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Archive for the ‘horoscope’ Category

Aries: you really should be more nice to telemarketers, you made the last one cry. way to go.

Libra: you will find the answer to todays problems in the 5th line of this reading.

Taurus: Did you know that tuesdays are salsa days? wear your flashiest salsa outfit to work today. you will most likely get a raise and a few high fives.

Scorpio: crack open a pabst blue ribbon, sit back in your bean bag chair and rediscover this song. fuck ya.

Gemini: impress your friends with a cool joke today, or a magic trick, or perhaps a mediocre slideshow of memories you’ve shared together

Cancer: you’re having a bad hair day today. don’t panic. today is umbrella hat day. should cover that hot mess right up.

Leo: Listen to the radio today.  Scan 4 times and stop.  This station will give you the proper traffic updates.

Virgo: Tie Dye is should definitely be part of your wardrobe today.  Just look at this guy and tell me he doesn’t look like a total rock star.

Sagittarius: Make sure not to bowl with a ball today that is too small for your fingers.

Capricorn: Today you will find out if Justin is creepy or adorable. You will also think this guy is really annoying.

Aquarius: Today you are feeling upscale. Make sure to wear something that makes you feel super fancy….we suggest a giant hat or some arm length white gloves.

Pisces: You must dance today. Dance whenever and wherever you can. If you need some tips watch this

Here are Fridays horoscopes!

Aries: My only advice to you today is to stay away from ice cream trucks. trust me

Libra: It is your duty to bring something back today. like the high-five, or “NOT!” or the the classic northern getaway sweater

Taurus: you wont have a very good day today. but sing along to this and you’ll feel so much better

Scorpio: the stars are forming a bean shape around your yolk-wagon this week. this is a sign of good luck, but it is also a warning of excess gas. best to stay away from large crowds so as not to embarrass yourself.

Gemini: You’ve been in a funk lately. its time to switch shampoo and watch an episode of cake boss

Cancer: write a poem today and send it to someone you have been admiring from a distance. They will find this to be romantic and ask you out on a date. you will go on the date and become serious for a few years, but in the end things will not work out.

Leo: Get the exact opposite of what you would have gotten for lunch today.

Virgo: The shoes you wear today will say a lot about you. Seriously the will talk and you will be freaked out.

Sagittarius: You will have an itch today that really irritate you.  Don’t fret young Sagittarius it will soon pass.

Capricorn: Try to avoid mirrors today. You do not look good and we don’t want you to feel bad about yourself.

Aquarius: You will be surrounded by strong females today. Do not challenge them to an arm wrestle, you will lose.

Pisces: Today, make sure you eat something that was once frozen.  The defrosting period will remind you of your former lives.

1- Today is Gorgeous Grandma Day
2- Woody Harrelson turns 49 today
3- The Lumberjack World Championships are being held today is Hawyard, WI.
4- In 1984, Vanessa Williams became the first Miss America to resign when she surrendered her crown after nude photos of her appeared in Penthouse magazine.
5-Marlon Wayans turns 38 today

Here are Thursdays horoscopes!

Aries: challenge a younger person to a game of chess today. They will use the Horse as a surprise attack to check mate you. Counter this by shaking the board and claiming there was another earthquake.

Libra: wear fancy slippers to work today. you deserve it

Taurus: go to a pottery class tonight and make some bowls. Take those bowls home and fill them with love and promises.

Scorpio: someone cannot reach you. your phone is most likely off. turn it back on.

Gemini: theres an old irish saying “May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat”. which essentially means you should feed your cat more. or something like that…

Cancer: I sense that you have hostility towards rainbows. you should appreciate them a little bit more. like this guy.

Leo: Call a friend who you haven’t spoken to in a while.  Blame the lack of communication on said person.  Hang up the phone.

Virgo: If you see any sort of musician today make sure to give him/her 5 bucks.  Tell them its for their midnight train to Georgia.

Sagittarius:  Try out speed dating today.  On your third date, take of your pants.  This should spark something special.

Capricorn: Don’t trust any other Capricorns today, they are all thinking the same thing…”I want to be the leader of the Capricorn people and I will stop at nothing to get this power.

Aquarius:   You look good today,  real good. You will subscribe to a really awesome blog today.

Pisces:  Beware of broken glass.  Today you will avoid some glass on the ground..if you look closely at the glass it will be the exact shape of queen elizabeths head.  You will sel this on ebay for $42,051.23

Here are Mondays horoscopes!

