Aries: Wear a skinny tie today.  A thick tie will make you seem to mischievous and untrustworthy  (like a Leo).

Libra: Stop wearing purple lipstick. it makes you look like a hooker. for real.

Taurus: Tell your co-worker that they have something on their face. Laugh at them.  When they go to the washroom to fix themselves up.. go on their facebook and change their status to “I like to bathe in Philadelphia cream cheese”

Scorpio: WHAT?! no way! sorry my pyschic senses just told me something crazy thats going to happen to you. I cant tell you though. okay I can. It rhymes with merpes. you better get that checked.

Gemini: Take a bath today.  Try cream cheese instead of water.  You may get stuck so keep a cell phone handy to call for paramedics.

Cancer: Stop wearing sunglasses at night. they make you look like a douchebag, like people with those tweety bird-steering wheel covers, or neighbours with above-ground pools that take up their entire backyard. idiots.

Leo: Do not speak to anyone today that is wearing a large hat.  They are smuggling illegal  potato bugs  from Africa.

Virgo: Take a cooking class tonight.  Bring your own pots and pans, hair net, spoons, pet lobster and the first season of  Hells Kitchen or Full House on DVD.

Sagittarius: Go on a 30 hour famine for 2 hours. what? thats ridiculous, you say. well you know whats ridiculous? your ears.

Capricorn: Do not give up on your dreams.  Marilyn Denis wants to talk to you.  I have no idea why. Perhaps you hit her car or you are pregnant with her sons baby.  I don’t know all the facts, but I know she wants to talk to you.

Aquarius: people are talking about you behind your back. no really, look behind you, they are having a really great conversation.

Pisces: Comment on a blog post today.  Try this one.  Use the alias Melba Lee Toast.

Ophiuchus: you’re really bad at accents. stop doing them.