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Archive for January 2011


Aries:  Sit outside of your local Tim Hortons today and sing/scream “I’ll Make Love To You”  by Boys 2 Men.  Time how long it takes for you to get arrested.  To speed up the process remove your pants.

Libra:  Think honey is a good moisturizer because it looks so moist?  It’s sticky fool, if you use it you will be sticky too.

Taurus:  You should take the day off tomorrow.  To prepare start to cough now and ask, “is it hot in here?”  or walk into the wall and say, “Woah I didn’t see that there.”

Scorpio:  Go to a restaurant with all-you-can-eat crab legs.  Stuff  gigantic purse with crab legs.  Immediately or 3 weeks later sell crab legs on e-bay for 4 times the cost of buffet.

Gemini:  Thinking of making your own wine?  Don’t.  You will suck at making wine and everyone who drinks it will laugh at you and cry and vomit and possibly die.

Cancer:   You are sleeping right now.  You think you are reading this but it’s all a dream. Pinch someone to test this theory.

Leo:  Today you are a poet. You didn’t know it, but you do now because you read this. Write a poem now, send it to us and get your first poem published.  It will be great. Unless it’s not.  I’m having trouble telling if you are going to be a really good poet today or a really really really bad one. I blame the shifting of the universe on this poor reading.

Virgo: Your aura is looking a little brown today. Listen to barbara streisand’s greatest hits collection on repeat for 3 hours to turn it red and a little bit gay.

Sagittarius: Stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lumber jack. If you are a lumber jack…you really need to get a new job. for real. its 2011.

Capricorn: Try something adventurous today. like building a 3D puzzle or budding in line at starbucks, or pooping in a public garbage can

Aquarius: I sense something large preventing you from being liked. This may be a tall hat or your massive ego.

Pisces: Time to get crazy today. Call an ex-lover and ask them to pick up a carton of milk on their way home. when they ask what the hell is going on, threaten to boil their rabbit.

Ophiuchus: Dont listen to what everyone else says, you ARE a great singer. get on stage, belt it out (and send us the video when you do)


Last night I tripped and and fell down my stairs and lodged my arm between my dresser and the wall. I screamed for help but noone came. 2 hours had passed and I was running out of water, and I started to hallucinate.  I was getting weaker by the minute. It was now or never. So I cut off my arm. Its true. And if I hadn’t seen 127 hours the night before I wouldn’t be alive today. Thankyou James Franco.  A) for lookin’ daaaamn fine and b) for teaching me how to cut off a limb with a blunt knife, while still looking daaaamn fine! (who knew you had to reach your hand in and split the tendons with your fingers!).  I don’t have one bad thing to say about this movie other than 127 hours just wasn’t enough air time for J dog. Im hoping for a sequal, called “127 hours, oops I did it again” where he has to cut off his other arm with his artificial claw.  How exciting would that be?!!
I give this movie 4 war amp ritas!

what did you think Robin?

 

Holy guacomole! We both saw the same movie again!   I was hesitant to see this movie because I tend to fall asleep in movies that are more than an hour and a half long.  I thought there is no way I can stay awake for a movie that is 127 hours.   That is like a really long movie, fo’ real!  Then James Franco called me up and said, “Hey beautiful, just wanted to inform you that the movie title 127 hours has nothing to do with the length of the movie,  also you give me butterflies because you are so great.”  I was like aw James that’s really nice, I will check your movie out!  Anyways,  the movie is a true story about a guy who is mountain climbing in utah and then BAM BOOM BAH…he get’s his arm trapped under a boulder and is stuck for 127 hours.  How does he get out do you ask?  Well I don’t want to give away the ending but this guy probably couldn’t be a hand or arm model but he could audition to be Captain Hook in peter pan.  Gosh I hope that wasn’t too obvious.  Anyways, James Franco (I call him Jamie-Froo) is amazing in this movie and should probably win an oscar or the chance to host the oscars even!  Oh snap, he is hosting them.  I wonder if he can bring a date.  I’ll have to ask him.  I give this movie  4 captain hook Rita’s + 1 pic of James and I last weekend.  That counts as like 4 ½ Rita’s out of 5.


“bored? try this game! I got 10.4 seconds on my first try!”

can you beat paul?


Does this actually exist? an encyclopedia dedicated to people we hate?
LOVE it! but we are shocked and appalled that Chad Kroeger is not in here. they really dropped the ball on that one. we could have done this better.

