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Posts Tagged ‘horoscope

Aries:  Sit outside of your local Tim Hortons today and sing/scream “I’ll Make Love To You”  by Boys 2 Men.  Time how long it takes for you to get arrested.  To speed up the process remove your pants.

Libra:  Think honey is a good moisturizer because it looks so moist?  It’s sticky fool, if you use it you will be sticky too.

Taurus:  You should take the day off tomorrow.  To prepare start to cough now and ask, “is it hot in here?”  or walk into the wall and say, “Woah I didn’t see that there.”

Scorpio:  Go to a restaurant with all-you-can-eat crab legs.  Stuff  gigantic purse with crab legs.  Immediately or 3 weeks later sell crab legs on e-bay for 4 times the cost of buffet.

Gemini:  Thinking of making your own wine?  Don’t.  You will suck at making wine and everyone who drinks it will laugh at you and cry and vomit and possibly die.

Cancer:   You are sleeping right now.  You think you are reading this but it’s all a dream. Pinch someone to test this theory.

Leo:  Today you are a poet. You didn’t know it, but you do now because you read this. Write a poem now, send it to us and get your first poem published.  It will be great. Unless it’s not.  I’m having trouble telling if you are going to be a really good poet today or a really really really bad one. I blame the shifting of the universe on this poor reading.

Virgo: Your aura is looking a little brown today. Listen to barbara streisand’s greatest hits collection on repeat for 3 hours to turn it red and a little bit gay.

Sagittarius: Stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lumber jack. If you are a lumber jack…you really need to get a new job. for real. its 2011.

Capricorn: Try something adventurous today. like building a 3D puzzle or budding in line at starbucks, or pooping in a public garbage can

Aquarius: I sense something large preventing you from being liked. This may be a tall hat or your massive ego.

Pisces: Time to get crazy today. Call an ex-lover and ask them to pick up a carton of milk on their way home. when they ask what the hell is going on, threaten to boil their rabbit.

Ophiuchus: Dont listen to what everyone else says, you ARE a great singer. get on stage, belt it out (and send us the video when you do)

Aries:  Tag someone in a facebook picture today that is not in fact said person.  It will start a friendly banter and you will become the talk of the social media town.

Libra: Are you going out tonight?  If you are, please remember these three things. 1-lice can be airborne and toxic.  2-french people are not nice in any way and they do not like to be called frogs.  3. French people carry knives.

Taurus: You think you’re a taurus don’t you.  That’s because you are stubborn, you are probably a gemini.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Scorpio:  Do not, i repeat, DO NOT play “fuzzy bunny” with candy corn tonight.  The sharp triangular edge of the candy will pierce your cheeks and you will need to get a cheek implant from your bum skin.  People will call you bum skin face.

Gemini: Tap dancing with ugg boots just ain’t cool, atleast not tonight.  Add some bottle caps to your boots for next weekend and give it a shot.

Cancer:  Carry a tide-to-go in your hand bag tonight.  YOu will spill gravy on yourself or get pooped on by a very large animal… possibly a panda or a liger with panda tendencies.

Leo:  You should start your own bookclub tonight.  It will become really really big that or you will become really really big.  Start counting your calories and exercising just incase.

Virgo: change your status on facebook to “Im a poo head”. do it. seriously, or you will have bad luck for 30 minutes. and boy, what a loooooong 30 minutes that will be. you’ll be sorry

Sagittarius: you’re not very good at many things. we both know this. so give up the charade! you will never be a successful keyboardist.

Capricorn: fun fact – brillo pads are great exfoliators! use them daily in the shower instead of your wimpy lufa. what are you? a girl?

Aquarius: buy 4 large wheels of cheese tonight and construct a vehicle. challenge someone to a race. when they accept, say “dont be ridiculous, you expect me to race you in this thing? idiot”. And then flip him the finger and drive away in your cheese car.

Pisces: Be more excited about life! Walmart called. They actually called me to tell you that they want their lack of enthusiasm and poor hygiene back.

Ophiuchus: throw yourself into a pile of snow today infront of a large crowd, flail your arms around  and yell “the water is soooo nice!”. then encourage the local children to play marco polo with you.

did you hear?? the earth has shifted 43.5 degrees on its rotator cuff and has caused major drama in many areas of life. Kittens are multiplying at a terrifying speed, bob saggot is running for mayor in wisconson, and astrological signs are all outta wack! I know…I know. this is terrible news. (except for me, cause Im a leo and leos are awesome. brrrrap)

We take these matters seriously here at designchicks inc. and we STRONGLY recommend you check here for your new sign or your horoscope may not be as accurate as they always are! so don’t blame us if you didnt get that memo about not participating in an organized sport tonight.

