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Posts Tagged ‘accurate


Aries:  The secret is out Aries, you have a fetish for clowns doing demolition derby.  We get it. Don’t be ashamed.

Libra:  Try your best to act like you believe George Lopez would today.  For Libras today is WWGLD day. Cherish this day, it only comes around ever 17 years.

Taurus: Go out for lunch today you deserve it!  Do not eat anything on the left side of the menu.  You will get food poisoning and possibly die or poop your pants in public.  I’m not sure if it’s my left side or yours…. hmm.  Sorry this reading is a little foggy.

Scorpio:  Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.  Except when you order a big mac.  Apparently even if you order one in Japan they make it the same way.  You should probably go there and test out this theory.

Gemini: UGh Gemini, stop complaining!  You really grind our gears.  Take a moment today to reflect on all the good things in life like mock turtle necks and this.

Cancer: I think it’s time to buy a new sofa. Remember when Uncle Murray pooped on your sofa? It’s still smells like Uncle Murrays poop. Check out Leon’s Ho Ho Hold the payments sale on right now!

Leo:  It will snow on your car today. Do not panick, it’s just snow, not particles from your hair.  If you are nervous about your horrendous dandruff, Head & Shoulders does work.  Troy Poloumolou says so!

Virgo: Take a dance lesson tonight. Specifically Mime Jazz. Yes it exists. and its amazing.

Sagittarius: Pockets can say a lot about a person. For example, your pockets are rather big. This means you used to be a kangaroo in your previous life. Look inside your pockets…you will find a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner sample. Wash your hair with this to bring you good health.

Capricorn: Blossom Russo is your soulmate. Yes I know, awful news. But you must accept this and reach out to her. she’s waiting.

Aquarius: I think its time for you to start a diary ——- If you thought that was a good suggestion, then you are super lame. a diary? hahah what a loser.

Pisces: Pisces are very good at cards. You should try your luck at a casino tonight. If you lose all your money, then you are not a true pisces and your entire childhood was a lie. You should probably find your real parents.

Ophiuchus: Go crazy this weekend! buck wild! rent Cocktail .


Aries: you really should be more nice to telemarketers, you made the last one cry. way to go.

Libra: you will find the answer to todays problems in the 5th line of this reading.

Taurus: Did you know that tuesdays are salsa days? wear your flashiest salsa outfit to work today. you will most likely get a raise and a few high fives.

Scorpio: crack open a pabst blue ribbon, sit back in your bean bag chair and rediscover this song. fuck ya.

Gemini: impress your friends with a cool joke today, or a magic trick, or perhaps a mediocre slideshow of memories you’ve shared together

Cancer: you’re having a bad hair day today. don’t panic. today is umbrella hat day. should cover that hot mess right up.

Leo: Listen to the radio today.  Scan 4 times and stop.  This station will give you the proper traffic updates.

Virgo: Tie Dye is should definitely be part of your wardrobe today.  Just look at this guy and tell me he doesn’t look like a total rock star.

Sagittarius: Make sure not to bowl with a ball today that is too small for your fingers.

Capricorn: Today you will find out if Justin is creepy or adorable. You will also think this guy is really annoying.

Aquarius: Today you are feeling upscale. Make sure to wear something that makes you feel super fancy….we suggest a giant hat or some arm length white gloves.

Pisces: You must dance today. Dance whenever and wherever you can. If you need some tips watch this


Here are Fridays horoscopes!

Aries: My only advice to you today is to stay away from ice cream trucks. trust me

Libra: It is your duty to bring something back today. like the high-five, or “NOT!” or the the classic northern getaway sweater

Taurus: you wont have a very good day today. but sing along to this and you’ll feel so much better

Scorpio: the stars are forming a bean shape around your yolk-wagon this week. this is a sign of good luck, but it is also a warning of excess gas. best to stay away from large crowds so as not to embarrass yourself.

Gemini: You’ve been in a funk lately. its time to switch shampoo and watch an episode of cake boss

Cancer: write a poem today and send it to someone you have been admiring from a distance. They will find this to be romantic and ask you out on a date. you will go on the date and become serious for a few years, but in the end things will not work out.

Leo: Get the exact opposite of what you would have gotten for lunch today.

Virgo: The shoes you wear today will say a lot about you. Seriously the will talk and you will be freaked out.

Sagittarius: You will have an itch today that really irritate you.  Don’t fret young Sagittarius it will soon pass.

Capricorn: Try to avoid mirrors today. You do not look good and we don’t want you to feel bad about yourself.

Aquarius: You will be surrounded by strong females today. Do not challenge them to an arm wrestle, you will lose.

Pisces: Today, make sure you eat something that was once frozen.  The defrosting period will remind you of your former lives.


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