You probably didn’t know this about us, but Robin and I are kind of psychic. So we’ve decided to write horoscopes for you, free of charge! you’re welcome.

Aries: don’t go outside today without a can of Kimlan brand waterchestnuts. trust us, they will come in handy

Libra: When life gives you lemons, buy a fancy bowl and make a pretty centerpiece for your table. do that today.

Taurus: Oh no..it’s best we don’t share this one with you. just…stay away from men with silly hats today

Scorpio: Someone will try to reach out to you today. Probably with one of those wooden back-scratching arms. it’ll be weird at first, but then enjoyable. embrace this feeling.

Gemini: Stop being a douche.

Cancer: Don’t make any phone calls today. In fact, its best you don’t use your phone at all.

Leo: Rita Macneil once said “sugar, when life gets you down, eat 3 big macs”. Don’t listen to her.

Virgo: If wearing brown pants and a green shirt today beware you may get mistaken for a tree.

Libra: A secret closet near your favourite coffee shop may lead to an unknown land known as Narnia.

Sagitarius: The moon has entered your t-zone which means it is time to submit an entry to be on your favourite reality show. You will get chosen or get completely rejected.

Capricorn: Digging a hole today could lead to lots of moist dirt. Kevin Costner is nearby, he is looking for you. If you wear a really great hat it will be easier for him to find you.

Aqaurius: You will win the lottery today if you pick the correct numbers and you consume the proper amount of vitamin c

Pisces: If you are wearing pants HALT. Your pants WILLl catch on fire today so you should probably get rid of the hazardous material. This guy is totally a pisces