Happy Friday peeps! You’re in for a real treat because our horoscopes just keep getting more accurate! We’ve received an overwhelming amount of emails telling us how awesome we are and to keep up the good work. Thanks Friends! Keep that cash flowing, and we are happy to deliver!

Aries: Did you know that air fryer chicken wings taste better to you than bbq’d wings, every day EXCEPT for today!

Libra: Remember the popsicle sticks you collected as a kid? Find them, you will need them to construct a tiny wood cottage for a rogue gnome. Can’t find them? It’s ok, Dollarama also carries popsicle sticks. Libra, you should check Dollarama more, they’ve got loads of great finds. Even little wood houses your gnome friend might enjoy.

Taurus: Did you know that 94% of Tauruses have either owned or been in a Ford Taurus before. It was written into your life chart before you were even conceived. Today you will see at least 3 Ford Tauruses one of which will be occupied by undercover clown.

Scorpio: I know most Scorpios assume they will one day grow claws, we’re here to tell you it is not going to happen today.

Gemini: Congratulations you are our favourite zodiac sign of the day. You win a lifetime subscription to our blog. To claim your prize just subscribe to our blog.

Cancer: An Aquarius will teach you a little something about how easily manipulated Gemini’s are.

Leo: Get on Facebook today and ask where you can purchase the best butter tart in town. The first person to respond is secretively in love with you. Interested? Ask them if they’d like to share a butter tart.

Virgo: Did you know you, Virgo, are more susceptible to vertigo? Also, you are more likely to enjoy vegemite sandwiches.

Sagittarius: Your likelihood of being asked if you are an undercover clown will go WAY up today, especially if you drive a Ford Taurus.

Capricorn: Did you know that Britney Spears is also psychic? We didn’t want to say anything, because us effervescent’s don’t like to brag, (buy our book). Anyways, we bring this up because we were about to write your horoscope when we stumbled across Brit’s horoscope for Capricorn. And honestly, we couldn’t have said it better ourselves. Thanks Brit!!

Aquarius: Did you ever wonder what it would feel like to be a blueberry muffin? Well stop wondering, because you’re going to start experiencing some strange confectionary energy from the southwest corner of the hemispherian interlobe. You better stay home this weekend and avoid watching The Great British Bakeoff.

Pisces: You’ll be feeling overwhelmed this weekend – it’s the craziness of the holidays, the stress of not seeing family, and on top of that, Grey’s Anatomy brought back Derek. You’ll also come across a few spoilers, which will definitely piss you off.

Ophiuchus: You deserve a positive affirmation, even if it isn’t entirely true. You exist.