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Posts Tagged ‘horoscopes

Aries:  The secret is out Aries, you have a fetish for clowns doing demolition derby.  We get it. Don’t be ashamed.

Libra:  Try your best to act like you believe George Lopez would today.  For Libras today is WWGLD day. Cherish this day, it only comes around ever 17 years.

Taurus: Go out for lunch today you deserve it!  Do not eat anything on the left side of the menu.  You will get food poisoning and possibly die or poop your pants in public.  I’m not sure if it’s my left side or yours…. hmm.  Sorry this reading is a little foggy.

Scorpio:  Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.  Except when you order a big mac.  Apparently even if you order one in Japan they make it the same way.  You should probably go there and test out this theory.

Gemini: UGh Gemini, stop complaining!  You really grind our gears.  Take a moment today to reflect on all the good things in life like mock turtle necks and this.

Cancer: I think it’s time to buy a new sofa. Remember when Uncle Murray pooped on your sofa? It’s still smells like Uncle Murrays poop. Check out Leon’s Ho Ho Hold the payments sale on right now!

Leo:  It will snow on your car today. Do not panick, it’s just snow, not particles from your hair.  If you are nervous about your horrendous dandruff, Head & Shoulders does work.  Troy Poloumolou says so!

Virgo: Take a dance lesson tonight. Specifically Mime Jazz. Yes it exists. and its amazing.

Sagittarius: Pockets can say a lot about a person. For example, your pockets are rather big. This means you used to be a kangaroo in your previous life. Look inside your pockets…you will find a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner sample. Wash your hair with this to bring you good health.

Capricorn: Blossom Russo is your soulmate. Yes I know, awful news. But you must accept this and reach out to her. she’s waiting.

Aquarius: I think its time for you to start a diary ——- If you thought that was a good suggestion, then you are super lame. a diary? hahah what a loser.

Pisces: Pisces are very good at cards. You should try your luck at a casino tonight. If you lose all your money, then you are not a true pisces and your entire childhood was a lie. You should probably find your real parents.

Ophiuchus: Go crazy this weekend! buck wild! rent Cocktail .

Aries:  You will eat a meal today that was once covered in Bat feces. Poo!

Libra:  The creepy looking dog you saw earlier is actually a rabid wolf dressed up for Halloween. Deadly!

Taurus:  Long lasting deodorant? More like chlorophyll!

Scorpio:  Stop being such a witch.  Unless you are serious about the wicken ways.  Much respect.

Gemini:  Do no help someone in need today.  They will murder you and feed you to their pet lion.  Spooky!

Cancer:  You smell like an egg salad sandwich.  Narly.

Leo:  I hope you aren’t going to the washroom right now.  I guarantee you that there is a python in your toilet.  Oh ssssnap.

Virgo:  Shave your face tonight.  Tomorrow something will start growing under your nose and will remain there for a whole month.

Sagittarius: Do not eat an apple today.  There will be a needle in it and you will get infected with a serious and deadly virus!  Scandalous!

Capricorn: Don’t panic, but there is a ghost on or in your genitals.  Uh oh!

Aquarius: You will start a new job of some sort today. Most likely cleaning out dead peoples organs.  Gruesome!

Pisces: The ghost of your great grandmother is living in your neighbours Schnauzer.  Go to her.

Ophiuchus: You don’t even exist. Today or ever.  Eeerie!

Aries: be adventurous this weekend. fill your neighbours hot tub with chili and hide behind a bush. laugh as they dip into it and wonder why the water is more delicious than usual. jump out from behind the bush and yell “fiesta!”

Libra: Change your name to Pedro and Run for mayor. The familiarity of the name and its association with the lovable movie “Napolean Dynamite” will appeal to a large population. Be sure too put on a fake accent for authenticity.

Taurus: you were adopted

Scorpio: You will get a facebook friend request today. accept and reap the benefits of online popularity! initiate conversation by a poke or an invitation to farmville.

Gemini: take a nap today in a public place. leave your hat beside you to collect change. use the change to purchase a key. this is the key to your happiness.

Cancer: no one puts on a show like Liza. watch and learn.

Leo: Enter a photoshop contest today. Can’t find one?  Click here

Virgo: Dress up as your favourite smurf today, when people ask you why you are dressed like a smurf simply reply “It’s my prerogative.”

Sagittarius: If you have a headache at all today please be advised that it might be because you are wearing tight underwear.  Going commando today is more effective than Advil (even the migraine kind)

Capricorn: Pooping in a bucket today is not okay, save that sh%t for the weekend.

Aquarius: Some people say that wearing hot pants in the fall is against all rules of fashion.  You, Aquarius are the only one who can get away with this and only today.

Pisces: You will create a new law today that allows you to provoke squirrels with candy bars in public washrooms.

Aries: did you know that thursdays are international “give a hooker a sandwich” day? So give that special hooker down your street a PB & J or a ham and swiss on whole wheat and she may give you something in return! A free movie coupon, obviously.

