Design Chick's Blogaboo!

Archive for the ‘horoscope’ Category


Aries:  Sit outside of your local Tim Hortons today and sing/scream “I’ll Make Love To You”  by Boys 2 Men.  Time how long it takes for you to get arrested.  To speed up the process remove your pants.

Libra:  Think honey is a good moisturizer because it looks so moist?  It’s sticky fool, if you use it you will be sticky too.

Taurus:  You should take the day off tomorrow.  To prepare start to cough now and ask, “is it hot in here?”  or walk into the wall and say, “Woah I didn’t see that there.”

Scorpio:  Go to a restaurant with all-you-can-eat crab legs.  Stuff  gigantic purse with crab legs.  Immediately or 3 weeks later sell crab legs on e-bay for 4 times the cost of buffet.

Gemini:  Thinking of making your own wine?  Don’t.  You will suck at making wine and everyone who drinks it will laugh at you and cry and vomit and possibly die.

Cancer:   You are sleeping right now.  You think you are reading this but it’s all a dream. Pinch someone to test this theory.

Leo:  Today you are a poet. You didn’t know it, but you do now because you read this. Write a poem now, send it to us and get your first poem published.  It will be great. Unless it’s not.  I’m having trouble telling if you are going to be a really good poet today or a really really really bad one. I blame the shifting of the universe on this poor reading.

Virgo: Your aura is looking a little brown today. Listen to barbara streisand’s greatest hits collection on repeat for 3 hours to turn it red and a little bit gay.

Sagittarius: Stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lumber jack. If you are a lumber jack…you really need to get a new job. for real. its 2011.

Capricorn: Try something adventurous today. like building a 3D puzzle or budding in line at starbucks, or pooping in a public garbage can

Aquarius: I sense something large preventing you from being liked. This may be a tall hat or your massive ego.

Pisces: Time to get crazy today. Call an ex-lover and ask them to pick up a carton of milk on their way home. when they ask what the hell is going on, threaten to boil their rabbit.

Ophiuchus: Dont listen to what everyone else says, you ARE a great singer. get on stage, belt it out (and send us the video when you do)


BIG NEWS!
did you hear?? the earth has shifted 43.5 degrees on its rotator cuff and has caused major drama in many areas of life. Kittens are multiplying at a terrifying speed, bob saggot is running for mayor in wisconson, and astrological signs are all outta wack! I know…I know. this is terrible news. (except for me, cause Im a leo and leos are awesome. brrrrap)

We take these matters seriously here at designchicks inc. and we STRONGLY recommend you check here for your new sign or your horoscope may not be as accurate as they always are! so don’t blame us if you didnt get that memo about not participating in an organized sport tonight.

Aries: Do not go horseback riding this weekend, you will fall of your horse and forget about your entire 3rd grade class.

Libra: ya I think its time. get that sex change

Taurus: go to a bar tonight and flash someone. they deserve it, they’ve had a long day.

Scorpio: you are in a very tough position right now. lemur or lemons? mixed or mangled? toxic or non toxic? cant really help you with this one, just be aware that your choices are WACKED

Gemini: learn a new dance today from a trained professional

Cancer: are you wearing your wednesday panties today?? how embarassing

Leo: keep being awesome! you are so great. 

Virgo:  Bury your favourite umbrella today.  Bury it at least 3 feet underground, but not by a beach.  Ye be warned.

Sagittarius:  If you hang out by a pizza hut parking lot tonight past 9.20 pm some may get the wrong impression of you.

Capricorn:  You will meet a (not the) mother goose today.  She will greet you with a large wet poop right on the back of your neck.  To  prevent embarrassment and serious hygiene issues wear a white turtle neck.

Aquarius:  Get a tattoo today.  If you can’t think of what to get, try something unique like Nick Nolte having coffee with Pochahontas.

Pisces:  You need a new pair of shoes, may we suggest these.

Ophiuchus: The sandwich that you left in the fridge 2 weeks ago should not be fed to your dog. This seriously could happen. Seriously, it happened to my aunts friends facebook poke friend.


Aries: be adventurous this weekend. fill your neighbours hot tub with chili and hide behind a bush. laugh as they dip into it and wonder why the water is more delicious than usual. jump out from behind the bush and yell “fiesta!”

Libra: Change your name to Pedro and Run for mayor. The familiarity of the name and its association with the lovable movie “Napolean Dynamite” will appeal to a large population. Be sure too put on a fake accent for authenticity.

Taurus: you were adopted

Scorpio: You will get a facebook friend request today. accept and reap the benefits of online popularity! initiate conversation by a poke or an invitation to farmville.

Gemini: take a nap today in a public place. leave your hat beside you to collect change. use the change to purchase a key. this is the key to your happiness.

Cancer: no one puts on a show like Liza. watch and learn.

Leo: Enter a photoshop contest today. Can’t find one?  Click here

Virgo: Dress up as your favourite smurf today, when people ask you why you are dressed like a smurf simply reply “It’s my prerogative.”

Sagittarius: If you have a headache at all today please be advised that it might be because you are wearing tight underwear.  Going commando today is more effective than Advil (even the migraine kind)

Capricorn: Pooping in a bucket today is not okay, save that sh%t for the weekend.

Aquarius: Some people say that wearing hot pants in the fall is against all rules of fashion.  You, Aquarius are the only one who can get away with this and only today.

Pisces: You will create a new law today that allows you to provoke squirrels with candy bars in public washrooms.


Aries:  Think your coffee or tea tastes funny today it is most likely because there is an excessive amount of urine and or spit in it.

