Design Chick's Blogaboo!

Posts Tagged ‘Gemini


These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school.  Although they can be applied to anyone.  Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden.  Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.

Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist.  Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies.  Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.

Libra:  Don’t like your teacher?  Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out!  No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher.  Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.

Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.

Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home.  You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band.  Both equally as cool school statuses.

Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab.  You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo.  This reading isn’t coming in to clear.

Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech?  Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language.  Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.

Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria?  Think twice about it.  It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken.  That chicken is rubber fool.

Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed.  Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.

Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!).  Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?

Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…

Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.

Aquarius: So you  fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.

Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!

Ophiuchus:  You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.


Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!

Libra: Stop!  You think you look good in white!  You really, really don’t!  It makes you look like one giant milk mustache.  It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!

Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today?  You should be!  Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you.  May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5?  I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model.  Thanks!  Can you also make it so it can read my mind?

Scorpio: OH SNAP!  That’s right,  you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going!  The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell.  It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today.  Check your local weather station for more information.

Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini?  Or should I say Gem – In – Eye.  That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them!  Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes,  it will double in size.

Cancer:  Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer?  Or should I say Can – Sir!  That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention.  Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods.  So leave everyone alone.  We donated our cans to the less fortunate.

Leo: Hot diggity dog!  That’s what you should be saying this weekend.  That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.

Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend?  You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation!  Might as well start now.  Here’s a some great tips.

Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style?  Me too!  It’s up to you though Sagittarius,  saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles.  Everyone will be watching you.  The time to wear overalls is now.

Capricorn:  Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin?  So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big?  Ya, me too.  Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you.  You are a dreamer.

Aquarius: Alert! Alert!  We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys.  They are one for only 3.99/lb.  Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house.  He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!

Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously.  They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler.  Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.

Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store?  Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus.  That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine.  A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are.  Fact.


Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits.  You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend.  Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then.  You’re aquarius friend is not a female?  Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child.  Don’t have a child yet?  That’s just what he’s made you believe.

Libra:  YOu need to do some serious soul searching today.  You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found.  Perhaps look here.  Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans.  You are so screwed.

Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today.  If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today.  Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop.  Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.

Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot. 

Gemini: Don’t take any chances today!  Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today.  May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.

Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.

Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.

Virgo:  Today you should try and start a social media trend.  Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’  When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric.  You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”.  See how many people hop on with this trend.

Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.

Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.

Aquarius:  You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet.  If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.

Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.

Ophiuchus:  You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust.  You are a disgrace Ophiuchus.  The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.


Aries:  Peanut butter should not be used as a moisturizer Aries.  Seriously you are already nutty as is.

Libra:  Do not share underwear with Gemini today.  You will get crabs and nobody will love you ever.

Taurus: Try a new recipe today!  May we suggest this one.

Scorpio: Stop trying to see your own farts. Seriously…they are invisible and if you look hard enough you are guaranteed to get pink eye.

Gemini: Do not lend your underwear to Libra today. Also consult your physician you may (99.4% probability) have crabs.

Cancer: When your boss asks you to do something lickety split don’t lick his/her face and then do the splits. This is grounds for immediate dismissal, unless you are training to be a Olympic gymnast and your trainer tastes like ice cream…in that case it’s fair game.

Leo: You need to become a plumber. An elderly women is in distress and needs your help! Only you have the magic plunger.

Virgo: Selena Gomez is pregnant with Justin Beiber’s baby. Tell every one you know! People will start to worship you and come to you for juicy gossip more than Perez Hilton and TMZ.

Sagittarius: Cinnamon heart overdoses are not a joke. Take them seriously and stay away from the bulk barn. Also, cocaine can be harmful too.

Capricorn: Seize the day! Seize it with some suspenders. You can be much more efficient and spontaneous knowing that your pants will not fall down, no matter what you do!

Aquarius: You are so good looking today and everyday. Aquarius keep being you. Everyone loves you and you are really good at writing blogs. You smell great too. Also nice hair!

Pisces: Time to get serious! Serious about teaching your children to hack into government computers. If you don’t have children, start babysitting. The government has valuable information that you must know.

Ophiuchus:Do not visit northern Alberta prison cells today. You will lose your mind. Literally decapitated.


Aries:  Think your coffee or tea tastes funny today it is most likely because there is an excessive amount of urine and or spit in it.