Aries: Do not go horseback riding this weekend, you will fall of your horse and forget about your entire 3rd grade class.

Libra: ya I think its time. get that sex change

Taurus: go to a bar tonight and flash someone. they deserve it, they’ve had a long day.

Scorpio: you are in a very tough position right now. lemur or lemons? mixed or mangled? toxic or non toxic? cant really help you with this one, just be aware that your choices are WACKED

Gemini: learn a new dance today from a trained professional

Cancer: are you wearing your wednesday panties today?? how embarassing

Leo: keep being awesome! you are so great. 

Virgo:  Bury your favourite umbrella today.  Bury it at least 3 feet underground, but not by a beach.  Ye be warned.

Sagittarius:  If you hang out by a pizza hut parking lot tonight past 9.20 pm some may get the wrong impression of you.

Capricorn:  You will meet a (not the) mother goose today.  She will greet you with a large wet poop right on the back of your neck.  To  prevent embarrassment and serious hygiene issues wear a white turtle neck.

Aquarius:  Get a tattoo today.  If you can’t think of what to get, try something unique like Nick Nolte having coffee with Pochahontas.

Pisces:  You need a new pair of shoes, may we suggest these.

Ophiuchus: The sandwich that you left in the fridge 2 weeks ago should not be fed to your dog. This seriously could happen. Seriously, it happened to my aunts friends facebook poke friend.

Aries: did you know that thursdays are international “give a hooker a sandwich” day? So give that special hooker down your street a PB & J or a ham and swiss on whole wheat and she may give you something in return! A free movie coupon, obviously.

Libra: your chi-light is pretty low these days. cleaning out your fridge with mr. clean should fix this problem right up.

Taurus: life is pretty dull for you right now. add some auto-tune to your daily routine and reap the benefits of booty shakin’ rhythm and thousands of hits on youtube

Scorpio: summer is almost over and you STILL haven’t set up a lemonade stand?!! get on that girl.

Gemini: saying yes to a thumb war today is the right decision

Cancer: frodo once said, “I wish the ring had never come to me”. well, some unwanted things may come into your life that you must rise above. and if you’re a little person like frodo, you may need a step stool to do this.

Leo: You will feel like you are being followed today.  It’s just your shadow…and your neighbour Jim.  Didn’t know you had a neighbour Jim?  Turn around and introduce yourself!

Virgo: Mate your kitten with a tiger today.  You will get a hybrid kitten called a titten.

Sagittarius: Are you sad today?  Watch this video and you will be happy.

Capricorn: Half of your body wants corn today. The other half will reject the corn if you eat it. Make your decision wisely.

Aquarius: You will have a spectacular day if you are wearing a yellow shirt or if you have recently moved offices. You will also get an unexpected phone call today.

Pisces: Feel like being anti-social tonight? Have the perfect night in! Rent Harry and the Hendersons and watch it in the nude!

Here are Thursdays horoscopes!

Aries: challenge a younger person to a game of chess today. They will use the Horse as a surprise attack to check mate you. Counter this by shaking the board and claiming there was another earthquake.

Libra: wear fancy slippers to work today. you deserve it

Taurus: go to a pottery class tonight and make some bowls. Take those bowls home and fill them with love and promises.

Scorpio: someone cannot reach you. your phone is most likely off. turn it back on.

Gemini: theres an old irish saying “May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat”. which essentially means you should feed your cat more. or something like that…

Cancer: I sense that you have hostility towards rainbows. you should appreciate them a little bit more. like this guy.

Leo: Call a friend who you haven’t spoken to in a while.  Blame the lack of communication on said person.  Hang up the phone.

Virgo: If you see any sort of musician today make sure to give him/her 5 bucks.  Tell them its for their midnight train to Georgia.

Sagittarius:  Try out speed dating today.  On your third date, take of your pants.  This should spark something special.

Capricorn: Don’t trust any other Capricorns today, they are all thinking the same thing…”I want to be the leader of the Capricorn people and I will stop at nothing to get this power.

Aquarius:   You look good today,  real good. You will subscribe to a really awesome blog today.

Pisces:  Beware of broken glass.  Today you will avoid some glass on the ground..if you look closely at the glass it will be the exact shape of queen elizabeths head.  You will sel this on ebay for $42,051.23

Ohhh girl, here’s Tuesdays Horoscopes!

