Aries: Peanut butter should not be used as a moisturizer Aries. Seriously you are already nutty as is.
Libra: Do not share underwear with Gemini today. You will get crabs and nobody will love you ever.
Taurus: Try a new recipe today! May we suggest this one.
Scorpio: Stop trying to see your own farts. Seriously…they are invisible and if you look hard enough you are guaranteed to get pink eye.
Gemini: Do not lend your underwear to Libra today. Also consult your physician you may (99.4% probability) have crabs.
Cancer: When your boss asks you to do something lickety split don’t lick his/her face and then do the splits. This is grounds for immediate dismissal, unless you are training to be a Olympic gymnast and your trainer tastes like ice cream…in that case it’s fair game.
Leo: You need to become a plumber. An elderly women is in distress and needs your help! Only you have the magic plunger.
Virgo: Selena Gomez is pregnant with Justin Beiber’s baby. Tell every one you know! People will start to worship you and come to you for juicy gossip more than Perez Hilton and TMZ.
Sagittarius: Cinnamon heart overdoses are not a joke. Take them seriously and stay away from the bulk barn. Also, cocaine can be harmful too.
Capricorn: Seize the day! Seize it with some suspenders. You can be much more efficient and spontaneous knowing that your pants will not fall down, no matter what you do!
Aquarius: You are so good looking today and everyday. Aquarius keep being you. Everyone loves you and you are really good at writing blogs. You smell great too. Also nice hair!
Pisces: Time to get serious! Serious about teaching your children to hack into government computers. If you don’t have children, start babysitting. The government has valuable information that you must know.
Ophiuchus:Do not visit northern Alberta prison cells today. You will lose your mind. Literally decapitated.