We’ve had so many people reach out to us (including Obama) to let us know how lost they are without our horoscopes. We’ve decided to make them a regular thing again, we were just waiting for our moons to be aligned again. We are all good now and will be until May 17, 2023 when we will take a three-week break. We are sorry in advance.
Aries: You had a strange dream last night and it’s really bumming you out, we know this (duh, we’re psychic). We just want you to know that the clown from your dream wants his $20 back from the coffee filters he bought you.
Libra: The full moon is within 7 degrees of Uranus today, better stock up on toilet paper and old DVD’s of Dawsons Creek. Select Season 6, episode 1. Fast-forward to the 10-minute mark. The person on the phone is the answer for 25 across in today’s NY times crossword AND the key to your success in this lifetime. Libras generally have 10-12 lifetimes. What are you waiting for?!!
Taurus: Mars is in Gatorade this weekend, which means – you guessed it – you’ll be packed to the tits with electrolytes! This is a great time to lift an old lady above your head, or help a car cross the street.
Scorpio: If you order from a drive thru coffee joint today one of the following three things is guaranteed to happen (we just can’t be certain which): 1. You will add a cheese croissant to your order at the last second. We all know Scorpios like to impulse buy and they also love cheese. 2. Your coffee/tea will have a spider swimming in it or 3. Your soul mate will be in the car in front of you, you will only get a glimpse of his/her hand though. It’s ok though you will meet them again in 3 years, 2 months and 17 days.
Gemini: You will meet a miniature version of yourself named Ge. Ge will repeat everything you say in pig Latin. You will flush Ge down the toilet and go to jail for life but then get acquitted.
Cancer: Thinking about a career change? It is a well known fact that Cancers are the best at knitting tiny vests for Barbie dolls. Don’t think the market for Barbie doll vests is big enough? LOL dolls need vests too. Start your Etsy tiny vest knitting journey today!
Leo: Garth Brooks wants you to have his sweaty hat. He is waiting for you to grab it. Only you will know the directions to his whereabouts. Use the compass of your soul (located just under your gallbladder) to guide you.
Virgo: If you take the bus today beware a man will accuse you of poisoning chipmunks in the park. You will think he’s crazy until you come home to find chipmunk poison on your bedside table. Virgo, my friend, you are sleep poisoning chipmunks AGAIN!!!
Sagittarius: Do not wear stripes today. This is very important.
Capricorn: Ever think of opening up a candy corn factory? Of course you have, it’s in your genes! Ye be warned though, only Aquarius’s and Scorpions like candy corn. It’s kind of a niche market.
Aquarius: Befriend a Capricorn today and you might just get a friends discount on bulk orders of candy corn. You’re welcome.
Pisces: You will single handedly bring back bell bottom pants today. You might not know how or why but you will.
Ophiuchus: It’s 2020! By now you should probably realize you don’t exist.