Aries: Do not walk anywhere today.  You will be in great danger.  Make sure to roll wherever you go.

Libra: If you have the opportunity to watch an old episode of Murphy Brown today make sure to really listen to what Murphy has to say, it will help you decide what you’d like for dinner.

Taurus: Order a pasta salad today. After your third bite look at the pasta.  There will be a life altering message in the sauce.

Scorpio: you left the coffee maker on today, FYI

Gemini: Check your teeth often today.  The moon is in your t-zone.  You probably look absolutely ridiculous with something in your teeth.

Cancer: A 5th grader will claim they know the answer to a question you’ve been pondering for quite some time. don’t be fooled, they are just a bratty child actor.

Leo: I don’t even want to tell you this. It’s so embarrassing.  Your pants are on backwards today.

Virgo: Be more adventurous. Try a cheeseburger in a can. (and then send us a review, thanks)

Sagitarius: wear a wolf shirt today. It will attract the right crowd.

Capricorn: You will hold the door open today for a person that could alter your future forever.

Someone will hold the door open for you today. They will believe that you could alter their future forever and probably call you too much. avoid their calls if they become overbearing. break up with them via text message or a facebook wall post.

Pisces: It is not okay to watch re-runs of Xena Warrior Princess. Just like it wasn’t okay to watch it in 1995.

Aries: Tight pants are not a good idea today. You will drop a chicken wing and have to bend over and pick it up. You will split my pants. Come to think about it, don’t order chicken wings.

Libra: Howie Mandel is on the loose. He is trying to spread the word of hand sanitation. Do not listen, keep your hands dirty today. You need the antibodies.

Taurus: It is a great day for you. You will get a present today in some form or another. Perhaps the gift of kindness. Perhaps the gift of winning the lottery…i just don’t know

Scorpio: This video will greatly help your social life.

Gemini: Don’t lose site of fresh chicken. If you are thinking about eating chicken that is not fresh. Think again.

Cancer: Snoopy the dog is not only wise, today he holds the secret to solving your inner deepest problems.

Leo: Do not get on a large boat today. Especially if you are traveling towards or any where near an iceberg. Watch this to find out why. You are NOT king of the world.

Virgo: Kenny Rogers once made the greatest chicken/potato salad combo of all time. and then his restaurant chain was discontinued. The man who pulled the plug was a virgo. shame on you.

Libra: Take an extra hour for lunch today. don’t worry, your boss wont mind. (Designchicks are not liable for any potential loss of job) But seriously, we’re psychic, its all gravy.

Sagitarius: Today you will beat an opponent in Pictionary. your winning drawing will be “colonoscopy”. try to keep it PG.

Go for a drink with a good friend tonight. let loose. but not too loose…

it will actually rain men today. you’re welcome.

Pisces: in a battle of rock paper scissors against oprah winfrey, the winning sequence will be scissors, rock and paper. For your win, she will reward you with her favourite things.

Aries: The weather is perfect for jumping on a large trampoline. try impressing your friends with a summersault or a slam dunk?

Libra: its time to pull out those overalls from your closet. maybe your one purpose in life was to bring back the 90’s. bring it back Libra. bring it back with vigor.

Taurus: If you play this song backwards, you will find the meaning of life.

Scorpio: when you travel to space this summer, make sure you join an aerobics class.

Gemini: You will wear a shirt today that will accentuate your nipples.

Cancer: Try something new today. like wearing your left shoe on your right foot. it will feel liberating, and will eventually give you the confidence to start your own business.

Leo: everybody knows the old question “how do you get the caramel in the caramilk bar?”. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe there are more important things in the world? wake up leo. wake up.

Virgo: stop watching the same ‘ol youtube videos. Its time to broaden your horizons.

Libra: The rodents in your neighborhood are rabid do not develop a relationship with them.

Sagitarius: Today you will not go swimming.  If you decide it’s a good idea to go swimming, think again. A child or elderly woman will blow chunks in the pool and it will have to be evacuated.

If you host a murder mystery party make sure to talk in a scottish accent it will throw off all of your competitors and you might just get away with murder (the fake kind for the game…not real murder..we don’t encourage that)

Drink lots of water today.  Remember to urinate though or your internal organs may drown in the vast amount of water that you drank.

Pisces: If you go exploring in a random forest today make sure to wear pants and shoes.  If not you might get bitten by bugs in inappropriate places..or you might get arrested.

