Aries: you really should be more nice to telemarketers, you made the last one cry. way to go.

Libra: you will find the answer to todays problems in the 5th line of this reading.

Taurus: Did you know that tuesdays are salsa days? wear your flashiest salsa outfit to work today. you will most likely get a raise and a few high fives.

Scorpio: crack open a pabst blue ribbon, sit back in your bean bag chair and rediscover this song. fuck ya.

Gemini: impress your friends with a cool joke today, or a magic trick, or perhaps a mediocre slideshow of memories you’ve shared together

Cancer: you’re having a bad hair day today. don’t panic. today is umbrella hat day. should cover that hot mess right up.

Leo: Listen to the radio today.  Scan 4 times and stop.  This station will give you the proper traffic updates.

Virgo: Tie Dye is should definitely be part of your wardrobe today.  Just look at this guy and tell me he doesn’t look like a total rock star.

Sagittarius: Make sure not to bowl with a ball today that is too small for your fingers.

Capricorn: Today you will find out if Justin is creepy or adorable. You will also think this guy is really annoying.

Aquarius: Today you are feeling upscale. Make sure to wear something that makes you feel super fancy….we suggest a giant hat or some arm length white gloves.

Pisces: You must dance today. Dance whenever and wherever you can. If you need some tips watch this