ophiuchus:  You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust.  You are a disgrace Ophiuchus.  The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.


Okay people.  Big news.  This is our 300th post.  Can you believe it?  We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light  round-house kick.  We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light.  He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything.  Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog.  Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.

Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you.  We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300!  Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.

Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011.  In the future you will know what this means.  Can’t wait?  We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient.  It says:  Stop painting with oils.  You are really bad at it.  (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)

Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body!  You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it.   Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra.  We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact.  Spit that chicken out fool!

Taurus:  You will have to take care of a sick friend today.  He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.

Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.

Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.

Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.

Leo:  You need to get some exercise.  Go for a swog.  You know a swim jog.  Yes you can jog on water in the future.  It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.

Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.

Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.

Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch.  Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.

Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!

Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.

Ophiuchus:  You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself.  Look down.  Do you have a bellybutton?  Didn’t think so.  Proof..you don’t exist.


Aries: Wear a skinny tie today.  A thick tie will make you seem to mischievous and untrustworthy  (like a Leo).

Libra: Stop wearing purple lipstick. it makes you look like a hooker. for real.

Taurus: Tell your co-worker that they have something on their face. Laugh at them.  When they go to the washroom to fix themselves up.. go on their facebook and change their status to “I like to bathe in Philadelphia cream cheese”

Scorpio: WHAT?! no way! sorry my pyschic senses just told me something crazy thats going to happen to you. I cant tell you though. okay I can. It rhymes with merpes. you better get that checked.

Gemini: Take a bath today.  Try cream cheese instead of water.  You may get stuck so keep a cell phone handy to call for paramedics.

Cancer: Stop wearing sunglasses at night. they make you look like a douchebag, like people with those tweety bird-steering wheel covers, or neighbours with above-ground pools that take up their entire backyard. idiots.

Leo: Do not speak to anyone today that is wearing a large hat.  They are smuggling illegal  potato bugs  from Africa.

Virgo: Take a cooking class tonight.  Bring your own pots and pans, hair net, spoons, pet lobster and the first season of  Hells Kitchen or Full House on DVD.

Sagittarius: Go on a 30 hour famine for 2 hours. what? thats ridiculous, you say. well you know whats ridiculous? your ears.

Capricorn: Do not give up on your dreams.  Marilyn Denis wants to talk to you.  I have no idea why. Perhaps you hit her car or you are pregnant with her sons baby.  I don’t know all the facts, but I know she wants to talk to you.

Aquarius: people are talking about you behind your back. no really, look behind you, they are having a really great conversation.

Pisces: Comment on a blog post today.  Try this one.  Use the alias Melba Lee Toast.

Ophiuchus: you’re really bad at accents. stop doing them.


Aries: be adventurous this weekend. fill your neighbours hot tub with chili and hide behind a bush. laugh as they dip into it and wonder why the water is more delicious than usual. jump out from behind the bush and yell “fiesta!”

Libra: Change your name to Pedro and Run for mayor. The familiarity of the name and its association with the lovable movie “Napolean Dynamite” will appeal to a large population. Be sure too put on a fake accent for authenticity.

Taurus: you were adopted

Scorpio: You will get a facebook friend request today. accept and reap the benefits of online popularity! initiate conversation by a poke or an invitation to farmville.

Gemini: take a nap today in a public place. leave your hat beside you to collect change. use the change to purchase a key. this is the key to your happiness.

Cancer: no one puts on a show like Liza. watch and learn.

Leo: Enter a photoshop contest today. Can’t find one?  Click here

Virgo: Dress up as your favourite smurf today, when people ask you why you are dressed like a smurf simply reply “It’s my prerogative.”

Sagittarius: If you have a headache at all today please be advised that it might be because you are wearing tight underwear.  Going commando today is more effective than Advil (even the migraine kind)

Capricorn: Pooping in a bucket today is not okay, save that sh%t for the weekend.

Aquarius: Some people say that wearing hot pants in the fall is against all rules of fashion.  You, Aquarius are the only one who can get away with this and only today.

Pisces: You will create a new law today that allows you to provoke squirrels with candy bars in public washrooms.


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