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I know what you are thinking.  Why the heck haven’t you done this before?  I don’t have an answer for that, so just relax.  We are doing it now and if you’re lucky we will do it again next year.  There is so much Oscar buzz out there right now I can hardly contain myself.  Just kidding, most of it is stupid and boring.  So we’ve decided to create this super unboring and unstupid Oscar Preview.  FINALLY RIGHT?! You are welcome!

Best sound editing: Obviously goes to whoever made this video (he MUST be nominated, we would be shocked if he wasn’t)

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Rob Ford – His leading role as Mayor of Toronto has definitely been a performance to talk about! But what has really impressed the Academy is the physical transformation he went through to look the part.  Here’s a before and after picture of him.

rob ford wins oscar

Documentary Feature: This documentary about a goat eating dinner wins for so many reasons;  mainly because it really, really makes you think.

Biggest Oscar Snub: Smurfs 2.  We know why this didn’t get nominated. Bottom line: the Academy is filled with a bunch of racists.

smurfs 2

Most shocking nomination: Dallas Buyers Club.  Why?  We know it’s a great movie.  It’s just the Academy is usually very snobby when it comes to nominating sequels.  I mean, hello, Smurfs 2 wasn’t nominated.  So we were just surprised that the sequel to Ghosts of Girlfriends Past was.

ghost of dallas

Best picture:  Again an obvious winner here … This picture of a squirrel waiting for a bus! gardensquirrelhandbag-wallpaper

Most likely to have a nip-slip:  Ellen DeGeneres

ellen

Most likely to get really thin before Oscars and then gain the weight back before the end of the night: Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill skinny and fat

Most like to storm the stage and pull a Kanyé West:  Tom Hanks – seriously, that guy is a ticking time bomb.

Tom-HanksMost likely to be dealing out Quaaludes on the red carpet:  Leonardo Dicaprio

the-wolf-of-wall-street-official-extended-trailer-0-640x426

Most likely to buy Quaaludes from Leonardo Dicaprio on the red carpet:  June Squibb

Nebraska Screening at AFI Fest

 


Two years ago we wrote an amazing Gift Guide.  We got such rave reviews that we decided not to bring it back last year just to keep everyone on their toes. Check out our old gift guide here, but if you want to be super hip and in-the-now, read on to our new and fresh Best Gift Guide EVER!

We believe that any one of your family members or friends will fit into one of the categories below.  Trust us, we literally know everything.

Buying for someone who wants to move things with his/her mind?
Clearly this is a gift for everybody, because for realzies, who wouldn’t want to move things with their mind?  This is a game that you play with simply  the power of your mind.  Not sure if you will be able to play it though, since we have already BLOWN your mind.  Boom. Head explosion.  To purchase, click here.

Move things with your mind

Move things with your mind!! Look how cool this guy looks! You can be this cool too!

Buying for someone who recently lost everything they own in a terrible house fire? Isn’t it just awful when someone loses all of their possessions in a house fire?  It’s sad and it’s happening more and more due to how great scented candles smell nowadays, nobody wants to ever blow them out!  I blame Martha.  Anyways, the only gift that could possibly replace all of the memorabilia that has been burnt to a crisp, is this book of awkward family photos.  They will be laughing so hard they won’t even realize it’s not their own family.  Check it out here!

Memories all gone? No problem, just replace them with other peoples awkward memories!

Memories all gone? No problem, just replace them with other peoples awkward memories!

Buying for someone who just detests spoons?
Do you know someone who suffers from Spoons phobia? Yes, it is a real thing and it is affecting more and more young people everyday.  You can make a spoon phobic persons dreams come true with this self stirring coffee mug!  Hoopla!  No more will they have to go without their coffee being stirred! No more pesky sugar buildup at the bottom of their cup.  You will be their hero, we guarantee it.  Check it out here!

Buy your crazy friend a mug or don't be friends with people who are scared of spoons, you choose!

Buy your crazy friend a mug or don’t be friends with people who are scared of spoons, you choose!

Buying for someone who always looks like they may have just touched their genitals?
Most of our friends fall into this category so we will be buying this product in bulk this year.  From the maker of “Bitch Slap those germs – Hand Sanitizer” comes the newest “Maybe you just touched your genitals – Hand Sanitizer”.  Check it out here!

Don't de-friend your perv friends, just buy them some hand sanitizer!

Don’t de-friend your perv friends, just buy them some hand sanitizer!

