Archive for the ‘horoscope’ Category
LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!!! Or carbon monoxide…we aren’t too sure. Both tend to cause dizziness, weakness, nausea, vomiting, chest pain, and confusion. We think it’s love though, and we are psychic so believe us and not your carbon monoxide reader. *
Clearly if you read these horoscopes and take them SERIOUSLY you will be very lucky in love. If not, you are screwed and you might as well start collecting cats now. Unless cats are who you’d like to be romantically involved with….then start collecting rats.
Aries: Go to the mall. Sit on the 3rd bench you see. Now watch people walk by. The 42nd person (male or female) that walks by is the one you will marry. Shoot, maybe 43rd. We promise. If it doesn’t work out maybe it was 41st.
Libra: Ever tried online dating Libra? Well don’t!!! It doesn’t EVER work for Libra’s. It’s actually written in the fine print of all creditable dating sites. Try going to the bar or supermarket, that tends to work more in your favor. Here’s a tasty hint – women like men who like broccoli and men like women who like bacon. It’s SCIENCE!
Taurus: Nobody loves you more than you love yourself. Give yourself a hug, buy yourself some roses. Stop whining.
Scorpio: Ever feel like you just don’t belong? That’s because you’ve got your days mixed up. You are wearing your Thursday underwear on Friday silly. Switch ’em up and you feel much better. Also you will meet the man/woman of your dreams. They just didn’t want to approach you before because they thought you were wearing dirty knickers.
Gemini: Call your ex. You made a big mistake. You forgot he/she still has a gift certificate to Red Lobster! You can’t just let that go.
Cancer: Remember the popular TV show Family Matters? Well, you know that really dorky guy or girl at the supermarket you frequent? He/She is actually just like Steve Urkel and can turn into a suave guy/girl named Stephan. Go and meet Stephan, you won’t regret it.
Leo: Garth Brooks wants you to have his sweaty hat. He is waiting for you to grab it. Only you will know the directions to his whereabouts. Use the compass of your heart to guide you.
Virgo: Get your oil changed today. And we don’t mean your car oil, you dirty animal. Seriously there is an expiry on your flax seed oil. It expired last June.
Sagittarius: Turn that frown upside down! We should call you Sadittarius. Get it? Get it? It’s because you are sad. Seriously though, SAD is a real thing, it’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder. Basically you are sad because the weather is so crappy. Trust us, we get it. Book a trip to Cabo. You will fall in love with the sunshine and never return home. We will miss you Sagittarius, but your happiness is important to us.
Capricorn: Ever think of opening up a candy corn factory? Of course you have, it’s in your gene’s! Ye be warned though, only Aquarius’s and Scorpions like candy corn. It’s kind of a niche market. Don’t worry your soul mate is an Aquarius, so you are good. So if you are planning to give poisonous candy corn away, save it for the Scorpions.
Aquarius: Haven’t found “the one” yet? Fix your stupid hair, are you seriously trying to attract stray birds to that nest? Yuck! Also if it’s your birthday today…Happy birthday! You look beautiful!
Pisces: Go to the supermarket and just linger around the bacon and/or broccoli . Your soulmate (a Libra) is coming for you.
Ophiuchus: It’s 2014! By now you should probably realize you don’t exist AND nobody will ever love you.
*If your carbon monoxide alarm is going off, leave the house. We are not responsible for you being stupid. There is carbon monoxide in your house and you will die. Stop being so dumb. Also you will fall in love with a firefighter.
These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school. Although they can be applied to anyone. Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden. Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.
Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist. Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies. Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.
Libra: Don’t like your teacher? Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out! No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher. Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.
Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home. You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band. Both equally as cool school statuses.
Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab. You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo. This reading isn’t coming in to clear.
Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech? Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language. Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.
Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria? Think twice about it. It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken. That chicken is rubber fool.
Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed. Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.
Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!). Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?
Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…
Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.
Aquarius: So you fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.
Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!
Ophiuchus: You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.
Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!
Libra: Stop! You think you look good in white! You really, really don’t! It makes you look like one giant milk mustache. It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!
Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today? You should be! Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you. May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5? I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model. Thanks! Can you also make it so it can read my mind?
Scorpio: OH SNAP! That’s right, you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going! The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell. It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today. Check your local weather station for more information.
Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini? Or should I say Gem – In – Eye. That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them! Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes, it will double in size.
Cancer: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer? Or should I say Can – Sir! That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention. Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods. So leave everyone alone. We donated our cans to the less fortunate.
Leo: Hot diggity dog! That’s what you should be saying this weekend. That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.
Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend? You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation! Might as well start now. Here’s a some great tips.
Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style? Me too! It’s up to you though Sagittarius, saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles. Everyone will be watching you. The time to wear overalls is now.
Capricorn: Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin? So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big? Ya, me too. Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you. You are a dreamer.
Aquarius: Alert! Alert! We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys. They are one for only 3.99/lb. Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house. He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!
Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously. They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler. Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.
Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store? Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus. That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine. A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are. Fact.
Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits. You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend. Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then. You’re aquarius friend is not a female? Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child. Don’t have a child yet? That’s just what he’s made you believe.
Libra: YOu need to do some serious soul searching today. You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found. Perhaps look here. Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans. You are so screwed.
Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today. If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today. Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop. Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.
Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot.
Gemini: Don’t take any chances today! Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today. May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.
Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.
Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.
Virgo: Today you should try and start a social media trend. Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’ When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric. You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”. See how many people hop on with this trend.
Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.
Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.
Aquarius: You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet. If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.
Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.
Ophiuchus: You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust. You are a disgrace Ophiuchus. The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.
Okay people. Big news. This is our 300th post. Can you believe it? We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light round-house kick. We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light. He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything. Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog. Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.
Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you. We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300! Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.
Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011. In the future you will know what this means. Can’t wait? We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient. It says: Stop painting with oils. You are really bad at it. (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)
Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body! You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it. Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra. We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact. Spit that chicken out fool!
Taurus: You will have to take care of a sick friend today. He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.
Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.
Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.
Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.
Leo: You need to get some exercise. Go for a swog. You know a swim jog. Yes you can jog on water in the future. It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.
Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.
Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.
Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch. Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.
Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!
Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.
Ophiuchus: You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself. Look down. Do you have a bellybutton? Didn’t think so. Proof..you don’t exist.
Aries: Wednesday! what a day! It reminds me of most Aries, in the middle and kind of forgettable. Wow that was an offensive one! We’re sorry, but we can’t sugar-coat our visions. Take it like a man.
Libra: Adopting a chimp is NOT a good idea, no matter how many times you’ve seen Monkey Trouble. What ever happened to that actress anyways? [pause for google search] Not a whole a lot apparently. Last movie she was in was Pregnancy Pact, a made-for-TV movie about teen girls who decide to get pregnant at the same time…so owning a chimp = career suicide! Dont be stupid Libra.
Taurus: Be the change you wish to see in the world. And if the world was a glass of water from your fridge it would be a really dirty place – It’s time to change your brita filter Taurus. Seriously, its been 2 years. Thats really uncalled for.
Scorpio: We know you had a really weird dream last night. We won’t tell anyone, just take comfort in knowing that dreaming of David Copperfield vacuuming your basement in a 2-piece is totally normal. It just means you need to budget more wisely.
Gemini: Did you know that the word “Gemini” is derived from a popular dish in Germany called “German Fry”? A classic dish consisting of one cucumber-sized fry, covered in Rotwurst and Flönz oder Blunzen? mmmmm. Stay away from small appliances today.
Cancer: Time for a change of scene. Take a trip! Venus is in your convexular, which means this is a good or bad idea…best to stay put then.
Leo: Pick a card. did you pick one? now close your eyes. BAM! its the Seven of spades! wow. could we BE any more psychic?
Virgo: Thinking about what to get your loved ones this year for christmas? Have no fear, subscribe them to our blog! It’s free and they will never go hungry again (if they follow our horoscopes everyday, we will ensure that they eat everyday)
Sagittarius: Park your car in a traffic calming zone today. Take a break, get a massage, take a nap. This is an zone for calming after watching the movie Traffic. We know you watched it last night, Sagittarius, because we know everything. ©2011
Capricorn: Try something different today, may we suggest Soy peanut butter? It’s a nice alternative and his has no nut products in it. Bam! Nut free-for-life.
Aquarius: Your sense of smell is heightened today. It’s because the moon has passed over your left nostril. Avoid the meat section at the grocery store, unless you want to bloody cows.
Pisces: Protect yourself from gypsies today. On the gypsy calender, today is attack a Pisces today. Don’t trust anyone, even Jasmine from Disney’s Aladdin.
Ophiuchus: Most people say: don’t steal candy from a baby. We say don’t steal candy from a pornstar, you don’t know where that sh*t has been. Oy!
Aries: The secret is out Aries, you have a fetish for clowns doing demolition derby. We get it. Don’t be ashamed.
Libra: Try your best to act like you believe George Lopez would today. For Libras today is WWGLD day. Cherish this day, it only comes around ever 17 years.
Taurus: Go out for lunch today you deserve it! Do not eat anything on the left side of the menu. You will get food poisoning and possibly die or poop your pants in public. I’m not sure if it’s my left side or yours…. hmm. Sorry this reading is a little foggy.
Scorpio: Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get. Except when you order a big mac. Apparently even if you order one in Japan they make it the same way. You should probably go there and test out this theory.
Gemini: UGh Gemini, stop complaining! You really grind our gears. Take a moment today to reflect on all the good things in life like mock turtle necks and this.
Cancer: I think it’s time to buy a new sofa. Remember when Uncle Murray pooped on your sofa? It’s still smells like Uncle Murrays poop. Check out Leon’s Ho Ho Hold the payments sale on right now!
Leo: It will snow on your car today. Do not panick, it’s just snow, not particles from your hair. If you are nervous about your horrendous dandruff, Head & Shoulders does work. Troy Poloumolou says so!
Virgo: Take a dance lesson tonight. Specifically Mime Jazz. Yes it exists. and its amazing.
Sagittarius: Pockets can say a lot about a person. For example, your pockets are rather big. This means you used to be a kangaroo in your previous life. Look inside your pockets…you will find a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner sample. Wash your hair with this to bring you good health.
Capricorn: Blossom Russo is your soulmate. Yes I know, awful news. But you must accept this and reach out to her. she’s waiting.
Aquarius: I think its time for you to start a diary ——- If you thought that was a good suggestion, then you are super lame. a diary? hahah what a loser.
Pisces: Pisces are very good at cards. You should try your luck at a casino tonight. If you lose all your money, then you are not a true pisces and your entire childhood was a lie. You should probably find your real parents.
Ophiuchus: Go crazy this weekend! buck wild! rent Cocktail .