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Posts Tagged ‘CAPRICORN


Aries: Time to quit your job. WHAT? but WHY? you ask. Well for starters, aint nobody gets respect from working at a canned beans factory. Now put that bean scoop down and get out there!

Libra: Stop!  You think you look good in white!  You really, really don’t!  It makes you look like one giant milk mustache.  It’s not 1997, that look ain’t cool anymore!

Taurus: You feeling tech savvy today?  You should be!  Your moon is in your left nano-zone creating an ultra-creative tech environment for you.  May we suggest inventing the i-phone 5?  I’m jonesing for a new phone and I would like the latest model.  Thanks!  Can you also make it so it can read my mind?

Scorpio: OH SNAP!  That’s right,  you are going to hear a snap today if you don’t start watching where you are going!  The snap will of course be either the sound of a baby squirrels neck being broken or the crack of a snails shell.  It all depends on the direction of the wind through your west star today.  Check your local weather station for more information.

Gemini: Have you ever taken a good look at yourself gemini?  Or should I say Gem – In – Eye.  That’s right, your eyes, contain gems inside them!  Don’t go removing them just yet though, wait until your next moon/bowel passes,  it will double in size.

Cancer:  Have you ever taken a good look at yourself Cancer?  Or should I say Can – Sir!  That’s right you are addicted to canned foods and you are in desperate need of an intervention.  Just because you call someone sir does not mean they will give you all of their canned foods.  So leave everyone alone.  We donated our cans to the less fortunate.

Leo: Hot diggity dog!  That’s what you should be saying this weekend.  That’s really all you should be saying this weekend, nobody will care if you say anything else. Zip it Leo.

Virgo: Feel like curing some meat this weekend?  You are going to need to, your fridge and freezer are going to break down and you are going to have to do some mad preservation!  Might as well start now.  Here’s a some great tips.

Sagittarius: Want to bring overalls back into style?  Me too!  It’s up to you though Sagittarius,  saturn of style is in your o-zone this weekend meaning you will be very influential on current trends and styles.  Everyone will be watching you.  The time to wear overalls is now.

Capricorn:  Ever wish there was such thing as a really big kiwi without the skin?  So you could eat it without peeling and it would be worthwhile because it would be really big?  Ya, me too.  Keep dreaming Capricorn, that’s what we like about you.  You are a dreamer.

Aquarius: Alert! Alert!  We are alerting you to the sale on Back Ribs at sobeys.  They are one for only 3.99/lb.  Just make sure after buying your truckload, you don’t bring them over to Virgo’s house.  He/she is on a meat curing frenzy this weekend!

Pisces: Avoid people that don’t take design chicks horoscopes seriously.  They are clearly a reincarnation of Hitler.  Nobody wants to hang out with that fool.

Ophiuchus: Did you eat the hairy watermelon you bought at the store?  Ha, you are ridiculous Ophiuchus.  That hairy watermelon was a figment of your imagination, just like you are a figment of mine.  A hairy watermelon is more likely to exist than you are.  Fact.


Okay people.  Big news.  This is our 300th post.  Can you believe it?  We can’t. We were planning on posting our exclusive interview with Chuck Noris for our 300th post, unfortunately during the interview we asked him to demonstrate how to do a light  round-house kick.  We should have known better, he doesn’t know how to do anything light.  He kicked Laura in the grill and she forgot everything.  Even that she was married to Channing Tatum…but more importantly she forgot our password to log into our blog.  Anyways, Channing and Laura are doing fine…they’re actually just falling in love all over again.

Anyways, we are posting theses horoscope for future you. 300 year old you.  We know what you are thinking….I only know 3-4 people that have ever lived to 300!  Well we know for a fact (don’t forget we are licensed psychics legit fo’ real) that if you read this blog on a tri-daily basis you will live 3 times as long. Plus advances in modern medicine will tack on another 60-90 days/years.

Aries: 0011001001111100101010010011.  In the future you will know what this means.  Can’t wait?  We know…Aries’ are terribly impatient.  It says:  Stop painting with oils.  You are really bad at it.  (good thing you read this now…you could have wasted over 200 years)

Libra: Salmonella is no longer harmful to your body!  You have developed enough antibodies in the past few hundred years that you can now eat an entire chicken without even killing it.   Oh shoot…we are just kidding…hold your horses Libra.  We just wanted to test your gullibility…clearly still in tact.  Spit that chicken out fool!