Buying for a teacher who has really, really dumb students? We are all well-aware of how ridiculously stupid children these days can be.  We aren’t being mean, we just know facts.  Not all kids (Robin‘s are smart and Laura’s future children will be too) but let’s face it most are really, really dumb, fo’ real.  So we feel for the teachers out there who have to mark their school work.  They spend countless hours trying to explain to their students why their work is stupid and makes no sense.  Well we want to make their lives easier.  One stamp that says it all: “WTF”.  Check it out here.

kids are dumb, fo' real.

kids are dumb, fo’ real.

Buying for a germaphobe whose day-to-day life makes  it impossible for them not to use a public washroom?
We all know people like this! Heck even if they aren’t a germaphobe, most people will appreciate this Public toilet survival kit.

toilets be stinky.

toilets be stinky.

Buying for a klutzy person who enjoys insulting people like Shakespeare?

Three words: Shakespearean Insult Bandages. We know what your thinking, “I hope they have enough of these in stock, my entire social circle falls into this category!”  We know right?!  Clearly these bandages were created because there was a high demand for them.  We’ve contacted the supplier to ensure they have plenty.  Act quickly though!  Order now, you never know how long these will last!  Check them out here.

thou unmuzzled  rump-fed foot-licker will love this gift!

thou unmuzzled rump-fed foot-licker will love this gift!

Buying for someone who hates wearing footwear?
Most people don’t know this but people who don’t like to wear footwear actually have a disorder called melikeythefeelingofgrassundermyfeet. The symptoms include liking the feeling of grass under their feet.  We know that most offices and public places make their employees wear some kind of footwear.  That’s why this will be the perfect gift for your weird friend/mother who hates wearing shoes.  Check these bad boys out!

who needs no shoes now!

who needs no shoes now!

Buying for someone who likes to tell the time, is a fashion diva and also loves Mr. Bean?
Thought this was going to be a tricky person to buy for, right?  Well don’t worry, we’ve found the perfect gift!  This Mr. Bean loving fashionista will never be late again thanks to this very trendy wrist watch!

you are welcome!

you are welcome!

Buying for a fashion-forward teen/tween/adult or senior citizen or a farmer with a large wallet?

This lovely handbag is made from the extremely fashionable fabric: rubber. I actually just saw Taylor Swift carrying this around after the Victoria Secret Fashion show, no lie, that’s how trendy this thing is!  Buy one today, before it’s gone forever (or you have to buy it used on E-Bay).

Put your junk in this hens trunk.

Put your junk in this hens trunk.

Buying for a child who you can totally tell is going to be crazy a crazy cat lady one day?

More and more children are aspiring to be crazy cat ladies these days, due to hit TV shows like hoarders.  Well, we don’t like to stand in the way of any child’s dreams! Neither should you!  Help that special kid live up to their crazy cat potential with this crazy cat lady practice kit.  A crazy cat lady action figure, complete with a bunch of crazy cats.

kids these days be so crazy.

kids these days be so crazy.

Buying for someone who likes Bananas, especially sliced ones?This life changing device will change the lives of banana lovers forever.  Seriously read the reviews here.  Seriously read them, all 4,585 of them.  They are really, really funny.

cuts like warm butta

cuts like warm butta

Buying for someone who idolizes us design chicks?
You may or may not know that Laura & I are proud Canadians.  We look and talk like lumberjacks and we smell like maple syrup.  Most people want to be just like us. We have a lot of fans all over the world.  We get emails on a daily basis from as far as Argentina, Tokyo and Madrid. The main thing our fans ask us is, how can we be more like you guys?  Well, here’s a start!  Look and feel like a Canadian with this “look and feel like a Canadian spray“.  Mmm mmm.

Be like us!

Be like us!


Welcome to our 3rd Annual most Creative and Inspirational Halloween Costume EVER post!

If you want to see our post from last year click here.  Want to go waaaaay back to the year before that, click here.

You are welcome in advance.

Robin-Thicke-Miley-Cyrus-Halloween
Robin Thicke & Miley Cyrus:
This is probably the most obvious couples costume of this year.  I mean, hello, pop culture. #obvious #mileyisaskank #RobinThickeisBeetlejuice.If you go as this don’t quote our blog.  We are so much better than this.
Beetlejuice-halloweenBeetlejuice:
Wear this and you can weed out anyone at the bar who is underage.  If anyone comes up to you and says, “Why do you look like Robin Thicke after putting a knife in the toaster” or “Where’s Miley?”  they are clearly too young for you bro.
Ask them where they were when the Blue Jays won the world series.  If they look at you, confused, kick’em out of the bar or party you are at.

