Archive for January 2011
Aries: Sit outside of your local Tim Hortons today and sing/scream “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boys 2 Men. Time how long it takes for you to get arrested. To speed up the process remove your pants.
Libra: Think honey is a good moisturizer because it looks so moist? It’s sticky fool, if you use it you will be sticky too.
Taurus: You should take the day off tomorrow. To prepare start to cough now and ask, “is it hot in here?” or walk into the wall and say, “Woah I didn’t see that there.”
Scorpio: Go to a restaurant with all-you-can-eat crab legs. Stuff gigantic purse with crab legs. Immediately or 3 weeks later sell crab legs on e-bay for 4 times the cost of buffet.
Gemini: Thinking of making your own wine? Don’t. You will suck at making wine and everyone who drinks it will laugh at you and cry and vomit and possibly die.
Cancer: You are sleeping right now. You think you are reading this but it’s all a dream. Pinch someone to test this theory.
Leo: Today you are a poet. You didn’t know it, but you do now because you read this. Write a poem now, send it to us and get your first poem published. It will be great. Unless it’s not. I’m having trouble telling if you are going to be a really good poet today or a really really really bad one. I blame the shifting of the universe on this poor reading.
Virgo: Your aura is looking a little brown today. Listen to barbara streisand’s greatest hits collection on repeat for 3 hours to turn it red and a little bit gay.
Sagittarius: Stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lumber jack. If you are a lumber jack…you really need to get a new job. for real. its 2011.
Capricorn: Try something adventurous today. like building a 3D puzzle or budding in line at starbucks, or pooping in a public garbage can
Aquarius: I sense something large preventing you from being liked. This may be a tall hat or your massive ego.
Pisces: Time to get crazy today. Call an ex-lover and ask them to pick up a carton of milk on their way home. when they ask what the hell is going on, threaten to boil their rabbit.
Ophiuchus: Dont listen to what everyone else says, you ARE a great singer. get on stage, belt it out (and send us the video when you do)
Last night I tripped and and fell down my stairs and lodged my arm between my dresser and the wall. I screamed for help but noone came. 2 hours had passed and I was running out of water, and I started to hallucinate. I was getting weaker by the minute. It was now or never. So I cut off my arm. Its true. And if I hadn’t seen 127 hours the night before I wouldn’t be alive today. Thankyou James Franco. A) for lookin’ daaaamn fine and b) for teaching me how to cut off a limb with a blunt knife, while still looking daaaamn fine! (who knew you had to reach your hand in and split the tendons with your fingers!). I don’t have one bad thing to say about this movie other than 127 hours just wasn’t enough air time for J dog. Im hoping for a sequal, called “127 hours, oops I did it again” where he has to cut off his other arm with his artificial claw. How exciting would that be?!!
I give this movie 4 war amp ritas!
what did you think Robin?
Holy guacomole! We both saw the same movie again! I was hesitant to see this movie because I tend to fall asleep in movies that are more than an hour and a half long. I thought there is no way I can stay awake for a movie that is 127 hours. That is like a really long movie, fo’ real! Then James Franco called me up and said, “Hey beautiful, just wanted to inform you that the movie title 127 hours has nothing to do with the length of the movie, also you give me butterflies because you are so great.” I was like aw James that’s really nice, I will check your movie out! Anyways, the movie is a true story about a guy who is mountain climbing in utah and then BAM BOOM BAH…he get’s his arm trapped under a boulder and is stuck for 127 hours. How does he get out do you ask? Well I don’t want to give away the ending but this guy probably couldn’t be a hand or arm model but he could audition to be Captain Hook in peter pan. Gosh I hope that wasn’t too obvious. Anyways, James Franco (I call him Jamie-Froo) is amazing in this movie and should probably win an oscar or the chance to host the oscars even! Oh snap, he is hosting them. I wonder if he can bring a date. I’ll have to ask him. I give this movie 4 captain hook Rita’s + 1 pic of James and I last weekend. That counts as like 4 ½ Rita’s out of 5.
“bored? try this game! I got 10.4 seconds on my first try!”
can you beat paul?
Does this actually exist? an encyclopedia dedicated to people we hate?
LOVE it! but we are shocked and appalled that Chad Kroeger is not in here. they really dropped the ball on that one. we could have done this better.
Maybe he’s in douchepedia or chadneedstocuthishair.com, or reallyhowisthisguyfamous.uk, or lemonparty.org
Laura and I both know what it’s like to be stuck in a stuffy office all day. You know that song, “Everybody’s working for the weekend” that song was basically wrote about us. Anyways, sometimes we are so busy that we don’t have time to step outside and get some fresh air. It’s can be really difficult because some people we work with have the bad case of bratwurst feet and it gets really stankin stanky in here. Laura and I jumped for joy when we found out about this miraculous japanese invention. The fashionable fresh air mask. How convenient. Just put this bad boy on your desk, attach it to your face and as Faith Hill would say, “Just Breathe”. It’s as simple as that. You could literally live in a basement full of cats or rats like this guy and you’d would be totally fresh and fine.
