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Posts Tagged ‘Leo


These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school.  Although they can be applied to anyone.  Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden.  Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.

Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist.  Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies.  Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.

Libra:  Don’t like your teacher?  Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out!  No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher.  Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.

Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.

Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home.  You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band.  Both equally as cool school statuses.

Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab.  You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo.  This reading isn’t coming in to clear.

Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech?  Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language.  Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.

Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria?  Think twice about it.  It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken.  That chicken is rubber fool.

Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed.  Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.

Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!).  Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?

Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…

Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.

Aquarius: So you  fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.

Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!

Ophiuchus:  You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.


Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!

Libra: Stop!  You think you look good in white!  You really, really don’t!  It makes you look like one giant milk mustache.  It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!

Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today?  You should be!  Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you.  May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5?  I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model.  Thanks!  Can you also make it so it can read my mind?

Scorpio: OH SNAP!  That’s right,  you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going!  The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell.  It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today.  Check your local weather station for more information.

Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini?  Or should I say Gem – In – Eye.  That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them!  Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes,  it will double in size.

Cancer:  Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer?  Or should I say Can – Sir!  That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention.  Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods.  So leave everyone alone.  We donated our cans to the less fortunate.

Leo: Hot diggity dog!  That’s what you should be saying this weekend.  That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.

Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend?  You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation!  Might as well start now.  Here’s a some great tips.

Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style?  Me too!  It’s up to you though Sagittarius,  saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles.  Everyone will be watching you.  The time to wear overalls is now.

Capricorn:  Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin?  So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big?  Ya, me too.  Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you.  You are a dreamer.

Aquarius: Alert! Alert!  We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys.  They are one for only 3.99/lb.  Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house.  He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!

Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously.  They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler.  Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.

Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store?  Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus.  That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine.  A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are.  Fact.


Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits.  You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend.  Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then.  You’re aquarius friend is not a female?  Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child.  Don’t have a child yet?  That’s just what he’s made you believe.

Libra:  YOu need to do some serious soul searching today.  You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found.  Perhaps look here.  Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans.  You are so screwed.

Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today.  If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today.  Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop.  Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.

Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot. 

Gemini: Don’t take any chances today!  Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today.  May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.

Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.

Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.

Virgo:  Today you should try and start a social media trend.  Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’  When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric.  You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”.  See how many people hop on with this trend.

Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.

Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.

Aquarius:  You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet.  If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.

Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.

Ophiuchus:  You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust.  You are a disgrace Ophiuchus.  The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.


Put your 3D glasses on, this post is about to get MULTI-DIMENSIONAL!
I know what your thinking, how can a simple blog post be 3D? thats ridiculous. Um hello, I’m pretty sure these words are popping out of the screen as we speak, sucks you can’t see it, it’s mad cool.

Someone who also masters 3D almost as good as us is James Cameron. And he’s probably the only person we know who can release a blockbuster hit a second time with 3D in the title and run away with millions! well probably zooming away on a segway, cause thats how nerds with too much money travel.

That brings us to our newest review – TITANIC THREEEEE DEEEEEE! Yes, Leo still dies in the end *spoiler alert*, No Kate Winslets boobs do not look any bigger, and yes, obviously there is a twist ending (the ship is invaded by a mexican gang). As different and exciting all of this was, it was still a great movie, brought me back to the days of being an awkward grade sevener and wishing Leo would be my boyfriend…things havent changed much. I give this movie 5 ritas riding a segwey out of 5!

what did you think Robin??

Woah chestnut!  Hold your horses!  5 Ritas?  Are you mad?  Have you completely lost your mind?
SHITTY MOVIE STRAIGHT AHEAD!
When I was in grade 8 (ya I’m older than Laura…wiser too and more accurate with movie reviews and horoscopes)  I didn’t really get the hype of Titanic.  I mean I had posters of Leo on my wall….I thought he was hot and all but I mean, did you see Good Will Hunting?  If you didn’t it’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault.  It’s not your fault.  I just realized that if you haven’t seen Good Will Hunting, you wouldn’t get what that’s all about.  So go to your local Jumbo Video and rent it, grab some free popcorn while you’re at it. GWH is much better than Titanic, and it was released in the same year.  ***Spoiler alert Matt Damon doesn’t die but he does take his shirt off.**  Okay back to reviewing Titanic.  Why is Rose so fat?  Just kidding.  But seriously Kate stop eating cheeseburgers…3d cameras add 3 times the weight.  Oh hush, hush.  I’m just kidding people.  So the overall this movie was just as good if not better than Final Destination….Titanic in 3D  was just as good if not better than The Final Destination…(that’s the one that’s in 3d). It is really too bad that Devon Sawa wasn’t there to predict the iceberg and save them all, only to have them all die in the by random crazy events.  That would have made a great movie.  I would have given that 4 rita’s or 5 if it was in 3d.  But it didn’t happen…so I’m going to give this movie 2 Rita’s on a boat with Devon Sawa and 1 George Bush eating a cat out of 5.  How do you like D’em Apples.  (Another great quote from Good Will Hunting…you should see it!)