Maybe he’s in douchepedia or  chadneedstocuthishair.com, or reallyhowisthisguyfamous.uk, or lemonparty.org


Laura and I both know what it’s like to be stuck in a stuffy office all day.  You know that song, “Everybody’s working for the weekend”  that song was basically wrote about us.  Anyways, sometimes we are so busy that we don’t have time to step outside and get some fresh air.  It’s can be really difficult because some people we work with have the bad case of bratwurst feet and it gets really stankin stanky in here.  Laura and I jumped for joy when we found out about this miraculous japanese invention.  The fashionable fresh air mask.  How convenient.  Just put this bad boy on your desk, attach it to your face and as Faith Hill would say, “Just Breathe”.  It’s as simple as that.  You could literally live in a basement full of cats or rats like this guy and you’d would be totally fresh and fine.


Holy Smokes!! What the crunk!?  We just landed ourselves another celebrity inteview. What the grill!  Our latest interview is with the great Canadian crunk band Sans Serif.  The band consists of these crazy cats: Stu Ron Hubbard, Peter Chipman, Stephanie Gora, Jason Meisner, Jeremy Toma, Jack Dalziel & Rachel Wise.  If you don’t know Sans Serif, you probably don’t even know what colour pants your wore yesterday or maybe you didn’t even wear pants.  Seriously you should know this band.  Your life will probably change just by listening to their music. Before I started listening to Sans Serif I seriously hated roasted peppers…now they are a regular part of my daily diet. I am absolutely certain that I have Sans Serif to thank for my new found love of roasted peppers.  Check them out here grab a plate of vegetables you think you hate and read our interview.

1) What is your favourite 90’s sitcom?
I would definitely have to go with newsradio. even the last season without phil hartman is really good (especially since jon lovitz had already played something like 2 different characters on the show). and somehow andy dick is really funny in it. plus maura tierney’s kind of a babe.

2) Do you own any music by Rita MacNeil?
No. but we do have a copy of the barbara striesand album ‘superman’ up on our wall: http://www.allmusic.com/album/streisand-superman-r26528

3) Do you have any nicknames?
Sometimes we refer to jeremy as jerome. other times we just call him a jerk. actually, he’s alright (though not single… sorry ladies).

4) Do you have a favourite youtube video?  If so, what?
Recently i’ve been watching celebrity autobiography on youtube. it’s where comedians read excerpts from quintessential celebrity autobiographies.  here’s one featuring the early poems of suzanne somers

5) Do you have a favorite hat? If so please describe or send us a photo of you wearing said hat.
Sometimes peter wears a robot hat. well really it’s more like a mask/helmet. we really haven’t gotten past robots yet. we totally missed the whole vampire thing, and now we’re way behind this zombie craze.  maybe we can catch up in time for the next fad. i’m crossing my fingers it will have something to do with tony danza.

6) Do you have any hidden talents? If so, please describe, or send us a
video of you demonstrating said talent.
I don’t know about hidden talents, but here are some sans serif secrets (all completely true): steph sings better after eating salt and vinegar chips; jason has taken boudoir photographs of himself (he may be sprawled on top of a fish tank); jack thinks everything went downhill after the blue jays won the world series in 1993; rachel’s cat hasn’t learnt to play fight yet, so i get cuts all over my hands.

I’m pretty sure this band is my band sibling from another mother.  Thanks for the response guys!!


Aries:  Tag someone in a facebook picture today that is not in fact said person.  It will start a friendly banter and you will become the talk of the social media town.

Libra: Are you going out tonight?  If you are, please remember these three things. 1-lice can be airborne and toxic.  2-french people are not nice in any way and they do not like to be called frogs.  3. French people carry knives.

Taurus: You think you’re a taurus don’t you.  That’s because you are stubborn, you are probably a gemini.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Scorpio:  Do not, i repeat, DO NOT play “fuzzy bunny” with candy corn tonight.  The sharp triangular edge of the candy will pierce your cheeks and you will need to get a cheek implant from your bum skin.  People will call you bum skin face.

Gemini: Tap dancing with ugg boots just ain’t cool, atleast not tonight.  Add some bottle caps to your boots for next weekend and give it a shot.

Cancer:  Carry a tide-to-go in your hand bag tonight.  YOu will spill gravy on yourself or get pooped on by a very large animal… possibly a panda or a liger with panda tendencies.

Leo:  You should start your own bookclub tonight.  It will become really really big that or you will become really really big.  Start counting your calories and exercising just incase.

Virgo: change your status on facebook to “Im a poo head”. do it. seriously, or you will have bad luck for 30 minutes. and boy, what a loooooong 30 minutes that will be. you’ll be sorry

Sagittarius: you’re not very good at many things. we both know this. so give up the charade! you will never be a successful keyboardist.

Capricorn: fun fact – brillo pads are great exfoliators! use them daily in the shower instead of your wimpy lufa. what are you? a girl?

Aquarius: buy 4 large wheels of cheese tonight and construct a vehicle. challenge someone to a race. when they accept, say “dont be ridiculous, you expect me to race you in this thing? idiot”. And then flip him the finger and drive away in your cheese car.

