Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!

Libra: Stop!  You think you look good in white!  You really, really don’t!  It makes you look like one giant milk mustache.  It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!

Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today?  You should be!  Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you.  May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5?  I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model.  Thanks!  Can you also make it so it can read my mind?

Scorpio: OH SNAP!  That’s right,  you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going!  The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell.  It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today.  Check your local weather station for more information.

Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini?  Or should I say Gem – In – Eye.  That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them!  Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes,  it will double in size.

Cancer:  Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer?  Or should I say Can – Sir!  That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention.  Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods.  So leave everyone alone.  We donated our cans to the less fortunate.

Leo: Hot diggity dog!  That’s what you should be saying this weekend.  That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.

Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend?  You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation!  Might as well start now.  Here’s a some great tips.

Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style?  Me too!  It’s up to you though Sagittarius,  saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles.  Everyone will be watching you.  The time to wear overalls is now.

Capricorn:  Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin?  So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big?  Ya, me too.  Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you.  You are a dreamer.

Aquarius: Alert! Alert!  We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys.  They are one for only 3.99/lb.  Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house.  He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!

Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously.  They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler.  Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.

Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store?  Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus.  That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine.  A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are.  Fact.