Archive for August 2011
Aries: Peanut butter should not be used as a moisturizer Aries. Seriously you are already nutty as is.
Libra: Do not share underwear with Gemini today. You will get crabs and nobody will love you ever.
Taurus: Try a new recipe today! May we suggest this one.
Scorpio: Stop trying to see your own farts. Seriously…they are invisible and if you look hard enough you are guaranteed to get pink eye.
Gemini: Do not lend your underwear to Libra today. Also consult your physician you may (99.4% probability) have crabs.
Cancer: When your boss asks you to do something lickety split don’t lick his/her face and then do the splits. This is grounds for immediate dismissal, unless you are training to be a Olympic gymnast and your trainer tastes like ice cream…in that case it’s fair game.
Leo: You need to become a plumber. An elderly women is in distress and needs your help! Only you have the magic plunger.
Virgo: Selena Gomez is pregnant with Justin Beiber’s baby. Tell every one you know! People will start to worship you and come to you for juicy gossip more than Perez Hilton and TMZ.
Sagittarius: Cinnamon heart overdoses are not a joke. Take them seriously and stay away from the bulk barn. Also, cocaine can be harmful too.
Capricorn: Seize the day! Seize it with some suspenders. You can be much more efficient and spontaneous knowing that your pants will not fall down, no matter what you do!
Aquarius: You are so good looking today and everyday. Aquarius keep being you. Everyone loves you and you are really good at writing blogs. You smell great too. Also nice hair!
Pisces: Time to get serious! Serious about teaching your children to hack into government computers. If you don’t have children, start babysitting. The government has valuable information that you must know.
Ophiuchus:Do not visit northern Alberta prison cells today. You will lose your mind. Literally decapitated.
Do you love music? Do you love not being naked? Well, we’ve got the website for you!
The staff at Guataca Music Wear are hardcore music fans and believe that nothing says ‘rock and roll’ like the emblematic black band t-shirt. Created by world class designers these t-shirts are being brought to you as a part of a movement to help ensure children across the country have access to music programs at school.
Guataca wha? What does guataca mean? Guataca is Venezuelan slang. The word is used to describe musicians who have the ability to “play by ear.” If you have Guataca, making music is something that will come naturally.
When you purchase a Guataca Music Wear tee, a portion of the proceeds is donated directly to MusiCounts, a Canadian music education charity. MusiCounts’ mission is to insist that all Canadian children, regardless of cultural background or socio-economic circumstances have access to a comprehensive music program through their school.
Check out Guataca Music Wear today and support a kid who wants to play the guitar or the drums or flute or saxaphone or harp or banjo or xylophone or trumpet or the weird kid who just likes to snap. Don’t be this guy, be cool and buy a t-shirt.
Aries: you will feel gassy today. too bad you’re going dancing. If the crowd disperses around you as you disperse your bodily gas, turn it into a positive – did someone say spontaneous dance circle?!! go aries! go aries! go go, go aries!
Libra: You wernt allowed to watch the simpsons growing up, were you? that explains a lot. You have many anxieties, one being racism towards yellow people. this is unhealthy and hilarious.
Taurus: embrace your faults. except for your complete lack of hygene, its not very becoming of you
Scorpio: You learn something new everyday today you are going to learn that Jonah Hill (that crazy fat funny guy) is now really creepy skinny. Check it out!
Gemini: remember that alanis song about joey from full house. “YOU OUGHTA KNOW, YOUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU”. I dont know what her problem was, didnt she know that it was never gunna work? he lived in san fran and was trying to make it as a comedian. plus he had to babysit the goblin twins. what a needy bitch. anyways the point is, stop being so needy!
Cancer: TGIF, right? WRONG. get back to work cancer! that marshmellow castle wont make itself
Leo: Leo, we know you like to party…we get it. Put your pants back on it’s like 3 in the afternoon, wait till 3am when this is appropriate.
Virgo: Refrain from going on a hot rod diet today you will gain 17 pounds of pure greasy butter.
Sagittarius: Try a unique gum flavour today. I suggest Vanilla and Mint. You might think it’s crazy but your tongue and teeth will thank you for it.
Capricorn: Nobody loves you. Except us, so you should probably keep reading our blog. Plus we are really honest and will tell you when you are having a bad hair day. Let’s call a spade a spade – it’s been a bad hair month for you.
Pisces: The Hanson brothers are playing in your neighborhood soon. Not sure if Ike and Taylor or Zach are going to be there but they are brothers and their last names are Hanson or maybe Jonas.
Ophiuchus: You will poop your pants today. If not consider gripe water it helps with constipation.
August 5th is a very important day in history. Not many people know that on this day Bryan Adams went into a pet store and purchased 2 hamsters. These small furry animals served as inspiration for his 2004 album, “room service”. With memorable tracks, “blessing in disguise” and “open road”, its not hard to feel the influence of his fetish. what a perv.
Also on this day, in 1983, the little tab thingy on your office chair was invented – the western world has been enjoying smooth vertical transitions for 27 years now! wow, what an exciting advancement.
Also on this day, in 1852, a man named Adam Kerfuffle walked into a general store in oklahoma and punched the owner in the face. The motive for this random happening is unkown, but it is said that multiple bistanders joined the fight, until a huge brawl had broken out. This stopped after 3 hours, when they realized they didnt know what they were fighting for. After a hot shower together and a couple of beers they decided to call their strange and somewhat sexual experience a “kerfuffle” – commonly know today as to describe a commotion or fuss!
wow, what a day.
Rachel Reilly was absolutely devastated after her fiance Brendon got voted off of the show. She was so distraught so Jordan suggested that they give her a makeover. Rachel suggested dying her hair a drastic color. Since they didn’t have access to any hair dye on the set they used koolaid packages and markers. I assume it will be washed out by the time the next episode airs so I thought I’d share this pic with all you big brother fans.
Aries: Your honey will get crusty today. Have no fear, the microwave is near.
Libra: Trident gum is not for you today, it will cause you to seize and have uncontrollable bowel movements.
Taurus: Tea bag your best friend today. Preferably with Tetley Green Tea & Pomegranate infusion.
Scorpio: Drink lots of milk today, your bones are exceptionally brittle. If you are lactose intolerant wear a full body protective suit to ensure that you don’t break any bones.
Gemini: Kelsey Grammar wants to tell you a knock knock joke. It’s not very funny so don’t bother calling him.
Cancer: Start a lemonade stand but instead of selling lemonade sell popcorn. Your profit per kernal is higher than your profit per lemon.
Leo: Control yourself! If you have a craving to eat roadkill, stop yourself. You CAN obtain rabies from eating a roasted dead squirrel.
Virgo: wow virgo, you have come a long way. no really I dont know how you do that commute every morning, you’re crazy.
Sagittarius: sag rhymes with vag, hahah. worst horoscope sign EVER. no but really, be weary of small asian men today, they carry small knives, and they are quick.
Capricorn: stop using vicks vapour rub, you smell like a miami bartender from the 80’s.
Aquarius: you have a magnetic personality, almost as magnetic as magnet boy. thats effed.
Pisces: amy whinehouse once said ” oy, where me pants at?” That sentence has more meaning than you will ever know.
Ophiuchus: you’re still around? didnt we conclude that your sign doesnt exist? go away! gawd, you Ophiuchus’s really know how to overstay your welcome.