Aries: You will eat a meal today that was once covered in Bat feces. Poo!
Libra: The creepy looking dog you saw earlier is actually a rabid wolf dressed up for Halloween. Deadly!
Taurus: Long lasting deodorant? More like chlorophyll!
Scorpio: Stop being such a witch. Unless you are serious about the wicken ways. Much respect.
Gemini: Do no help someone in need today. They will murder you and feed you to their pet lion. Spooky!
Cancer: You smell like an egg salad sandwich. Narly.
Leo: I hope you aren’t going to the washroom right now. I guarantee you that there is a python in your toilet. Oh ssssnap.
Virgo: Shave your face tonight. Tomorrow something will start growing under your nose and will remain there for a whole month.
Sagittarius: Do not eat an apple today. There will be a needle in it and you will get infected with a serious and deadly virus! Scandalous!
Capricorn: Don’t panic, but there is a ghost on or in your genitals. Uh oh!
Aquarius: You will start a new job of some sort today. Most likely cleaning out dead peoples organs. Gruesome!
Pisces: The ghost of your great grandmother is living in your neighbours Schnauzer. Go to her.
Ophiuchus: You don’t even exist. Today or ever. Eeerie!
I always think your Scorpio horoscopes are specifically directed at me. But I didn’t go as a witch this year!