Aries: you really should be more nice to telemarketers, you made the last one cry. way to go.
Libra: you will find the answer to todays problems in the 5th line of this reading.
Taurus: Did you know that tuesdays are salsa days? wear your flashiest salsa outfit to work today. you will most likely get a raise and a few high fives.
Scorpio: crack open a pabst blue ribbon, sit back in your bean bag chair and rediscover this song. fuck ya.
Gemini: impress your friends with a cool joke today, or a magic trick, or perhaps a mediocre slideshow of memories you’ve shared together
Cancer: you’re having a bad hair day today. don’t panic. today is umbrella hat day. should cover that hot mess right up.
Leo: Listen to the radio today. Scan 4 times and stop. This station will give you the proper traffic updates.
Virgo: Tie Dye is should definitely be part of your wardrobe today. Just look at this guy and tell me he doesn’t look like a total rock star.
Sagittarius: Make sure not to bowl with a ball today that is too small for your fingers.
Capricorn: Today you will find out if Justin is creepy or adorable. You will also think this guy is really annoying.
Aquarius: Today you are feeling upscale. Make sure to wear something that makes you feel super fancy….we suggest a giant hat or some arm length white gloves.
Pisces: You must dance today. Dance whenever and wherever you can. If you need some tips watch this