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Archive for the ‘horoscope’ Category

Oh my goodness gracious, it’s December 1st and we all know what that means!  It’s the first day of your advent calenders.  It’s also clinically proven that today is the day our psychic powers are at it’s strongest.  I think it’s due to the early morning chocolate from the calender. I’m not really sure though.  Read these and get blown away by how real and epic and amazing we are.

Aries:  Pepper spray is not meant to spray on your stirfry, regardless of how bland it is.

Libra:  If you haven’t applied for a shoppers optimum points card, today is the day you should.  It’s one points card us design chicks highly recommend.

Taurus: Write a nice letter or message to someone you normally wouldn’t.  It will either make their day or make them think you are a total creeper.  It’s a risk you need to take.

Scorpio:  My sister thinks I write these ones about her.  So, go to a dress fitting today.

Gemini:  Stop using electronics that have ridiculously big numbers.  They are meant for people with really big fingers or bad eye site.  We all know that Gemini’s are known for having twig fingers and perfect vision.  The gig is up!

Cancer:  Clementines are on sale today.  Be the hero of your workplace and bring a whole basket in.  You’re office will be overwhelmed by the generosity and the boost in their vitamin c levels.

Leo:  One month before New Years.  Start eating a lot of carbs and McDonalds.   It will make it easier to reach your goal of losing 10 pounds later.

Virgo: You really need to start working out.  I don’t want to be mean but, you got way too much junk in your trunk.  Maybe skip out on the advent calender this year.

Sagittarius: Im sure you’re familiar with the term, “revenge is a dish best served old.” Make sure you age your revenge like a fine wine before you go off causing a ruckus too soon!

Capricorn: You will feel like your office building is on fire today, dont run away, its just edna’s space heater. No one likes premature evacuation –  its embarrassing and uncomfortable for everyone.

Aquarius: Find your old high school bully today, and finally put them in their place! Also ask them what the Mcdeal is that day. ZING!

Pisces: Do something completely original today. Trade in that old phone for an iphone!

Ophiuchus: Rosie Odonell once said “I wax with honey!”. But I wouldn’t listen to her…she’s really irritating.

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Aries:  You will eat a meal today that was once covered in Bat feces. Poo!

Libra:  The creepy looking dog you saw earlier is actually a rabid wolf dressed up for Halloween. Deadly!

Taurus:  Long lasting deodorant? More like chlorophyll!

Scorpio:  Stop being such a witch.  Unless you are serious about the wicken ways.  Much respect.

Gemini:  Do no help someone in need today.  They will murder you and feed you to their pet lion.  Spooky!

Cancer:  You smell like an egg salad sandwich.  Narly.

Leo:  I hope you aren’t going to the washroom right now.  I guarantee you that there is a python in your toilet.  Oh ssssnap.

Virgo:  Shave your face tonight.  Tomorrow something will start growing under your nose and will remain there for a whole month.

Sagittarius: Do not eat an apple today.  There will be a needle in it and you will get infected with a serious and deadly virus!  Scandalous!

Capricorn: Don’t panic, but there is a ghost on or in your genitals.  Uh oh!

Aquarius: You will start a new job of some sort today. Most likely cleaning out dead peoples organs.  Gruesome!

Pisces: The ghost of your great grandmother is living in your neighbours Schnauzer.  Go to her.

Ophiuchus: You don’t even exist. Today or ever.  Eeerie!

Aries:  Overalls WILL come back in style.  It’s up to you Aries.

Libra:  Do not trust anything with corn in it today.

Taurus: Umbrella’s will not harm you today…BUT they may harm other people, so beware and be protective.

Scorpio: Check you email, something important is waiting for you.  If not, you may be suffering from a rare email disorder know as spam.

Gemini: I don’t like Gemini’s.  Never have. You don’t deserve a horoscope.

Cancer:  You smell like fish sticks.  Take a bath.  If not, don’t be social tonight.