Libra: Do you know someone named Greg?  If so, call him today he wants to talk to you and he has misplaced your phone number.

Taurus: Do not touch any walls today. Walls are more fragile for Taurus’ during the weekend.  They are more likely to collapse and or get dirty from your disgusting taurus hands.

Scorpio:  Your one task this weekend should be to buy Rita MacNeil tickets.  If you fail in doing so you should at least watch this.

Gemini: If you choose to eat any uncooked meat this weekend make sure it is not anything that starts with a t,c,x,f or p. If you eat any of these meats you will get sick and or die.

Cancer: Don’t be fooled by the Taurus next door, he/she just wants steal your canned tuna.

Leo: Hey leo, you probably celebrated a birthday recently or are celebrating one this weekend. Expect lots of attention and gifts. so no different than any other day. Leos are awesome. Laura is a leo, and she’s probably the best person ever. please send her birthday greetings and lots of gifts.

Virgo: You will be rejected three times by a man behind a desk. the fourth time he will welcome you with open arms and a shwarma combo.

Sagittarius: You’ll feel jealousy towards leos this weekend. its not their fault that they are popular. stop being a cry baby.

Capricorn: try to multitask this weekend. make dinner while bathing, or lift weights while sitting on the toilet. your productivity levels will be up up up! (and your bowel movements will be all systems go!)

Aquarius: big things will happen for you this weekend. and I mean BIG. I mean lots of money. you should probably quit your job today cause you wont need to work anymore.

Pisces: do a science project this weekend so that you feel like your life has meaning.


Aries: did you know that thursdays are international “give a hooker a sandwich” day? So give that special hooker down your street a PB & J or a ham and swiss on whole wheat and she may give you something in return! A free movie coupon, obviously.

Libra: your chi-light is pretty low these days. cleaning out your fridge with mr. clean should fix this problem right up.

Taurus: life is pretty dull for you right now. add some auto-tune to your daily routine and reap the benefits of booty shakin’ rhythm and thousands of hits on youtube

Scorpio: summer is almost over and you STILL haven’t set up a lemonade stand?!! get on that girl.

Gemini: saying yes to a thumb war today is the right decision

Cancer: frodo once said, “I wish the ring had never come to me”. well, some unwanted things may come into your life that you must rise above. and if you’re a little person like frodo, you may need a step stool to do this.

Leo: You will feel like you are being followed today.  It’s just your shadow…and your neighbour Jim.  Didn’t know you had a neighbour Jim?  Turn around and introduce yourself!

Virgo: Mate your kitten with a tiger today.  You will get a hybrid kitten called a titten.

Sagittarius: Are you sad today?  Watch this video and you will be happy.

Capricorn: Half of your body wants corn today. The other half will reject the corn if you eat it. Make your decision wisely.

Aquarius: You will have a spectacular day if you are wearing a yellow shirt or if you have recently moved offices. You will also get an unexpected phone call today.

Pisces: Feel like being anti-social tonight? Have the perfect night in! Rent Harry and the Hendersons and watch it in the nude!


Aries: Today is Country Friday. which means that it is imperative you wear tight jeans, eat fried chicken and listen to this song.

Libra: Learn how to snowboard this weekend. no snow? I know. which is why it will be super challenging.

Taurus: skipping rope isn’t just for girls. impress your friends, and the neighborhood kids with your double dutch and Down in the valley moves. say “in your face!” when you’re done.

Scorpio: Having a lot of problems lately? stop cooking with cheese.

Gemini: Start buying shirts that are too small for you. It will make you look more muscular

Cancer: Leonardo DiCaprio dies at the end of inception

Leo: Eating paper this weekend will only mask your problems.  Try eating cardboard.

Virgo: If you want to meet Bob Dylan,  try walking 3 blocks to the north and sing this song He’s a big fan of the Moffats (as are we).

Sagittarius: Stop what you are doing right now. Wait ten seconds and start again. We’ve just saved you from having a mini

Capricorn: Cheerios for dinner tonight!

Aquarius: Baking beans for you significant other will help with any problem in your relationship (this weekend only)

Pisces: Go fishing? Hate fishing? Knit a sweater.


Aries: you really should be more nice to telemarketers, you made the last one cry. way to go.

Libra: you will find the answer to todays problems in the 5th line of this reading.

Taurus: Did you know that tuesdays are salsa days? wear your flashiest salsa outfit to work today. you will most likely get a raise and a few high fives.

Scorpio: crack open a pabst blue ribbon, sit back in your bean bag chair and rediscover this song. fuck ya.

Gemini: impress your friends with a cool joke today, or a magic trick, or perhaps a mediocre slideshow of memories you’ve shared together

Cancer: you’re having a bad hair day today. don’t panic. today is umbrella hat day. should cover that hot mess right up.

Leo: Listen to the radio today.  Scan 4 times and stop.  This station will give you the proper traffic updates.

Virgo: Tie Dye is should definitely be part of your wardrobe today.  Just look at this guy and tell me he doesn’t look like a total rock star.

Sagittarius: Make sure not to bowl with a ball today that is too small for your fingers.

Capricorn: Today you will find out if Justin is creepy or adorable. You will also think this guy is really annoying.

Aquarius: Today you are feeling upscale. Make sure to wear something that makes you feel super fancy….we suggest a giant hat or some arm length white gloves.

Pisces: You must dance today. Dance whenever and wherever you can. If you need some tips watch this


What's your email? Give it to us. You won't be disappointed.

Join 44 other followers

Categories