Okay people.  Big news.  This is our 300th post.  Can you believe it?  We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light  round-house kick.  We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light.  He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything.  Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog.  Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.

Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you.  We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300!  Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.

Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011.  In the future you will know what this means.  Can’t wait?  We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient.  It says:  Stop painting with oils.  You are really bad at it.  (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)

Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body!  You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it.   Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra.  We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact.  Spit that chicken out fool!

Taurus:  You will have to take care of a sick friend today.  He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.

Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.

Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.

Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.

Leo:  You need to get some exercise.  Go for a swog.  You know a swim jog.  Yes you can jog on water in the future.  It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.

Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.

Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.

Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch.  Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.

Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!

Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.

Ophiuchus:  You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself.  Look down.  Do you have a bellybutton?  Didn’t think so.  Proof..you don’t exist.


Aries:  You will eat a meal today that was once covered in Bat feces. Poo!

Libra:  The creepy looking dog you saw earlier is actually a rabid wolf dressed up for Halloween. Deadly!

Taurus:  Long lasting deodorant? More like chlorophyll!

Scorpio:  Stop being such a witch.  Unless you are serious about the wicken ways.  Much respect.

Gemini:  Do no help someone in need today.  They will murder you and feed you to their pet lion.  Spooky!

Cancer:  You smell like an egg salad sandwich.  Narly.

Leo:  I hope you aren’t going to the washroom right now.  I guarantee you that there is a python in your toilet.  Oh ssssnap.

Virgo:  Shave your face tonight.  Tomorrow something will start growing under your nose and will remain there for a whole month.

Sagittarius: Do not eat an apple today.  There will be a needle in it and you will get infected with a serious and deadly virus!  Scandalous!

Capricorn: Don’t panic, but there is a ghost on or in your genitals.  Uh oh!

Aquarius: You will start a new job of some sort today. Most likely cleaning out dead peoples organs.  Gruesome!

Pisces: The ghost of your great grandmother is living in your neighbours Schnauzer.  Go to her.

Ophiuchus: You don’t even exist. Today or ever.  Eeerie!


Aries:  Peanut butter should not be used as a moisturizer Aries.  Seriously you are already nutty as is.

Libra:  Do not share underwear with Gemini today.  You will get crabs and nobody will love you ever.

Taurus: Try a new recipe today!  May we suggest this one.

Scorpio: Stop trying to see your own farts. Seriously…they are invisible and if you look hard enough you are guaranteed to get pink eye.

Gemini: Do not lend your underwear to Libra today. Also consult your physician you may (99.4% probability) have crabs.

Cancer: When your boss asks you to do something lickety split don’t lick his/her face and then do the splits. This is grounds for immediate dismissal, unless you are training to be a Olympic gymnast and your trainer tastes like ice cream…in that case it’s fair game.

Leo: You need to become a plumber. An elderly women is in distress and needs your help! Only you have the magic plunger.

Virgo: Selena Gomez is pregnant with Justin Beiber’s baby. Tell every one you know! People will start to worship you and come to you for juicy gossip more than Perez Hilton and TMZ.

Sagittarius: Cinnamon heart overdoses are not a joke. Take them seriously and stay away from the bulk barn. Also, cocaine can be harmful too.

Capricorn: Seize the day! Seize it with some suspenders. You can be much more efficient and spontaneous knowing that your pants will not fall down, no matter what you do!

Aquarius: You are so good looking today and everyday. Aquarius keep being you. Everyone loves you and you are really good at writing blogs. You smell great too. Also nice hair!

Pisces: Time to get serious! Serious about teaching your children to hack into government computers. If you don’t have children, start babysitting. The government has valuable information that you must know.

Ophiuchus:Do not visit northern Alberta prison cells today. You will lose your mind. Literally decapitated.


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