Aries:  Think your coffee or tea tastes funny today it is most likely because there is an excessive amount of urine and or spit in it.

Libra: Do you know someone named Greg?  If so, call him today he wants to talk to you and he has misplaced your phone number.

Taurus: Do not touch any walls today. Walls are more fragile for Taurus’ during the weekend.  They are more likely to collapse and or get dirty from your disgusting taurus hands.

Scorpio:  Your one task this weekend should be to buy Rita MacNeil tickets.  If you fail in doing so you should at least watch this.

Gemini: If you choose to eat any uncooked meat this weekend make sure it is not anything that starts with a t,c,x,f or p. If you eat any of these meats you will get sick and or die.

Cancer: Don’t be fooled by the Taurus next door, he/she just wants steal your canned tuna.

Leo: Hey leo, you probably celebrated a birthday recently or are celebrating one this weekend. Expect lots of attention and gifts. so no different than any other day. Leos are awesome. Laura is a leo, and she’s probably the best person ever. please send her birthday greetings and lots of gifts.

Virgo: You will be rejected three times by a man behind a desk. the fourth time he will welcome you with open arms and a shwarma combo.

Sagittarius: You’ll feel jealousy towards leos this weekend. its not their fault that they are popular. stop being a cry baby.

Capricorn: try to multitask this weekend. make dinner while bathing, or lift weights while sitting on the toilet. your productivity levels will be up up up! (and your bowel movements will be all systems go!)

Aquarius: big things will happen for you this weekend. and I mean BIG. I mean lots of money. you should probably quit your job today cause you wont need to work anymore.

Pisces: do a science project this weekend so that you feel like your life has meaning.