Aries: A tuba player wants you to believe there is something in his tuba, this is the oldest trick in the book for a tuba player..Do not fall for it….there is nothing special in the tuba besides saliva and air.

Libra: Take a leap of faith today. Try a bright coloured pant.

Taurus: Your foot will smell like a dirty sausage if you wear shoes without socks or if you rub dirty sausages on them

Scorpio: If you recently read that bacon grease makes a great conditioner make sure not to use it today you will get attacked by bears and this guy.

Gemini: If you have an inkling to watch an old episode of full house, try season 3 episode 6. The morals will guide you through life and beyond.

Cancer: You will eat a large amount of cheese today. Also do not put lemon in your tea with milk, the milk will curdle and that kind of cheese is super gross.

Leo: Make it a Hasbro Game Night!

Virgo: Today is a good day to talk to an old friend (specifically between the ages of 60-75)

Sagittarius: your sign comes from the word ‘Sagitarium’ which is the latin word for “gassy”. stay away from beans today.

Capricorn: DONT EAT THE LUNCH YOU PACKED TODAY! IT WILL EXPLODE. And it will be captured on film, and edited really poorly.

Aquarius: Watch Glee tonight at 9 on FOX! If you don’t, you will pay the consequences

Pisces: If crossing a bridge today, you will be stopped by a leprechaun. He will ask you his questions three. The answers to these questions (in no particular order) are: “Star Wars Episode III”, “Baked not broiled”, and “I can’t believe its not butter”. God speed my friend, god speed.

We only had one complaint that someones horoscope didn’t come true last friday so I’m thinking we were probably like 99% accurate.

Here are Mondays horoscopes!

Aries: If you are thinking of having soup for lunch today make sure to drink it out of a cup, if you use a bowl you not only spill some on your pants you will also end up looking like this

Libra: A blank envelop will appear in your near future. Open the envelope there will be a message inside. Read the message. Its okay to get up on that table and sing if you wanna! Libras are good at that. If you were a Sagitarius Id recommend not to. this girl must be a sagitarius…

Taurus: If you don’t read this blog 7 times today you will grow an arm out of your chest like this guy.

Scorpio: Listen to a Kelly Clarkson song, the third verse says everything.

Gemini: Potato skins may have exactly what you are looking for today

Cancer: Do not, I repeat do not wear moon shoes today. You WILL twist your ankle and bruise your knee.

Leo: If you think that filling up a kiddy pool with pasta and eating it with a giant fork isnt the best idea in the world, then you really need to do some self discovery today.

Virgo: Remember when Bruce Willis once said “yippie kay ey mother*****” and blew up the enemy aircraft in Die Hard 2? that was AWESOME.

Sagitarius: Dont sing on tables today like this girl

Capricorn: mars is entering the lunar nebula, this means that its time for you to switch to low fat margarine.

Today is a good day for you to participate in a scavenger hunt with Ellen Degeneres. Wait for her call this afternoon. and make sure you wear a sweater vest.

Pisces: Watch out for zombies. You may think you know someone today but they turn out to really be a zombie.

You probably didn’t know this about us, but Robin and I are kind of psychic. So we’ve decided to write horoscopes for you, free of charge! you’re welcome.

Aries: don’t go outside today without a can of Kimlan brand waterchestnuts. trust us, they will come in handy

Libra: When life gives you lemons, buy a fancy bowl and make a pretty centerpiece for your table. do that today.

Taurus: Oh’s best we don’t share this one with you. just…stay away from men with silly hats today

Scorpio: Someone will try to reach out to you today. Probably with one of those wooden back-scratching arms. it’ll be weird at first, but then enjoyable. embrace this feeling.

Gemini: Stop being a douche.

Cancer: Don’t make any phone calls today. In fact, its best you don’t use your phone at all.

Leo: Rita Macneil once said “sugar, when life gets you down, eat 3 big macs”. Don’t listen to her.

Virgo: If wearing brown pants and a green shirt today beware you may get mistaken for a tree.

Libra: A secret closet near your favourite coffee shop may lead to an unknown land known as Narnia.

Sagitarius: The moon has entered your t-zone which means it is time to submit an entry to be on your favourite reality show. You will get chosen or get completely rejected.

Digging a hole today could lead to lots of moist dirt. Kevin Costner is nearby, he is looking for you. If you wear a really great hat it will be easier for him to find you.

You will win the lottery today if you pick the correct numbers and you consume the proper amount of vitamin c

Pisces: If you are wearing pants HALT. Your pants WILLl catch on fire today so you should probably get rid of the hazardous material. This guy is totally a pisces


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