We are so sorry for not writing horoscopes for the past few days, we know you must have been lost without them!! but have no fear, it’s a new week… here are your horoscopes for Monday!

Aries: Thank goodness its monday right? WRONG! It’s going to be a crazy week….after all you work at a candy factory. Someones gotta make em! We appreciate you.

Libra: Dr. Phil once said “its my way or the highway”. Take the highway.

Taurus: This week, participate in a cheese or honey festival. Be sure to dress like a pirate. If you think that the two previous sentences are completely unrelated, then you are foolish.

Scorpio: Your love for the weather man is not just a crush. Pursue him and you will live happily ever after, while reaping the benefits of 50% accurate predictions.

Gemini: Monday nights are the new Saturdays.  Have a party, do something wild.  Have some suicide chicken wings.

Cancer: Paper Maché hats are really in fashion for you today.  I hope you woke up extra early to make one for yourself.  If ,you don’t let it dry long enough you might get pieces of mushy newspaper in your hair.  People will assume it’s bird poop.

Leo: Remember not to steal the cookie from the cookie jar.  We mean that literally, those cookies have been there for a really long might get sick.  I think some of them might even be plastic.

Virgo: I hope you woke up wearing some fancy dance shoes…because today for some reason your legs want to jive…you may not be able to walk without twisting and shaking.

Sagittarius:  If you see a horse today, do not ride it.  It will be the reincarnation of John Lennon.  Imagine riding John Lennon…I don’t think he’d want you to.  Respect his wishes.

Capricorn: Go to the bank today wearing a fake mustache.  Talk in a russian spy accent.  Ask where the auditions for American Idol are.

Aquarius: You may think today is a good day to wear fake leather shoes.  You are wrong.  You will get them wet and they will smell like a dirty sock soaked in sausages.

Pisces: Eggs are your answer today.  If anyone asks you a question, simply answer, “Eggs.”  They will completely understand.  How could they not?

Aries: you will find “love” today at the corner of Jane and Finch

Libra: Cher once said “ayaaaaaaeeeeeeOOOowww”. what do you think she meant by that? ponder this today.

Taurus: You will actually see a ford taurus today.  It will look like any other car but it will be a taurus.

Scorpio: Use paper today, in some form.  Draw a picture, make a paper airplane.  Today is one of the only days of the year you can play with paper and we can guarantee you won’t get a paper cut.

Gemini: If you are thinking about dancing today, try to avoid doing it while holding a very full hot beverage.

Cancer: It’s your lucky day!  Find a penny pick it up, all day long your have good luck.  Seriously though, you have to find a penny and you will have a good day.  If not, you develop a large pimple and have troubles sleeping at night.

Leo: Harry Potter may look like your uncle but your uncle looks more like Harry Potter.

Virgo: In your past life you were a donut and blind salesperson.  Try and use this in your life now, you still own the skills you learned from your prior life.

Sagittarius: Turn on the TV, try to find “Deal or no Deal” or “Howie Do it”  your future lies in the shine on Howie’s head.

Capricorn: Stop thinking about what you are thinking about and start thinking about this

Aquarius: You are going to have a really great weekend.  Remember not to talk to women with really big hands.

Pisces: a plastic cup could cut your lip if the cup breaks

Ta Da! Horoscopes for Thursday

Aries: calculators are making a huge come back today, at least for you. You will get excited by the ridiculously big ones with the giant numbers.

Libra: Don’t walk anywhere backwards today. I know it’s been the trend for the last few months but today stay clear of any backward activities…you WILL fall in a pothole.

Taurus: You might be thinking about purchasing a unicycle this video will help you make the right decision.

Scorpio: An ant you step on today is the reincarnation of Elvis.

Gemini: Its earth day today. And no one does earth day better than you virgo. oh this is Gemini…well this is awkward.

Cancer: You will be forgotten about today. but don’t worry we still love you

Leo: Big Instruments will put you in a good mood today.

Virgo: When you go to your highschool reunion, go prepared with a dance routine. It will knock their socks off.

Sagittarius: Wear pleather to your interview today. It will make you stand out. probably in a bad way, but thats the price of being popular.

Capricorn: An Asian gang will challenge you in Dance Dance Revolution today. Accept their challenge. You will lose. But you get to keep your life.

Aquarius: Danny Tanner once said “Don’t be silly. I’m just cleaning my rubber gloves.” Do that today.

Pisces: Stop searching. The answer to #60 across in todays toronto star crossword is “erase”. you’re welcome.

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