Posts Tagged ‘CAPRICORN’
- In: horoscope | humor | humour
- Leave a Comment
Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!
Libra: Stop! You think you look good in white! You really, really don’t! It makes you look like one giant milk mustache. It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!
Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today? You should be! Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you. May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5? I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model. Thanks! Can you also make it so it can read my mind?
Scorpio: OH SNAP! That’s right, you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going! The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell. It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today. Check your local weather station for more information.
Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini? Or should I say Gem – In – Eye. That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them! Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes, it will double in size.
Cancer: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer? Or should I say Can – Sir! That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention. Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods. So leave everyone alone. We donated our cans to the less fortunate.
Leo: Hot diggity dog! That’s what you should be saying this weekend. That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.
Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend? You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation! Might as well start now. Here’s a some great tips.
Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style? Me too! It’s up to you though Sagittarius, saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles. Everyone will be watching you. The time to wear overalls is now.
Capricorn: Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin? So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big? Ya, me too. Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you. You are a dreamer.
Aquarius: Alert! Alert! We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys. They are one for only 3.99/lb. Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house. He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!
Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously. They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler. Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.
Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store? Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus. That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine. A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are. Fact.
Okay people. Big news. This is our 300th post. Can you believe it? We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light round-house kick. We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light. He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything. Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog. Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.
Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you. We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300! Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.
Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011. In the future you will know what this means. Can’t wait? We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient. It says: Stop painting with oils. You are really bad at it. (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)
Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body! You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it. Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra. We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact. Spit that chicken out fool!
Taurus: You will have to take care of a sick friend today. He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.
Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.
Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.
Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.
Leo: You need to get some exercise. Go for a swog. You know a swim jog. Yes you can jog on water in the future. It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.
Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.
Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.
Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch. Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.
Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!
Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.
Ophiuchus: You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself. Look down. Do you have a bellybutton? Didn’t think so. Proof..you don’t exist.