Libra: your chi-light is pretty low these days. cleaning out your fridge with mr. clean should fix this problem right up.

Taurus: life is pretty dull for you right now. add some auto-tune to your daily routine and reap the benefits of booty shakin’ rhythm and thousands of hits on youtube

Scorpio: summer is almost over and you STILL haven’t set up a lemonade stand?!! get on that girl.

Gemini: saying yes to a thumb war today is the right decision

Cancer: frodo once said, “I wish the ring had never come to me”. well, some unwanted things may come into your life that you must rise above. and if you’re a little person like frodo, you may need a step stool to do this.

Leo: You will feel like you are being followed today.  It’s just your shadow…and your neighbour Jim.  Didn’t know you had a neighbour Jim?  Turn around and introduce yourself!

Virgo: Mate your kitten with a tiger today.  You will get a hybrid kitten called a titten.

Sagittarius: Are you sad today?  Watch this video and you will be happy.

Capricorn: Half of your body wants corn today. The other half will reject the corn if you eat it. Make your decision wisely.

Aquarius: You will have a spectacular day if you are wearing a yellow shirt or if you have recently moved offices. You will also get an unexpected phone call today.

Pisces: Feel like being anti-social tonight? Have the perfect night in! Rent Harry and the Hendersons and watch it in the nude!

Aries: you really should be more nice to telemarketers, you made the last one cry. way to go.

Libra: you will find the answer to todays problems in the 5th line of this reading.

Taurus: Did you know that tuesdays are salsa days? wear your flashiest salsa outfit to work today. you will most likely get a raise and a few high fives.

Scorpio: crack open a pabst blue ribbon, sit back in your bean bag chair and rediscover this song. fuck ya.

Gemini: impress your friends with a cool joke today, or a magic trick, or perhaps a mediocre slideshow of memories you’ve shared together

Cancer: you’re having a bad hair day today. don’t panic. today is umbrella hat day. should cover that hot mess right up.

Leo: Listen to the radio today.  Scan 4 times and stop.  This station will give you the proper traffic updates.

Virgo: Tie Dye is should definitely be part of your wardrobe today.  Just look at this guy and tell me he doesn’t look like a total rock star.

Sagittarius: Make sure not to bowl with a ball today that is too small for your fingers.

Capricorn: Today you will find out if Justin is creepy or adorable. You will also think this guy is really annoying.

Aquarius: Today you are feeling upscale. Make sure to wear something that makes you feel super fancy….we suggest a giant hat or some arm length white gloves.

Pisces: You must dance today. Dance whenever and wherever you can. If you need some tips watch this

Here are Fridays horoscopes!

Aries: My only advice to you today is to stay away from ice cream trucks. trust me

Libra: It is your duty to bring something back today. like the high-five, or “NOT!” or the the classic northern getaway sweater

Taurus: you wont have a very good day today. but sing along to this and you’ll feel so much better

Scorpio: the stars are forming a bean shape around your yolk-wagon this week. this is a sign of good luck, but it is also a warning of excess gas. best to stay away from large crowds so as not to embarrass yourself.

Gemini: You’ve been in a funk lately. its time to switch shampoo and watch an episode of cake boss

Cancer: write a poem today and send it to someone you have been admiring from a distance. They will find this to be romantic and ask you out on a date. you will go on the date and become serious for a few years, but in the end things will not work out.

Leo: Get the exact opposite of what you would have gotten for lunch today.

Virgo: The shoes you wear today will say a lot about you. Seriously the will talk and you will be freaked out.

Sagittarius: You will have an itch today that really irritate you.  Don’t fret young Sagittarius it will soon pass.

Capricorn: Try to avoid mirrors today. You do not look good and we don’t want you to feel bad about yourself.

Aquarius: You will be surrounded by strong females today. Do not challenge them to an arm wrestle, you will lose.

Pisces: Today, make sure you eat something that was once frozen.  The defrosting period will remind you of your former lives.

Here are Mondays horoscopes!

Aries: Do not walk anywhere today.  You will be in great danger.  Make sure to roll wherever you go.

Libra: If you have the opportunity to watch an old episode of Murphy Brown today make sure to really listen to what Murphy has to say, it will help you decide what you’d like for dinner.

Taurus: Order a pasta salad today. After your third bite look at the pasta.  There will be a life altering message in the sauce.

Scorpio: you left the coffee maker on today, FYI

Gemini: Check your teeth often today.  The moon is in your t-zone.  You probably look absolutely ridiculous with something in your teeth.

Cancer: A 5th grader will claim they know the answer to a question you’ve been pondering for quite some time. don’t be fooled, they are just a bratty child actor.

Leo: I don’t even want to tell you this. It’s so embarrassing.  Your pants are on backwards today.

Virgo: Be more adventurous. Try a cheeseburger in a can. (and then send us a review, thanks)

Sagitarius: wear a wolf shirt today. It will attract the right crowd.

Capricorn: You will hold the door open today for a person that could alter your future forever.

