Archive for February 2011
Aries: Wear a skinny tie today. A thick tie will make you seem to mischievous and untrustworthy (like a Leo).
Libra: Stop wearing purple lipstick. it makes you look like a hooker. for real.
Taurus: Tell your co-worker that they have something on their face. Laugh at them. When they go to the washroom to fix themselves up.. go on their facebook and change their status to “I like to bathe in Philadelphia cream cheese”
Scorpio: WHAT?! no way! sorry my pyschic senses just told me something crazy thats going to happen to you. I cant tell you though. okay I can. It rhymes with merpes. you better get that checked.
Gemini: Take a bath today. Try cream cheese instead of water. You may get stuck so keep a cell phone handy to call for paramedics.
Cancer: Stop wearing sunglasses at night. they make you look like a douchebag, like people with those tweety bird-steering wheel covers, or neighbours with above-ground pools that take up their entire backyard. idiots.
Leo: Do not speak to anyone today that is wearing a large hat. They are smuggling illegal potato bugs from Africa.
Virgo: Take a cooking class tonight. Bring your own pots and pans, hair net, spoons, pet lobster and the first season of Hells Kitchen or Full House on DVD.
Sagittarius: Go on a 30 hour famine for 2 hours. what? thats ridiculous, you say. well you know whats ridiculous? your ears.
Capricorn: Do not give up on your dreams. Marilyn Denis wants to talk to you. I have no idea why. Perhaps you hit her car or you are pregnant with her sons baby. I don’t know all the facts, but I know she wants to talk to you.
Aquarius: people are talking about you behind your back. no really, look behind you, they are having a really great conversation.
Pisces: Comment on a blog post today. Try this one. Use the alias Melba Lee Toast.
Ophiuchus: you’re really bad at accents. stop doing them.
You’ve stopped taking birth control. You have discussed wanting to have a baby with your significant other. You and your partner are both aware and ready for the sleepless nights ahead. You are ready for a baby. It’s time to get pregnant, right?
Wrong. Dead wrong.
Most women don’t think about what having a baby will do to their lives. They don’t realize the detrimental effect it will have on their fashion sense. Not everyone knows that a baby does not typically match their favourite outfit. Most moms that carry around their babies in those baby knapsack things look like total and utter douches and they will likely end up on What Not to Wear! I know what your thinking, time to tie the tubes and settle for buying a cat. Wrong! Cats aren’t fashionable either (haven’t you ever watched Hoarders?) Also, the amazing japanese inventors have done it once again, they have solved all your baby fashion nightmares. These lovely baby sweaters come in a variety of colours and fabrics. How styling (and not at all creepy) !!
Our world is filled with some pretty amazing people. I can name atleast 5. Nelson Mandela, Matt Damon, Laura Stradiotto, Robin McNicoll and James Franco. Unfortunately we are also surrounded by quite a few douches. If you look up douche in the dictionary the face of two men will appear. Chad Kroeger and Nicolas Cage are captains of the douche factory. We’ve already interviewed Chad so now we’ve decided to see how Nic would answer our celebrity interview.
Nicolas Cage was born on January 7, 1964 and since his mom was unable to stuff him back in he started his douche quest. I’ve always wondered how this incredibly unfortunate looking man with no substance made it into the entertainment business. I’ve asked experts like David Suzuki, Bill Nye the Science Guy and Antoine Dodson and they all said they don’t really know, fo’ real! Then I wikipedia’d him and found out that his uncle is Francis Ford Coppola. Sooo….maybe that’s how? I don’t know that’s still a stretch.
See Nic’s answers to our interview below. *Note all answers are based on a true story
1) What is your favourite 90’s sitcom?
I liked that commercial with the guy that everyone thought ate too many chocolate bars.
That’s a commercial.
Ya but he didn’t even eat a lot of chocolate bars, he just had acne.
2) Do you own any music by Rita MacNeil?
I banged her and by Rita I mean this 19 year old girl that I knocked up and married. I’m so great.
3) Do you have any nicknames?
Substancetard, Dumb ass mo fo, Kim, Copolladouche and my mom called me Nancy but that was before the change to my no no parts.
4) Do you have a favourite youtube video? If so, what?
Love this video. I feel like it really shows my versatility as a hair model.
5) Do you have a favorite hat? If so, please describe or send us a photo of you wearing said hat
I have this one tattooed on my butt.
That is a tattoo with a squirel wearing a hat.
Pretty cool right!
6) Do you have any hidden talents? If so, please describe, or send us a video of you demonstrating said talent whilst wearing your favourite hat mentioned in question 5.
My mom says I’m pretty.