Pisces: Be more excited about life! Walmart called. They actually called me to tell you that they want their lack of enthusiasm and poor hygiene back.

Ophiuchus: throw yourself into a pile of snow today infront of a large crowd, flail your arms around  and yell “the water is soooo nice!”. then encourage the local children to play marco polo with you.


Have you ever been in the middle of eating something and said “this is sooooo good I just wanna climb inside of it and find the love of my life and have babies and build a house with a white picket fence and never ever ever leave because its so delicious”

well check this burger bed out! I dont know about building a house inside of it, but I could definitely sleep for hours between its warm faux sesamee buns. And Id go to work that morning and people would be like “you look so refreshed !” and I’d be all “yo, I just woke up in a burger, for real” and they’d be like “yo thats facked”

Features:
– Comes with 1 patty or 2
– Pickles optional
– Veggy burgers available
– Vegan burgers limited in stock


BIG NEWS!
did you hear?? the earth has shifted 43.5 degrees on its rotator cuff and has caused major drama in many areas of life. Kittens are multiplying at a terrifying speed, bob saggot is running for mayor in wisconson, and astrological signs are all outta wack! I know…I know. this is terrible news. (except for me, cause Im a leo and leos are awesome. brrrrap)

We take these matters seriously here at designchicks inc. and we STRONGLY recommend you check here for your new sign or your horoscope may not be as accurate as they always are! so don’t blame us if you didnt get that memo about not participating in an organized sport tonight.

Aries: Do not go horseback riding this weekend, you will fall of your horse and forget about your entire 3rd grade class.

Libra: ya I think its time. get that sex change

Taurus: go to a bar tonight and flash someone. they deserve it, they’ve had a long day.

Scorpio: you are in a very tough position right now. lemur or lemons? mixed or mangled? toxic or non toxic? cant really help you with this one, just be aware that your choices are WACKED

Gemini: learn a new dance today from a trained professional

Cancer: are you wearing your wednesday panties today?? how embarassing

Leo: keep being awesome! you are so great. 

Virgo:  Bury your favourite umbrella today.  Bury it at least 3 feet underground, but not by a beach.  Ye be warned.

Sagittarius:  If you hang out by a pizza hut parking lot tonight past 9.20 pm some may get the wrong impression of you.

Capricorn:  You will meet a (not the) mother goose today.  She will greet you with a large wet poop right on the back of your neck.  To  prevent embarrassment and serious hygiene issues wear a white turtle neck.

Aquarius:  Get a tattoo today.  If you can’t think of what to get, try something unique like Nick Nolte having coffee with Pochahontas.

Pisces:  You need a new pair of shoes, may we suggest these.

Ophiuchus: The sandwich that you left in the fridge 2 weeks ago should not be fed to your dog. This seriously could happen. Seriously, it happened to my aunts friends facebook poke friend.


How do you  know if a movie is really terrible?  Well it has a bunch a celebs that you love like Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson and Reese Witherspoon but it also makes you want to breath in chlorophome and have a good ol fashioned forced nap.  Seriously this movie had the juice but it lacked substance, like Burt Reynolds without a moustache or Suzanne Sommers without the thigh master.  I have a serious crush on Paul Rudd, his short arms and blue eyes have a way of making me feel like a 12 year old girl after popping an ecstasy at a Bieber concert.  Soooo you would think that his ridiculously long drawn out scenes about god knows what would have me in a real Beiber fever, but NO…I literally just felt hung over.  The ecstasy had worn off, I felt lost and impotent.   I do not recommend anyone see this movie, there was really no point to it.  It didn’t make me laugh or cry or even scream or vomit.  Literally no point.  I give this movie 1 George Bush eating a cat out of 5.  Why George Bush eating a cat? No reason, there is no point to him eating the cat, just like there is no point to this movie.  That just happened.  Laura, what do you think?

How do you know when its time to walk out in the middle of a movie.  Oh I don’t know, when you just remembered that you left the coffee maker on, or you have explosive diareaah, OR when you put a dried up actress in a stupid rom com about…frankly I don’t even remember what it was about. I don’t even think the directors knew what it was about.  I don’t even think the innocent mail boy who delivers the mail to everyone in the production studio and eventually climbs his way to the top to become a famous movie producer knew what it was about. (or did that only happen in the 40s?). Nevertheless, it was abysmal. Wait I think that word is too sophisticated for this movie, I’m gunna say it was POOPY *fart noise*.

“Why did you see it laura?” you ask. Well I will tell you. But its kind of embarrassing, I was…drugged. YES ITS TRUE! I was drugged and kidnapped and before I knew it I woke up in a dark theatre with popcorn in my lap and a massive headache from hearing reese witherspoon’s incessant whining. Im okay, don’t worry. Thanks for your concern. I just need to rest.

I give this movie one rita bathing. Because that’s what I would have rather been watching.


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