Libra: Do you know someone named Greg?  If so, call him today he wants to talk to you and he has misplaced your phone number.

Taurus: Do not touch any walls today. Walls are more fragile for Taurus’ during the weekend.  They are more likely to collapse and or get dirty from your disgusting taurus hands.

Scorpio:  Your one task this weekend should be to buy Rita MacNeil tickets.  If you fail in doing so you should at least watch this.

Gemini: If you choose to eat any uncooked meat this weekend make sure it is not anything that starts with a t,c,x,f or p. If you eat any of these meats you will get sick and or die.

Cancer: Don’t be fooled by the Taurus next door, he/she just wants steal your canned tuna.

Leo: Hey leo, you probably celebrated a birthday recently or are celebrating one this weekend. Expect lots of attention and gifts. so no different than any other day. Leos are awesome. Laura is a leo, and she’s probably the best person ever. please send her birthday greetings and lots of gifts.

Virgo: You will be rejected three times by a man behind a desk. the fourth time he will welcome you with open arms and a shwarma combo.

Sagittarius: You’ll feel jealousy towards leos this weekend. its not their fault that they are popular. stop being a cry baby.

Capricorn: try to multitask this weekend. make dinner while bathing, or lift weights while sitting on the toilet. your productivity levels will be up up up! (and your bowel movements will be all systems go!)

Aquarius: big things will happen for you this weekend. and I mean BIG. I mean lots of money. you should probably quit your job today cause you wont need to work anymore.

Pisces: do a science project this weekend so that you feel like your life has meaning.


Aries: did you know that thursdays are international “give a hooker a sandwich” day? So give that special hooker down your street a PB & J or a ham and swiss on whole wheat and she may give you something in return! A free movie coupon, obviously.

Libra: your chi-light is pretty low these days. cleaning out your fridge with mr. clean should fix this problem right up.

Taurus: life is pretty dull for you right now. add some auto-tune to your daily routine and reap the benefits of booty shakin’ rhythm and thousands of hits on youtube

Scorpio: summer is almost over and you STILL haven’t set up a lemonade stand?!! get on that girl.

Gemini: saying yes to a thumb war today is the right decision

Cancer: frodo once said, “I wish the ring had never come to me”. well, some unwanted things may come into your life that you must rise above. and if you’re a little person like frodo, you may need a step stool to do this.

Leo: You will feel like you are being followed today.  It’s just your shadow…and your neighbour Jim.  Didn’t know you had a neighbour Jim?  Turn around and introduce yourself!

Virgo: Mate your kitten with a tiger today.  You will get a hybrid kitten called a titten.

Sagittarius: Are you sad today?  Watch this video and you will be happy.

Capricorn: Half of your body wants corn today. The other half will reject the corn if you eat it. Make your decision wisely.

Aquarius: You will have a spectacular day if you are wearing a yellow shirt or if you have recently moved offices. You will also get an unexpected phone call today.

Pisces: Feel like being anti-social tonight? Have the perfect night in! Rent Harry and the Hendersons and watch it in the nude!


Aries: Today is Country Friday. which means that it is imperative you wear tight jeans, eat fried chicken and listen to this song.

Libra: Learn how to snowboard this weekend. no snow? I know. which is why it will be super challenging.

Taurus: skipping rope isn’t just for girls. impress your friends, and the neighborhood kids with your double dutch and Down in the valley moves. say “in your face!” when you’re done.

Scorpio: Having a lot of problems lately? stop cooking with cheese.

Gemini: Start buying shirts that are too small for you. It will make you look more muscular

Cancer: Leonardo DiCaprio dies at the end of inception

Leo: Eating paper this weekend will only mask your problems.  Try eating cardboard.

Virgo: If you want to meet Bob Dylan,  try walking 3 blocks to the north and sing this song He’s a big fan of the Moffats (as are we).

Sagittarius: Stop what you are doing right now. Wait ten seconds and start again. We’ve just saved you from having a mini

Capricorn: Cheerios for dinner tonight!

Aquarius: Baking beans for you significant other will help with any problem in your relationship (this weekend only)

Pisces: Go fishing? Hate fishing? Knit a sweater.


What's your email? Give it to us. You won't be disappointed.

Join 44 other followers

Categories