Leo: You owe it to yourself to give yourself a facemask. stay away from the chocolate one though, you may be tempted to eat it.

Virgo: Matt Damon once said “Darn tootin, I am the most hansom man alive! And Im getting rich because of it!” There is alot to learn from this quote.

Sagittarius: Its time to start doing what you’ve been putting off for quite some time now…put on your unitard…and hand out coupons infront of nofrills, you were born to do it.

Capricorn: the strong silent type, I’ve always liked you. I predict you will need to speak up this weekend when you wake up to that young kid from Home improvement spooning you in your bed. a) where the hell has he been all these years? and b)why couldnt I wake up to someone cooler?

Aquarius: You and ellen degeneris will have a table straddling contest this weekend It will be the most exciting time of your life.

Pisces: eat more berries. not the blue ones, they will make your urine smell funny

Ophiuchus: I dont like you

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Aries:  Peanut butter should not be used as a moisturizer Aries.  Seriously you are already nutty as is.

Libra:  Do not share underwear with Gemini today.  You will get crabs and nobody will love you ever.

Taurus: Try a new recipe today!  May we suggest this one.

Scorpio: Stop trying to see your own farts. Seriously…they are invisible and if you look hard enough you are guaranteed to get pink eye.

Gemini: Do not lend your underwear to Libra today. Also consult your physician you may (99.4% probability) have crabs.

Cancer: When your boss asks you to do something lickety split don’t lick his/her face and then do the splits. This is grounds for immediate dismissal, unless you are training to be a Olympic gymnast and your trainer tastes like ice cream…in that case it’s fair game.

Leo: You need to become a plumber. An elderly women is in distress and needs your help! Only you have the magic plunger.

Virgo: Selena Gomez is pregnant with Justin Beiber’s baby. Tell every one you know! People will start to worship you and come to you for juicy gossip more than Perez Hilton and TMZ.

Sagittarius: Cinnamon heart overdoses are not a joke. Take them seriously and stay away from the bulk barn. Also, cocaine can be harmful too.

Capricorn: Seize the day! Seize it with some suspenders. You can be much more efficient and spontaneous knowing that your pants will not fall down, no matter what you do!

Aquarius: You are so good looking today and everyday. Aquarius keep being you. Everyone loves you and you are really good at writing blogs. You smell great too. Also nice hair!

Pisces: Time to get serious! Serious about teaching your children to hack into government computers. If you don’t have children, start babysitting. The government has valuable information that you must know.

Ophiuchus:Do not visit northern Alberta prison cells today. You will lose your mind. Literally decapitated.

Aries: you will feel gassy today. too bad you’re going dancing. If the crowd disperses around you as you disperse your bodily gas, turn it into a positive – did someone say spontaneous dance circle?!! go aries! go aries! go go, go aries!

Libra: You wernt allowed to watch the simpsons growing up, were you? that explains a lot. You have many anxieties, one being racism towards yellow people. this is unhealthy and hilarious.

Taurus: embrace your faults. except for your complete lack of hygene, its not very becoming of you

Scorpio: You learn something new everyday today you are going to learn that Jonah Hill (that crazy fat funny guy) is now really creepy skinny.  Check it out!

Gemini: remember that alanis song about joey from full house. “YOU OUGHTA KNOW, YOUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU”. I dont know what her problem was, didnt she know that it was never gunna work? he lived in san fran and was trying to make it as a comedian. plus he had to babysit the goblin twins. what a needy bitch. anyways the point is, stop being so needy!

Cancer: TGIF, right? WRONG. get back to work cancer! that marshmellow castle wont make itself

Leo:  Leo, we know you like to party…we get it.  Put your pants back on it’s like 3 in the afternoon, wait till 3am when this is appropriate.

Virgo: Refrain from going on a hot rod diet today you will gain 17 pounds of pure greasy butter.

Sagittarius:  Try a unique gum flavour today.   I suggest Vanilla and Mint. You might think it’s crazy but your tongue and teeth will thank you for it.

