Posts Tagged ‘virgo’
These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school. Although they can be applied to anyone. Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden. Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.
Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist. Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies. Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.
Libra: Don’t like your teacher? Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out! No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher. Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.
Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.
Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home. You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band. Both equally as cool school statuses.
Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab. You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo. This reading isn’t coming in to clear.
Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech? Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language. Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.
Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria? Think twice about it. It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken. That chicken is rubber fool.
Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed. Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.
Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!). Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?
Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…
Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.
Aquarius: So you fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.
Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!
Ophiuchus: You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.
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Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!
Libra: Stop! You think you look good in white! You really, really don’t! It makes you look like one giant milk mustache. It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!
Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today? You should be! Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you. May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5? I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model. Thanks! Can you also make it so it can read my mind?
Scorpio: OH SNAP! That’s right, you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going! The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell. It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today. Check your local weather station for more information.
Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini? Or should I say Gem – In – Eye. That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them! Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes, it will double in size.
Cancer: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer? Or should I say Can – Sir! That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention. Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods. So leave everyone alone. We donated our cans to the less fortunate.
Leo: Hot diggity dog! That’s what you should be saying this weekend. That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.
Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend? You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation! Might as well start now. Here’s a some great tips.
Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style? Me too! It’s up to you though Sagittarius, saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles. Everyone will be watching you. The time to wear overalls is now.
Capricorn: Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin? So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big? Ya, me too. Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you. You are a dreamer.
Aquarius: Alert! Alert! We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys. They are one for only 3.99/lb. Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house. He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!
Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously. They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler. Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.
Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store? Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus. That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine. A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are. Fact.
Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits. You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend. Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then. You’re aquarius friend is not a female? Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child. Don’t have a child yet? That’s just what he’s made you believe.
Libra: YOu need to do some serious soul searching today. You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found. Perhaps look here. Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans. You are so screwed.
Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today. If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today. Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop. Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.
Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot.
Gemini: Don’t take any chances today! Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today. May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.
Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.
Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.
Virgo: Today you should try and start a social media trend. Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’ When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric. You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”. See how many people hop on with this trend.
Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.
Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.
Aquarius: You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet. If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.
Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.
Ophiuchus: You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust. You are a disgrace Ophiuchus. The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.
Okay people. Big news. This is our 300th post. Can you believe it? We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light round-house kick. We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light. He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything. Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog. Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.
Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you. We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300! Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.
Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011. In the future you will know what this means. Can’t wait? We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient. It says: Stop painting with oils. You are really bad at it. (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)
Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body! You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it. Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra. We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact. Spit that chicken out fool!
Taurus: You will have to take care of a sick friend today. He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.
Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.
Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.
Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.
Leo: You need to get some exercise. Go for a swog. You know a swim jog. Yes you can jog on water in the future. It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.
Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.
Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.
Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch. Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.
Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!
Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.
Ophiuchus: You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself. Look down. Do you have a bellybutton? Didn’t think so. Proof..you don’t exist.
Aries: Peanut butter should not be used as a moisturizer Aries. Seriously you are already nutty as is.
Libra: Do not share underwear with Gemini today. You will get crabs and nobody will love you ever.
Taurus: Try a new recipe today! May we suggest this one.
Scorpio: Stop trying to see your own farts. Seriously…they are invisible and if you look hard enough you are guaranteed to get pink eye.
Gemini: Do not lend your underwear to Libra today. Also consult your physician you may (99.4% probability) have crabs.
Cancer: When your boss asks you to do something lickety split don’t lick his/her face and then do the splits. This is grounds for immediate dismissal, unless you are training to be a Olympic gymnast and your trainer tastes like ice cream…in that case it’s fair game.
Leo: You need to become a plumber. An elderly women is in distress and needs your help! Only you have the magic plunger.
Virgo: Selena Gomez is pregnant with Justin Beiber’s baby. Tell every one you know! People will start to worship you and come to you for juicy gossip more than Perez Hilton and TMZ.
Sagittarius: Cinnamon heart overdoses are not a joke. Take them seriously and stay away from the bulk barn. Also, cocaine can be harmful too.
Capricorn: Seize the day! Seize it with some suspenders. You can be much more efficient and spontaneous knowing that your pants will not fall down, no matter what you do!
Aquarius: You are so good looking today and everyday. Aquarius keep being you. Everyone loves you and you are really good at writing blogs. You smell great too. Also nice hair!
