Valentine LOVE Horoscopes!

LOVE IS IN THE AIR!!!! Or carbon monoxide…we aren’t too sure.  Both tend to cause dizziness, weakness, nausea, vomiting, chest pain, and confusion.  We think it’s love though, and we are psychic so believe us and not your carbon monoxide reader. *

Clearly if you read these horoscopes and take them SERIOUSLY you will be very lucky in love.  If not, you are screwed and you might as well start collecting cats now.  Unless cats are who you’d like to be romantically involved with….then start collecting rats.

Aries: Go to the mall.  Sit on the 3rd bench you see.  Now watch people walk by.  The 42nd person (male or female) that walks by is the one you will marry.  Shoot, maybe 43rd.   We promise. If it doesn’t work out maybe it was 41st.

Libra: Ever tried online dating Libra?  Well don’t!!! It doesn’t EVER work for Libra’s.  It’s actually written in the fine print of all creditable dating sites.  Try going to the bar or supermarket, that tends to work more in your favor. Here’s a tasty hint – women like men who like broccoli and men like women who like bacon.  It’s SCIENCE!

Taurus: Nobody loves you more than you love yourself.  Give yourself a hug, buy yourself some roses. Stop whining.

Scorpio: Ever feel like you just don’t belong?  That’s because you’ve got your days mixed up.  You are wearing your Thursday underwear on Friday silly.  Switch ’em up and you feel much better.  Also you will meet the man/woman of your dreams.  They just didn’t want to approach you before because they thought you were wearing dirty knickers.

Gemini: Call your ex.  You made a big mistake.  You forgot he/she still has a gift certificate to Red Lobster!  You can’t just let that go.

Cancer: Remember the popular TV show Family Matters?  Well, you know that really dorky guy or girl at the supermarket you frequent?  He/She is actually just like Steve Urkel and can turn into a suave guy/girl named Stephan. Go and meet Stephan, you won’t regret it.

Leo: Garth Brooks wants you to have his sweaty hat. He is waiting for you to grab it.  Only you will know the directions to his whereabouts.  Use the compass of your heart to guide you.

Virgo: Get your oil changed today. And we don’t mean your car oil, you dirty animal.  Seriously there is an expiry on your flax seed oil.  It expired last June.

Sagittarius: Turn that frown upside down!  We should call you Sadittarius.  Get it?  Get it?  It’s because you are sad.  Seriously though, SAD is a real thing, it’s called Seasonal Affective Disorder.  Basically you are sad because the weather is so crappy.  Trust us, we get it.  Book a trip to Cabo.  You will fall in love with the sunshine and never return home.  We will miss you Sagittarius, but your happiness is important to us.

Capricorn: Ever think of opening up a candy corn factory? Of course you have, it’s in your gene’s! Ye be warned though, only Aquarius’s and Scorpions like candy corn. It’s kind of a niche market. Don’t worry your soul mate is an Aquarius, so you are good.  So if you are planning to give poisonous candy corn away, save it for the Scorpions.

Aquarius: Haven’t found “the one” yet?  Fix your stupid hair, are you seriously trying to attract stray birds to that nest? Yuck!  Also if it’s your birthday today…Happy birthday!  You look beautiful!

Pisces: Go to the supermarket and just linger around the bacon and/or broccoli .  Your soulmate (a Libra) is coming for you.

Ophiuchus:  It’s 2014! By now you should probably realize you don’t exist AND nobody will ever love you.

*If your carbon monoxide alarm is going off, leave the house.  We are not responsible for you being stupid.  There is carbon monoxide in your house and you will die.  Stop being so dumb.  Also you will fall in love with a firefighter.

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