Holiday Horoscopes 2020

They 2020 year is almost over. It’s been a doozie to say the least. I know what you are all thinking, NO MORE SURPRISES. So we are going to help you get through the holidays with our super accurate horoscopes. Scorpio, you won’t be running out of toilet paper anytime soon if you follow our advice!

Aries: Create a vision board this week using flyers from your local newspaper. Everything you put on it will manifest in your life. Every single thing. Want that spiral ham? 2 cartons of raspberries for $5? You got it! Just cut and paste baby!

Libra: I’m sorry to say this straight to your internet face, but you need to add a de-frizzer to your hair regimen this week. The moons are causing hella-humidity around your third eye chakra.

Taurus: Christmas might look a little different this year for you Taurus. It might seem dark and almost blackish. Take your sleep mask off, it will brighten up your holiday, we promise!

Scorpio: Costco is out of toilet paper. DO NOT BOTHER. Just go to No Frills or Food Basics.

Gemini: We know you love a good boxing day deal Gemini. You like finding those hidden gems. This year don’t wake up at 5am to get a 72inch TV from Radio Shack. We are living in a pandemic Gemini, get there before the crowd. Try for 4:45 am. Or better yet, shop online.

Cancer: Your turkey will take much longer to cook this Christmas due to the fact that your oven will break tonight! Better pre-order a round of Turkey Subs from Subway instead! Make it a cookie combo while you’re at it.

Leo: You will receive an unusual gift from a stranger. That, or there are squirrels living in your attic.

Virgo: Better watch Home Alone again. We know you’ve already watched it a few times this holiday, but the part where Kevin steals a toothbrush will tell you a lot about the upcoming week. Trust us!

Sagittarius: Do you know what happens on the 8th day of Christmas?!!! This will answer all of your questions.

Capricorn: We know deep down inside you’re pretty pumped that Christmas is more low-key this year, but it might be a good idea to put on pants today. There will be a moment where you will need to run outside, and you’ll be glad to have clothes on when you do!

Aquarius: Did you know this is the age of Aquarius? For real. 2021 is going to be ALL about you.

Pisces: Make extra gravy this year. Your life literally depends on it. We aren’t 100% clear on why your life could be endangered due to sparsity of gravy, but we believe it has something to do with a collision with an alternative universe where the Hamburgular steals gravy instead of burgers, and is patrolling your neighbourhood.

Ophiuchus: You will exist for one year only in 2021!

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