Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits.  You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend.  Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then.  You’re aquarius friend is not a female?  Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child.  Don’t have a child yet?  That’s just what he’s made you believe.

Libra:  YOu need to do some serious soul searching today.  You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found.  Perhaps look here.  Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans.  You are so screwed.

Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today.  If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today.  Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop.  Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.

Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot. 

Gemini: Don’t take any chances today!  Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today.  May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.

Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.

Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.

Virgo:  Today you should try and start a social media trend.  Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’  When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric.  You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”.  See how many people hop on with this trend.

Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.

Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.

Aquarius:  You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet.  If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.

Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.

Ophiuchus:  You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust.  You are a disgrace Ophiuchus.  The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.