Taurus:  You will have to take care of a sick friend today.  He/She may have gotten salmonella poisoning.

Scorpio: Your friend will try to convince you that you have salmonella poisoning only so they can swoop in and eat your yummy leftovers. don’t let this happen!! it is imperative you eat that day old mac n cheese. It’s good luck, but only if you wear a sock on your left hand while you chew thrice and swallow.

Gemini: I think its time to ride a Big Wheel. it will really accentuate your jawline.

Cancer: We read your career stars and it’s looking great! This month try getting into something that requires less talent. like zero. in fact, you better apply for Unemployment Insurance.

Leo:  You need to get some exercise.  Go for a swog.  You know a swim jog.  Yes you can jog on water in the future.  It burns 30% more calories than a swalking.

Virgo: your Y zone is palpitating and sending out pink and blue rays – this obviously shows that you are eating way too much fiber before swimming in your nearest public pool.

Sagittarius: You must dial this number: (416) 368-2937. This is Nicholas Cage’s Toronto Number. He is waiting for you.

Capricorn: Capricorn, we know you have always been jealous of peppercorn the delightful spice added to such certain dressings as ranch or creamy ranch or triple bacon ranch.  Well don’t fret, in the future capricorn will also be a spice, added to more conservative dressings like Italian and zesty Italian.

Aquarius: Kleenex spelled backwards is xeneelk. This is the name of the city you will live in, in the future. A city made entirely out of used tissues. Oh what a sight it will be!

Pisces: You need to slow down P dawg. Not everyone can keep up with your get-up-and-go attitude. It’s really offputting. So are those socks. Salmon? really? gross.

Ophiuchus:  You still don’t exist. Stop kidding yourself.  Look down.  Do you have a bellybutton?  Didn’t think so.  Proof..you don’t exist.


Aries: be adventurous this weekend. fill your neighbours hot tub with chili and hide behind a bush. laugh as they dip into it and wonder why the water is more delicious than usual. jump out from behind the bush and yell “fiesta!”

Libra: Change your name to Pedro and Run for mayor. The familiarity of the name and its association with the lovable movie “Napolean Dynamite” will appeal to a large population. Be sure too put on a fake accent for authenticity.

Taurus: you were adopted

Scorpio: You will get a facebook friend request today. accept and reap the benefits of online popularity! initiate conversation by a poke or an invitation to farmville.

Gemini: take a nap today in a public place. leave your hat beside you to collect change. use the change to purchase a key. this is the key to your happiness.

Cancer: no one puts on a show like Liza. watch and learn.

Leo: Enter a photoshop contest today. Can’t find one?  Click here

Virgo: Dress up as your favourite smurf today, when people ask you why you are dressed like a smurf simply reply “It’s my prerogative.”

Sagittarius: If you have a headache at all today please be advised that it might be because you are wearing tight underwear.  Going commando today is more effective than Advil (even the migraine kind)

Capricorn: Pooping in a bucket today is not okay, save that sh%t for the weekend.

Aquarius: Some people say that wearing hot pants in the fall is against all rules of fashion.  You, Aquarius are the only one who can get away with this and only today.

Pisces: You will create a new law today that allows you to provoke squirrels with candy bars in public washrooms.


Aries:  Think your coffee or tea tastes funny today it is most likely because there is an excessive amount of urine and or spit in it.

Libra: Do you know someone named Greg?  If so, call him today he wants to talk to you and he has misplaced your phone number.

Taurus: Do not touch any walls today. Walls are more fragile for Taurus’ during the weekend.  They are more likely to collapse and or get dirty from your disgusting taurus hands.

Scorpio:  Your one task this weekend should be to buy Rita MacNeil tickets.  If you fail in doing so you should at least watch this.

Gemini: If you choose to eat any uncooked meat this weekend make sure it is not anything that starts with a t,c,x,f or p. If you eat any of these meats you will get sick and or die.

Cancer: Don’t be fooled by the Taurus next door, he/she just wants steal your canned tuna.

Leo: Hey leo, you probably celebrated a birthday recently or are celebrating one this weekend. Expect lots of attention and gifts. so no different than any other day. Leos are awesome. Laura is a leo, and she’s probably the best person ever. please send her birthday greetings and lots of gifts.

Virgo: You will be rejected three times by a man behind a desk. the fourth time he will welcome you with open arms and a shwarma combo.

Sagittarius: You’ll feel jealousy towards leos this weekend. its not their fault that they are popular. stop being a cry baby.

