Archive for September 2012
Whats the deal with…
Posted on: September 6, 2012
New section alert! I know Laura and I haven’t been writing a lot lately and it’s mainly because we’ve been so irritated with the world. We’ve decided to channel our inner frusteration and make a new blog section. Let us know if anything irks you too! We might just feature it.
What’s the deal with….
Shampoo Commercials. Why is new shampoo always a “breakthrough discovery” and “perfected science”?? is that even possible?! Do attractive women in lab coats and heels actually mull over the perfect ingredients? Its hair soap for peats sake! Soap + water = bing bang boom! clean.
Toilet Paper. Does two-ply really make a difference? is your bum THAT messy? Has one-ply actually ripped in your hands while wiping??? If so, maybe the real problem is coming from the source, if you know what I mean…
People who “bum” cigarettes. When someone on the street comes up to you and asks for a cigarette its become the social norm to say “sure man!” without thinking it strange. But what if someone random came up to you and asked for a piece of gum when they see you pop one? Or worse, a fry from your McDonalds happy meal?! You’d think they were a FREAK! “um no…I don’t even know you…seriously?”. Think about it!!!
No mirrors in change rooms. This is the WORST! Pretty sure when I try something on I’d like to see what I look like without everyone staring at me when I walk out to the communal mirror in the middle of the store. I don’t want to point fingers COSTA BLANCA, but this is just unacceptable!
The popcorn button on your microwave: Seriously have you ever actually pressed that button? I have and it literally and technically only pops about 2/3rds of the kernels. If you don’t know how to pop stop advertising your popcorn popping skills.
People with those big ear hole earings: For real, that shit doesn’t grow back so why the hell would anyone ever do that to their ears. I actually have trouble making converation with people who have them. I just keep thinking you must be dumb as rocks. DUMB AS ROCKS. It’s almost bad as doing this.
Rat tails: I know it’s not the 90’s and not many people sport rat tails anymore but on occasion I do see them. I always think to myself, that awful fashion/hair choice took years to develop. For PETE’S sake, how has nobody told you how disgraceful rat tails are. I also think, anyone with a rat tail must come from a trailer park (no offense all you trailer parkers we only have love for y’all) and how is that nobody at the trailer park has gotten drunk enough to just walk up to the damn thing and and cut it off. I would do it after a glass of pinot…sheesh.
These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school. Although they can be applied to anyone. Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden. Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.
Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist. Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies. Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.
Libra: Don’t like your teacher? Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out! No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher. Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.
Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.
Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home. You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band. Both equally as cool school statuses.
Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab. You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo. This reading isn’t coming in to clear.
Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech? Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language. Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.
Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria? Think twice about it. It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken. That chicken is rubber fool.
Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed. Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.
Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!). Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?
Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…
Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.
Aquarius: So you fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.
Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!
Ophiuchus: You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.
