Aries: My only advice to you today is to stay away from ice cream trucks. trust me
Libra: It is your duty to bring something back today. like the high-five, or “NOT!” or the the classic northern getaway sweater
Taurus: you wont have a very good day today. but sing along to this and you’ll feel so much better
Scorpio: the stars are forming a bean shape around your yolk-wagon this week. this is a sign of good luck, but it is also a warning of excess gas. best to stay away from large crowds so as not to embarrass yourself.
Gemini: You’ve been in a funk lately. its time to switch shampoo and watch an episode of cake boss
Cancer: write a poem today and send it to someone you have been admiring from a distance. They will find this to be romantic and ask you out on a date. you will go on the date and become serious for a few years, but in the end things will not work out.
Leo: Get the exact opposite of what you would have gotten for lunch today.
Virgo: The shoes you wear today will say a lot about you. Seriously the will talk and you will be freaked out.
Sagittarius: You will have an itch today that really irritate you. Don’t fret young Sagittarius it will soon pass.
Capricorn: Try to avoid mirrors today. You do not look good and we don’t want you to feel bad about yourself.
Aquarius: You will be surrounded by strong females today. Do not challenge them to an arm wrestle, you will lose.
Pisces: Today, make sure you eat something that was once frozen. The defrosting period will remind you of your former lives.