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Posts Tagged ‘Selena Gomez


These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school.  Although they can be applied to anyone.  Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden.  Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.

Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist.  Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies.  Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.

Libra:  Don’t like your teacher?  Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out!  No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher.  Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.

Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.

Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home.  You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band.  Both equally as cool school statuses.

Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab.  You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo.  This reading isn’t coming in to clear.

Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech?  Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language.  Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.

Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria?  Think twice about it.  It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken.  That chicken is rubber fool.

Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed.  Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.

Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!).  Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?

Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…

Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.

Aquarius: So you  fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.

Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!

Ophiuchus:  You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.


Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits.  You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend.  Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then.  You’re aquarius friend is not a female?  Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child.  Don’t have a child yet?  That’s just what he’s made you believe.

Libra:  YOu need to do some serious soul searching today.  You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found.  Perhaps look here.  Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans.  You are so screwed.

Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today.  If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today.  Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop.  Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.

Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot. 

Gemini: Don’t take any chances today!  Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today.  May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.

Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.

Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.

Virgo:  Today you should try and start a social media trend.  Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’  When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric.  You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”.  See how many people hop on with this trend.

Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.

Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.

Aquarius:  You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet.  If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.

Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.

Ophiuchus:  You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust.  You are a disgrace Ophiuchus.  The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.


  Recently Justin Bieber has been in the news for allegedly  getting a littly fisty with a paparazzi.  We immediately called Justin to see what the scoop was. He told us via Skype that the press has got it all wrong.  They said he was leaving the movie theater with girlfriend Selena Gomez.  Dead wrong. Justin tells us he was actually just at the gym where he works out and he was with his trainer and mentor, Dana White..who just happened to be wearing a long brown wig and dress,  similar to Gomez’ style.  Justin tells us that he has been secretively training to become a UFC fighter.  We didn’t believe it at first so we contacted his agent who put us in touch with Dana White.  We talked to Dana via telephone.  He told us that Justin is one of the most promising young fighters he’s ever seen.  He believes that even though he’s only had 3 weeks of training he will be able to beat any fighter that gets sent his way and that he will be added to the next UFC lineup.  Dana says he believes he is so talented at fighting because he has had to fight off all d’em pre teen bitches for the last few years.

In conclusion, Justin didn’t punch a paparazzi.  He actually punched his sprawl partner. Who  cried like a little baby and decided to make up an elaborate story and sue Justin for a his donero.

Don’t believe us?  LOok at the picture. Clearly a UFC publicity photo.


Aries: Wednesday! what a day! It reminds me of most Aries, in the middle and kind of forgettable. Wow that was an offensive one! We’re sorry, but we can’t sugar-coat our visions. Take it like a man.

Libra: Adopting a chimp is NOT a good idea, no matter how many times you’ve seen Monkey Trouble. What ever happened to that actress anyways? [pause for google search] Not a whole a lot apparently. Last movie she was in was Pregnancy Pact, a made-for-TV movie about teen girls who decide to get pregnant at the same time…so owning a chimp = career suicide! Dont be stupid Libra.

Taurus: Be the change you wish to see in the world. And if the world was a glass of water from your fridge it would be a really dirty place – It’s time to change your brita filter Taurus. Seriously, its been 2 years. Thats really uncalled for.

Scorpio: We know you had a really weird dream last night. We won’t tell anyone, just take comfort in knowing that dreaming of David Copperfield vacuuming your basement in a 2-piece is totally normal. It just means you need to budget more wisely.

Gemini: Did you know that the word “Gemini” is derived from a popular dish in Germany called “German Fry”? A classic dish consisting of one cucumber-sized fry, covered in Rotwurst and Flönz oder Blunzen? mmmmm. Stay away from small appliances today.

Cancer: Time for a change of scene. Take a trip! Venus is in your convexular, which means this is a good or bad idea…best to stay put then.

Leo: Pick a card. did you pick one? now close your eyes. BAM! its the Seven of spades! wow. could we BE any more psychic?

Virgo: Thinking about what to get your loved ones this year for christmas?  Have no fear, subscribe them to our blog! It’s free and they will never go hungry again (if they follow our horoscopes everyday, we will ensure that they eat everyday)

Sagittarius:  Park your car in a traffic calming zone today.  Take a break, get a massage, take a nap.  This is an zone for calming after watching the movie Traffic. We know you watched it last night, Sagittarius, because we know everything. ©2011

Capricorn: Try something different today, may we suggest Soy peanut butter?  It’s a nice alternative and his has no nut products in it.  Bam! Nut free-for-life.

Aquarius:  Your sense of smell is heightened today.  It’s because the moon has passed over your left nostril.  Avoid the meat section at the grocery store, unless you want to bloody cows.

Pisces:  Protect yourself from gypsies today. On the gypsy calender, today is attack a Pisces today.  Don’t trust anyone, even Jasmine from Disney’s Aladdin.

Ophiuchus:  Most people say: don’t steal candy from a baby.  We say  don’t steal candy from a pornstar, you don’t know where that sh*t has been.  Oy!


As you all know, Justin Bieber and Selena Gomez have been dating for a very long time (9 1/2 months and 13 hours and 27 minutes to be exact). Last month Justin spotted Selena canoodling with her Monte Carlo costar Cory Monteith (the dude from Glee). Well didn’t Bieber get into quite the fever..he began questioning Selena’s loyalty to him, he cried, she cried, it was a mess! Anyways, the next morning (sources say) Selena took off. She returned later that evening distraught, intoxicated and sporting new body art. A full arm sleeve tattoo of her true love, Justin Bieber. She has since told sources that it was a gesture to prove her commitment to the baby-faced buck, Bieber.

Selena Gomez gets Justin Bieber Tattoo

Selena Gomez gets Justin Bieber Tattoo


Aries:  Peanut butter should not be used as a moisturizer Aries.  Seriously you are already nutty as is.

Libra:  Do not share underwear with Gemini today.  You will get crabs and nobody will love you ever.

Taurus: Try a new recipe today!  May we suggest this one.

Scorpio: Stop trying to see your own farts. Seriously…they are invisible and if you look hard enough you are guaranteed to get pink eye.

Gemini: Do not lend your underwear to Libra today. Also consult your physician you may (99.4% probability) have crabs.

Cancer: When your boss asks you to do something lickety split don’t lick his/her face and then do the splits. This is grounds for immediate dismissal, unless you are training to be a Olympic gymnast and your trainer tastes like ice cream…in that case it’s fair game.

Leo: You need to become a plumber. An elderly women is in distress and needs your help! Only you have the magic plunger.

Virgo: Selena Gomez is pregnant with Justin Beiber’s baby. Tell every one you know! People will start to worship you and come to you for juicy gossip more than Perez Hilton and TMZ.

Sagittarius: Cinnamon heart overdoses are not a joke. Take them seriously and stay away from the bulk barn. Also, cocaine can be harmful too.

Capricorn: Seize the day! Seize it with some suspenders. You can be much more efficient and spontaneous knowing that your pants will not fall down, no matter what you do!

Aquarius: You are so good looking today and everyday. Aquarius keep being you. Everyone loves you and you are really good at writing blogs. You smell great too. Also nice hair!

Pisces: Time to get serious! Serious about teaching your children to hack into government computers. If you don’t have children, start babysitting. The government has valuable information that you must know.

Ophiuchus:Do not visit northern Alberta prison cells today. You will lose your mind. Literally decapitated.


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