Holy Smokes!! What the crunk!? We just landed ourselves another celebrity inteview. What the grill! Our latest interview is with the great Canadian crunk band Sans Serif. The band consists of these crazy cats: Stu Ron Hubbard, Peter Chipman, Stephanie Gora, Jason Meisner, Jeremy Toma, Jack Dalziel & Rachel Wise. If you don’t know Sans Serif, you probably don’t even know what colour pants your wore yesterday or maybe you didn’t even wear pants. Seriously you should know this band. Your life will probably change just by listening to their music. Before I started listening to Sans Serif I seriously hated roasted peppers…now they are a regular part of my daily diet. I am absolutely certain that I have Sans Serif to thank for my new found love of roasted peppers. Check them out here grab a plate of vegetables you think you hate and read our interview.
1) What is your favourite 90’s sitcom?
I would definitely have to go with newsradio. even the last season without phil hartman is really good (especially since jon lovitz had already played something like 2 different characters on the show). and somehow andy dick is really funny in it. plus maura tierney’s kind of a babe.
2) Do you own any music by Rita MacNeil?
No. but we do have a copy of the barbara striesand album ‘superman’ up on our wall: http://www.allmusic.com/album/streisand-superman-r26528
3) Do you have any nicknames?
Sometimes we refer to jeremy as jerome. other times we just call him a jerk. actually, he’s alright (though not single… sorry ladies).
4) Do you have a favourite youtube video? If so, what?
Recently i’ve been watching celebrity autobiography on youtube. it’s where comedians read excerpts from quintessential celebrity autobiographies. here’s one featuring the early poems of suzanne somers
5) Do you have a favorite hat? If so please describe or send us a photo of you wearing said hat.
Sometimes peter wears a robot hat. well really it’s more like a mask/helmet. we really haven’t gotten past robots yet. we totally missed the whole vampire thing, and now we’re way behind this zombie craze. maybe we can catch up in time for the next fad. i’m crossing my fingers it will have something to do with tony danza.
6) Do you have any hidden talents? If so, please describe, or send us a
video of you demonstrating said talent.
I don’t know about hidden talents, but here are some sans serif secrets (all completely true): steph sings better after eating salt and vinegar chips; jason has taken boudoir photographs of himself (he may be sprawled on top of a fish tank); jack thinks everything went downhill after the blue jays won the world series in 1993; rachel’s cat hasn’t learnt to play fight yet, so i get cuts all over my hands.
I’m pretty sure this band is my band sibling from another mother. Thanks for the response guys!!
Aries: Tag someone in a facebook picture today that is not in fact said person. It will start a friendly banter and you will become the talk of the social media town.
Libra: Are you going out tonight? If you are, please remember these three things. 1-lice can be airborne and toxic. 2-french people are not nice in any way and they do not like to be called frogs. 3. French people carry knives.
Taurus: You think you’re a taurus don’t you. That’s because you are stubborn, you are probably a gemini. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Scorpio: Do not, i repeat, DO NOT play “fuzzy bunny” with candy corn tonight. The sharp triangular edge of the candy will pierce your cheeks and you will need to get a cheek implant from your bum skin. People will call you bum skin face.
Gemini: Tap dancing with ugg boots just ain’t cool, atleast not tonight. Add some bottle caps to your boots for next weekend and give it a shot.
Cancer: Carry a tide-to-go in your hand bag tonight. YOu will spill gravy on yourself or get pooped on by a very large animal… possibly a panda or a liger with panda tendencies.
Virgo: change your status on facebook to “Im a poo head”. do it. seriously, or you will have bad luck for 30 minutes. and boy, what a loooooong 30 minutes that will be. you’ll be sorry
Sagittarius: you’re not very good at many things. we both know this. so give up the charade! you will never be a successful keyboardist.
Capricorn: fun fact – brillo pads are great exfoliators! use them daily in the shower instead of your wimpy lufa. what are you? a girl?
Aquarius: buy 4 large wheels of cheese tonight and construct a vehicle. challenge someone to a race. when they accept, say “dont be ridiculous, you expect me to race you in this thing? idiot”. And then flip him the finger and drive away in your cheese car.
Pisces: Be more excited about life! Walmart called. They actually called me to tell you that they want their lack of enthusiasm and poor hygiene back.
Ophiuchus: throw yourself into a pile of snow today infront of a large crowd, flail your arms around and yell “the water is soooo nice!”. then encourage the local children to play marco polo with you.