Aries:  The secret is out Aries, you have a fetish for clowns doing demolition derby.  We get it. Don’t be ashamed.

Libra:  Try your best to act like you believe George Lopez would today.  For Libras today is WWGLD day. Cherish this day, it only comes around ever 17 years.

Taurus: Go out for lunch today you deserve it!  Do not eat anything on the left side of the menu.  You will get food poisoning and possibly die or poop your pants in public.  I’m not sure if it’s my left side or yours…. hmm.  Sorry this reading is a little foggy.

Scorpio:  Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.  Except when you order a big mac.  Apparently even if you order one in Japan they make it the same way.  You should probably go there and test out this theory.

Gemini: UGh Gemini, stop complaining!  You really grind our gears.  Take a moment today to reflect on all the good things in life like mock turtle necks and this.

Cancer: I think it’s time to buy a new sofa. Remember when Uncle Murray pooped on your sofa? It’s still smells like Uncle Murrays poop. Check out Leon’s Ho Ho Hold the payments sale on right now!

Leo:  It will snow on your car today. Do not panick, it’s just snow, not particles from your hair.  If you are nervous about your horrendous dandruff, Head & Shoulders does work.  Troy Poloumolou says so!

Virgo: Take a dance lesson tonight. Specifically Mime Jazz. Yes it exists. and its amazing.

Sagittarius: Pockets can say a lot about a person. For example, your pockets are rather big. This means you used to be a kangaroo in your previous life. Look inside your pockets…you will find a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner sample. Wash your hair with this to bring you good health.

Capricorn: Blossom Russo is your soulmate. Yes I know, awful news. But you must accept this and reach out to her. she’s waiting.

Aquarius: I think its time for you to start a diary ——- If you thought that was a good suggestion, then you are super lame. a diary? hahah what a loser.

Pisces: Pisces are very good at cards. You should try your luck at a casino tonight. If you lose all your money, then you are not a true pisces and your entire childhood was a lie. You should probably find your real parents.

Ophiuchus: Go crazy this weekend! buck wild! rent Cocktail .