Aries:  Tag someone in a facebook picture today that is not in fact said person.  It will start a friendly banter and you will become the talk of the social media town.

Libra: Are you going out tonight?  If you are, please remember these three things. 1-lice can be airborne and toxic.  2-french people are not nice in any way and they do not like to be called frogs.  3. French people carry knives.

Taurus: You think you’re a taurus don’t you.  That’s because you are stubborn, you are probably a gemini.  Check yourself before you wreck yourself.

Scorpio:  Do not, i repeat, DO NOT play “fuzzy bunny” with candy corn tonight.  The sharp triangular edge of the candy will pierce your cheeks and you will need to get a cheek implant from your bum skin.  People will call you bum skin face.

Gemini: Tap dancing with ugg boots just ain’t cool, atleast not tonight.  Add some bottle caps to your boots for next weekend and give it a shot.

Cancer:  Carry a tide-to-go in your hand bag tonight.  YOu will spill gravy on yourself or get pooped on by a very large animal… possibly a panda or a liger with panda tendencies.

Leo:  You should start your own bookclub tonight.  It will become really really big that or you will become really really big.  Start counting your calories and exercising just incase.

Virgo: change your status on facebook to “Im a poo head”. do it. seriously, or you will have bad luck for 30 minutes. and boy, what a loooooong 30 minutes that will be. you’ll be sorry

Sagittarius: you’re not very good at many things. we both know this. so give up the charade! you will never be a successful keyboardist.

Capricorn: fun fact – brillo pads are great exfoliators! use them daily in the shower instead of your wimpy lufa. what are you? a girl?

Aquarius: buy 4 large wheels of cheese tonight and construct a vehicle. challenge someone to a race. when they accept, say “dont be ridiculous, you expect me to race you in this thing? idiot”. And then flip him the finger and drive away in your cheese car.

Pisces: Be more excited about life! Walmart called. They actually called me to tell you that they want their lack of enthusiasm and poor hygiene back.

Ophiuchus: throw yourself into a pile of snow today infront of a large crowd, flail your arms around  and yell “the water is soooo nice!”. then encourage the local children to play marco polo with you.