Here are Mondays horoscopes!

Aries: Do not walk anywhere today.  You will be in great danger.  Make sure to roll wherever you go.

Libra: If you have the opportunity to watch an old episode of Murphy Brown today make sure to really listen to what Murphy has to say, it will help you decide what you’d like for dinner.

Taurus: Order a pasta salad today. After your third bite look at the pasta.  There will be a life altering message in the sauce.

Scorpio: you left the coffee maker on today, FYI

Gemini: Check your teeth often today.  The moon is in your t-zone.  You probably look absolutely ridiculous with something in your teeth.

Cancer: A 5th grader will claim they know the answer to a question you’ve been pondering for quite some time. don’t be fooled, they are just a bratty child actor.

Leo: I don’t even want to tell you this. It’s so embarrassing.  Your pants are on backwards today.

Virgo: Be more adventurous. Try a cheeseburger in a can. (and then send us a review, thanks)

Sagitarius: wear a wolf shirt today. It will attract the right crowd.

Capricorn: You will hold the door open today for a person that could alter your future forever.

Aqaurius: Someone will hold the door open for you today. They will believe that you could alter their future forever and probably call you too much. avoid their calls if they become overbearing. break up with them via text message or a facebook wall post.

Pisces: It is not okay to watch re-runs of Xena Warrior Princess. Just like it wasn’t okay to watch it in 1995.