Someone will hold the door open for you today. They will believe that you could alter their future forever and probably call you too much. avoid their calls if they become overbearing. break up with them via text message or a facebook wall post.

Pisces: It is not okay to watch re-runs of Xena Warrior Princess. Just like it wasn’t okay to watch it in 1995.

Aries: The weather is perfect for jumping on a large trampoline. try impressing your friends with a summersault or a slam dunk?

Libra: its time to pull out those overalls from your closet. maybe your one purpose in life was to bring back the 90’s. bring it back Libra. bring it back with vigor.

Taurus: If you play this song backwards, you will find the meaning of life.

Scorpio: when you travel to space this summer, make sure you join an aerobics class.

Gemini: You will wear a shirt today that will accentuate your nipples.

Cancer: Try something new today. like wearing your left shoe on your right foot. it will feel liberating, and will eventually give you the confidence to start your own business.

Leo: everybody knows the old question “how do you get the caramel in the caramilk bar?”. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe there are more important things in the world? wake up leo. wake up.

Virgo: stop watching the same ‘ol youtube videos. Its time to broaden your horizons.

Libra: The rodents in your neighborhood are rabid do not develop a relationship with them.

Sagitarius: Today you will not go swimming.  If you decide it’s a good idea to go swimming, think again. A child or elderly woman will blow chunks in the pool and it will have to be evacuated.

If you host a murder mystery party make sure to talk in a scottish accent it will throw off all of your competitors and you might just get away with murder (the fake kind for the game…not real murder..we don’t encourage that)

Drink lots of water today.  Remember to urinate though or your internal organs may drown in the vast amount of water that you drank.

Pisces: If you go exploring in a random forest today make sure to wear pants and shoes.  If not you might get bitten by bugs in inappropriate places..or you might get arrested.

We are so sorry for not writing horoscopes for the past few days, we know you must have been lost without them!! but have no fear, it’s a new week… here are your horoscopes for Monday!

Aries: Thank goodness its monday right? WRONG! It’s going to be a crazy week….after all you work at a candy factory. Someones gotta make em! We appreciate you.

Libra: Dr. Phil once said “its my way or the highway”. Take the highway.

Taurus: This week, participate in a cheese or honey festival. Be sure to dress like a pirate. If you think that the two previous sentences are completely unrelated, then you are foolish.

Scorpio: Your love for the weather man is not just a crush. Pursue him and you will live happily ever after, while reaping the benefits of 50% accurate predictions.

Gemini: Monday nights are the new Saturdays.  Have a party, do something wild.  Have some suicide chicken wings.

Cancer: Paper Maché hats are really in fashion for you today.  I hope you woke up extra early to make one for yourself.  If ,you don’t let it dry long enough you might get pieces of mushy newspaper in your hair.  People will assume it’s bird poop.

Leo: Remember not to steal the cookie from the cookie jar.  We mean that literally, those cookies have been there for a really long might get sick.  I think some of them might even be plastic.

Virgo: I hope you woke up wearing some fancy dance shoes…because today for some reason your legs want to jive…you may not be able to walk without twisting and shaking.

Sagittarius:  If you see a horse today, do not ride it.  It will be the reincarnation of John Lennon.  Imagine riding John Lennon…I don’t think he’d want you to.  Respect his wishes.

Capricorn: Go to the bank today wearing a fake mustache.  Talk in a russian spy accent.  Ask where the auditions for American Idol are.

Aquarius: You may think today is a good day to wear fake leather shoes.  You are wrong.  You will get them wet and they will smell like a dirty sock soaked in sausages.

Pisces: Eggs are your answer today.  If anyone asks you a question, simply answer, “Eggs.”  They will completely understand.  How could they not?

Ta Da! Horoscopes for Thursday

Aries: calculators are making a huge come back today, at least for you. You will get excited by the ridiculously big ones with the giant numbers.

Libra: Don’t walk anywhere backwards today. I know it’s been the trend for the last few months but today stay clear of any backward activities…you WILL fall in a pothole.

Taurus: You might be thinking about purchasing a unicycle this video will help you make the right decision.

Scorpio: An ant you step on today is the reincarnation of Elvis.

Gemini: Its earth day today. And no one does earth day better than you virgo. oh this is Gemini…well this is awkward.

Cancer: You will be forgotten about today. but don’t worry we still love you

Leo: Big Instruments will put you in a good mood today.

Virgo: When you go to your highschool reunion, go prepared with a dance routine. It will knock their socks off.

Sagittarius: Wear pleather to your interview today. It will make you stand out. probably in a bad way, but thats the price of being popular.

Capricorn: An Asian gang will challenge you in Dance Dance Revolution today. Accept their challenge. You will lose. But you get to keep your life.

Aquarius: Danny Tanner once said “Don’t be silly. I’m just cleaning my rubber gloves.” Do that today.

Pisces: Stop searching. The answer to #60 across in todays toronto star crossword is “erase”. you’re welcome.

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