Aries: did you know that thursdays are international “give a hooker a sandwich” day? So give that special hooker down your street a PB & J or a ham and swiss on whole wheat and she may give you something in return! A free movie coupon, obviously.

Libra: your chi-light is pretty low these days. cleaning out your fridge with mr. clean should fix this problem right up.

Taurus: life is pretty dull for you right now. add some auto-tune to your daily routine and reap the benefits of booty shakin’ rhythm and thousands of hits on youtube

Scorpio: summer is almost over and you STILL haven’t set up a lemonade stand?!! get on that girl.

Gemini: saying yes to a thumb war today is the right decision

Cancer: frodo once said, “I wish the ring had never come to me”. well, some unwanted things may come into your life that you must rise above. and if you’re a little person like frodo, you may need a step stool to do this.

Leo: You will feel like you are being followed today.  It’s just your shadow…and your neighbour Jim.  Didn’t know you had a neighbour Jim?  Turn around and introduce yourself!

Virgo: Mate your kitten with a tiger today.  You will get a hybrid kitten called a titten.

Sagittarius: Are you sad today?  Watch this video and you will be happy.

Capricorn: Half of your body wants corn today. The other half will reject the corn if you eat it. Make your decision wisely.

Aquarius: You will have a spectacular day if you are wearing a yellow shirt or if you have recently moved offices. You will also get an unexpected phone call today.

Pisces: Feel like being anti-social tonight? Have the perfect night in! Rent Harry and the Hendersons and watch it in the nude!