Pisces: Time to get serious! Serious about teaching your children to hack into government computers. If you don’t have children, start babysitting. The government has valuable information that you must know.
Ophiuchus:Do not visit northern Alberta prison cells today. You will lose your mind. Literally decapitated.
Aries: Sit outside of your local Tim Hortons today and sing/scream “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boys 2 Men. Time how long it takes for you to get arrested. To speed up the process remove your pants.
Libra: Think honey is a good moisturizer because it looks so moist? It’s sticky fool, if you use it you will be sticky too.
Taurus: You should take the day off tomorrow. To prepare start to cough now and ask, “is it hot in here?” or walk into the wall and say, “Woah I didn’t see that there.”
Scorpio: Go to a restaurant with all-you-can-eat crab legs. Stuff gigantic purse with crab legs. Immediately or 3 weeks later sell crab legs on e-bay for 4 times the cost of buffet.
Gemini: Thinking of making your own wine? Don’t. You will suck at making wine and everyone who drinks it will laugh at you and cry and vomit and possibly die.
Cancer: You are sleeping right now. You think you are reading this but it’s all a dream. Pinch someone to test this theory.
Leo: Today you are a poet. You didn’t know it, but you do now because you read this. Write a poem now, send it to us and get your first poem published. It will be great. Unless it’s not. I’m having trouble telling if you are going to be a really good poet today or a really really really bad one. I blame the shifting of the universe on this poor reading.
Virgo: Your aura is looking a little brown today. Listen to barbara streisand’s greatest hits collection on repeat for 3 hours to turn it red and a little bit gay.
Sagittarius: Stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lumber jack. If you are a lumber jack…you really need to get a new job. for real. its 2011.
Capricorn: Try something adventurous today. like building a 3D puzzle or budding in line at starbucks, or pooping in a public garbage can
Aquarius: I sense something large preventing you from being liked. This may be a tall hat or your massive ego.
Pisces: Time to get crazy today. Call an ex-lover and ask them to pick up a carton of milk on their way home. when they ask what the hell is going on, threaten to boil their rabbit.
Ophiuchus: Dont listen to what everyone else says, you ARE a great singer. get on stage, belt it out (and send us the video when you do)
Aries: Tag someone in a facebook picture today that is not in fact said person. It will start a friendly banter and you will become the talk of the social media town.
Libra: Are you going out tonight? If you are, please remember these three things. 1-lice can be airborne and toxic. 2-french people are not nice in any way and they do not like to be called frogs. 3. French people carry knives.
Taurus: You think you’re a taurus don’t you. That’s because you are stubborn, you are probably a gemini. Check yourself before you wreck yourself.
Scorpio: Do not, i repeat, DO NOT play “fuzzy bunny” with candy corn tonight. The sharp triangular edge of the candy will pierce your cheeks and you will need to get a cheek implant from your bum skin. People will call you bum skin face.
Gemini: Tap dancing with ugg boots just ain’t cool, atleast not tonight. Add some bottle caps to your boots for next weekend and give it a shot.
Cancer: Carry a tide-to-go in your hand bag tonight. YOu will spill gravy on yourself or get pooped on by a very large animal… possibly a panda or a liger with panda tendencies.
Leo: You should start your own bookclub tonight. It will become really really big that or you will become really really big. Start counting your calories and exercising just incase.
Virgo: change your status on facebook to “Im a poo head”. do it. seriously, or you will have bad luck for 30 minutes. and boy, what a loooooong 30 minutes that will be. you’ll be sorry
Sagittarius: you’re not very good at many things. we both know this. so give up the charade! you will never be a successful keyboardist.
Capricorn: fun fact – brillo pads are great exfoliators! use them daily in the shower instead of your wimpy lufa. what are you? a girl?
Aquarius: buy 4 large wheels of cheese tonight and construct a vehicle. challenge someone to a race. when they accept, say “dont be ridiculous, you expect me to race you in this thing? idiot”. And then flip him the finger and drive away in your cheese car.
Pisces: Be more excited about life! Walmart called. They actually called me to tell you that they want their lack of enthusiasm and poor hygiene back.
Ophiuchus: throw yourself into a pile of snow today infront of a large crowd, flail your arms around and yell “the water is soooo nice!”. then encourage the local children to play marco polo with you.