Capricorn: try to multitask this weekend. make dinner while bathing, or lift weights while sitting on the toilet. your productivity levels will be up up up! (and your bowel movements will be all systems go!)

Aquarius: big things will happen for you this weekend. and I mean BIG. I mean lots of money. you should probably quit your job today cause you wont need to work anymore.

Pisces: do a science project this weekend so that you feel like your life has meaning.


Aries: did you know that thursdays are international “give a hooker a sandwich” day? So give that special hooker down your street a PB & J or a ham and swiss on whole wheat and she may give you something in return! A free movie coupon, obviously.

Libra: your chi-light is pretty low these days. cleaning out your fridge with mr. clean should fix this problem right up.

Taurus: life is pretty dull for you right now. add some auto-tune to your daily routine and reap the benefits of booty shakin’ rhythm and thousands of hits on youtube

Scorpio: summer is almost over and you STILL haven’t set up a lemonade stand?!! get on that girl.

Gemini: saying yes to a thumb war today is the right decision

Cancer: frodo once said, “I wish the ring had never come to me”. well, some unwanted things may come into your life that you must rise above. and if you’re a little person like frodo, you may need a step stool to do this.

Leo: You will feel like you are being followed today.  It’s just your shadow…and your neighbour Jim.  Didn’t know you had a neighbour Jim?  Turn around and introduce yourself!

Virgo: Mate your kitten with a tiger today.  You will get a hybrid kitten called a titten.

Sagittarius: Are you sad today?  Watch this video and you will be happy.

Capricorn: Half of your body wants corn today. The other half will reject the corn if you eat it. Make your decision wisely.

Aquarius: You will have a spectacular day if you are wearing a yellow shirt or if you have recently moved offices. You will also get an unexpected phone call today.

Pisces: Feel like being anti-social tonight? Have the perfect night in! Rent Harry and the Hendersons and watch it in the nude!


Aries: Today is Country Friday. which means that it is imperative you wear tight jeans, eat fried chicken and listen to this song.

Libra: Learn how to snowboard this weekend. no snow? I know. which is why it will be super challenging.

Taurus: skipping rope isn’t just for girls. impress your friends, and the neighborhood kids with your double dutch and Down in the valley moves. say “in your face!” when you’re done.

Scorpio: Having a lot of problems lately? stop cooking with cheese.

Gemini: Start buying shirts that are too small for you. It will make you look more muscular

Cancer: Leonardo DiCaprio dies at the end of inception

Leo: Eating paper this weekend will only mask your problems.  Try eating cardboard.

Virgo: If you want to meet Bob Dylan,  try walking 3 blocks to the north and sing this song He’s a big fan of the Moffats (as are we).

Sagittarius: Stop what you are doing right now. Wait ten seconds and start again. We’ve just saved you from having a mini

Capricorn: Cheerios for dinner tonight!

Aquarius: Baking beans for you significant other will help with any problem in your relationship (this weekend only)

Pisces: Go fishing? Hate fishing? Knit a sweater.


Here are Thursdays horoscopes!

Aries: challenge a younger person to a game of chess today. They will use the Horse as a surprise attack to check mate you. Counter this by shaking the board and claiming there was another earthquake.

Libra: wear fancy slippers to work today. you deserve it

Taurus: go to a pottery class tonight and make some bowls. Take those bowls home and fill them with love and promises.

Scorpio: someone cannot reach you. your phone is most likely off. turn it back on.

Gemini: theres an old irish saying “May the cat eat you and the devil eat the cat”. which essentially means you should feed your cat more. or something like that…

Cancer: I sense that you have hostility towards rainbows. you should appreciate them a little bit more. like this guy.

Leo: Call a friend who you haven’t spoken to in a while.  Blame the lack of communication on said person.  Hang up the phone.

Virgo: If you see any sort of musician today make sure to give him/her 5 bucks.  Tell them its for their midnight train to Georgia.

Sagittarius:  Try out speed dating today.  On your third date, take of your pants.  This should spark something special.

Capricorn: Don’t trust any other Capricorns today, they are all thinking the same thing…”I want to be the leader of the Capricorn people and I will stop at nothing to get this power.

Aquarius:   You look good today,  real good. You will subscribe to a really awesome blog today.

Pisces:  Beware of broken glass.  Today you will avoid some glass on the ground..if you look closely at the glass it will be the exact shape of queen elizabeths head.  You will sel this on ebay for $42,051.23


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