Capricorn: Nobody loves you.  Except us, so you should probably keep reading our blog. Plus we are really honest and will tell you when you are having a bad hair day.  Let’s call a spade a spade – it’s been a bad hair month for you.

Pisces: The Hanson brothers are playing in your neighborhood soon.  Not sure if Ike and Taylor or Zach are going to be there but they are brothers and their last names are Hanson or maybe Jonas.

Ophiuchus: You will poop your pants today. If not consider gripe water it helps with constipation.

Aries:  Your honey will get crusty today.  Have no fear, the microwave is near.

Libra:  Trident gum is not for you today, it will cause you to seize and have uncontrollable bowel movements.

Taurus:  Tea bag your best friend today. Preferably with Tetley Green Tea & Pomegranate infusion.

Scorpio: Drink lots of milk today, your bones are exceptionally brittle.  If you are lactose intolerant wear a full body protective suit to ensure that you don’t break any bones.

Gemini:  Kelsey Grammar wants to tell you a knock knock joke.  It’s not very funny so don’t bother calling him.

Cancer:  Start a lemonade stand but instead of selling lemonade sell popcorn.  Your profit per kernal is higher than your profit per lemon.

Leo:  Control yourself! If you have a craving to eat roadkill, stop yourself.  You CAN obtain rabies from eating a roasted dead squirrel.

Virgo: wow virgo,  you have come a long way. no really I dont know how you do that commute every morning, you’re crazy.

Sagittarius: sag rhymes with vag, hahah. worst horoscope sign EVER. no but really, be weary of small asian men today, they carry small knives, and they are quick.

Capricorn: stop using vicks vapour rub, you smell like a miami bartender from the 80’s.

Aquarius: you have a magnetic personality, almost as magnetic as magnet boy. thats effed.

Pisces: amy whinehouse once said ” oy, where me pants at?” That sentence has more meaning than you will ever know.

Ophiuchus: you’re still around? didnt we conclude that your sign doesnt exist? go away! gawd, you Ophiuchus’s really know how to overstay your welcome.

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Aries: Wear a skinny tie today.  A thick tie will make you seem to mischievous and untrustworthy  (like a Leo).

Libra: Stop wearing purple lipstick. it makes you look like a hooker. for real.

Taurus: Tell your co-worker that they have something on their face. Laugh at them.  When they go to the washroom to fix themselves up.. go on their facebook and change their status to “I like to bathe in Philadelphia cream cheese”

Scorpio: WHAT?! no way! sorry my pyschic senses just told me something crazy thats going to happen to you. I cant tell you though. okay I can. It rhymes with merpes. you better get that checked.

Gemini: Take a bath today.  Try cream cheese instead of water.  You may get stuck so keep a cell phone handy to call for paramedics.

Cancer: Stop wearing sunglasses at night. they make you look like a douchebag, like people with those tweety bird-steering wheel covers, or neighbours with above-ground pools that take up their entire backyard. idiots.

Leo: Do not speak to anyone today that is wearing a large hat.  They are smuggling illegal  potato bugs  from Africa.

Virgo: Take a cooking class tonight.  Bring your own pots and pans, hair net, spoons, pet lobster and the first season of  Hells Kitchen or Full House on DVD.

Sagittarius: Go on a 30 hour famine for 2 hours. what? thats ridiculous, you say. well you know whats ridiculous? your ears.

Capricorn: Do not give up on your dreams.  Marilyn Denis wants to talk to you.  I have no idea why. Perhaps you hit her car or you are pregnant with her sons baby.  I don’t know all the facts, but I know she wants to talk to you.

Aquarius: people are talking about you behind your back. no really, look behind you, they are having a really great conversation.

Pisces: Comment on a blog post today.  Try this one.  Use the alias Melba Lee Toast.

Ophiuchus: you’re really bad at accents. stop doing them.

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