Miley Cyrus - Wrecking Ball: Less obvious pop culture/trendy halloween costume.  We approve of you quoting us on this costume, but only if you are male.  Girls, get your heads outta the trash and put some clothes on.
Miley Cyrus – Wrecking Ball:
Less obvious pop culture/trendy Halloween costume. We approve of you quoting us on this costume, but only if you are male. Girls, get your heads outta the trash and put some clothes on.
duck-dyansty-halloween
Duck Dynasty:
Beards, bandanas and camo.  Easy peasy. Get extra bonus points at the party you attend by bringing a delicious slow cooked squirrel.  We guarantee you will be invited back next year.
ed-sheeran-halloween
Ed Sheeran:
Are you extremely pale and unfortunate looking? Then this is the costume for you! Just strap on a dirty, ugly, ginger wig and you are good to go!
Are you an extremely pale and unfortunate looking ginger? Then you just saved some money on a dirty, ugly, ginger wig!
Long Island Medium-halloween
Theresa Caputo from Long Island Medium:
The great thing about this costume is you can reuse the wig you wore a few years ago when you went as Kate from (John and) Kate plus 8.
Rick Campanelli: This is a great costume for those douchey guys that don't like to actually dress up.  Although it take a little prep work.  Make sure you teeth are freshly whiten,  and you've hit the tanning bed atleast twice prior to Halloween.  Just throw on your nicest suit, plop an ET Canada sticker on a microphone and boom you're Rick Campenelli.  We strongly suggest you read this very informative interview with Rick so you can really understand who you are dressed as, it will blow your mind.
Rick Campanelli:
This is a great costume for those douchey guys that don’t like to actually dress up. Although it take a little prep work. Make sure your teeth are freshly whiten, and you’ve hit the tanning bed atleast twice prior to Halloween. Just throw on your nicest suit, plop an ET Canada sticker on a microphone and boom you’re Rick Campenelli. We strongly suggest you read this very informative interview with Rick so you can really understand who you are dressed as, it will blow your mind.
Shark Week: I stole this from another site that has some pretty cool ideas.  Don't click the link though, stay on our site.
Shark Week:
I stole this from another site that has some pretty cool ideas. Don’t click the link though, stay on our site.
Rookie of the Year: Um hello probably one of the most classic baseball movies of all time.  Assemble a make shift cast, throw on a cubs jersey and boom - Rookie of the Year.  Everyone will know who you are, if they don't, they don't deserve to be in your space.
Rookie of the Year:
Um hello probably one of the most classic baseball movies of all time. Assemble a make shift cast, throw on a cubs jersey and boom – Rookie of the Year. Everyone will know who you are, if they don’t, they don’t deserve to be in your space.
Anchorman crew: This is another pretty obvious/trendy costume idea since the new Anchorman 2 is coming out soon. Are you as excited as we are?
Anchorman crew:
This is another pretty obvious/trendy costume idea since the new Anchorman 2 is coming out soon. Are you as excited as we are?
Sabrina the Teenage witch: Couldn't find a cat sitter for Halloween? No problem.  Just bring him/her along, wear a blonde wig and act really cutesy and precious and boom you are Sabrina the Teenage Witch.  I am pretty sure that most bars allow cats.  If you unsure make up a fake ID for you cat prior to leaving.  It's halloween, there's so many costumes floating around, the bouncers probably won't realize the cat is in fact a cat, not a very little person in a cat costume.
Sabrina the Teenage Witch:
Couldn’t find a cat sitter for Halloween? No problem. Just bring him/her along, wear a blonde wig and act really cutesy and precious and boom you are Sabrina the Teenage Witch. I am pretty sure that most bars allow cats. If you unsure make up a fake ID for you cat prior to leaving. It’s halloween, there’s so many costumes floating around, the bouncers probably won’t realize the cat is in fact a cat, not a very little person in a cat costume.
Snoop Lion: Seriously?  Nuff, said.
Snoop Lion:
Seriously? Nuff, said.
The WIggles: Are you a group of 4 really creepy dudes?  Does one of you own a red shirt? Does another one own a yellow one?  How about a purple one? Oh and a blue one too.  Learn a song  or two and you are golden.
The Wiggles:
Are you a group of 4 really creepy dudes? Does one of you own a red shirt? Does another one own a yellow one? How about a purple one? Oh and a blue one too. That’s all you need to dress as these 4 creepers. Bonus points if you learn a song or two!

Want more ideas? Check out our post from last year or the year before that!


Last years Halloween Costume blog was such a hit, we’ve decided to give you some more earth shattering, mind blowing ideas.  Choose any of these costumes and you will be the life of any party.

Obama and Romney. This one will make you and your friend look super smart and into politics! Just grab some cardboard at your local No Frills and make two podiums, put on a couple suits, and wabam! you’ve got yourself a debate! Bonus points if you can sing this song.
Inflatable bike helmet girl. Be the first to flaunt one of the stupidest inventions of the year! This one should be easy, just take an inflatable pool chair and fasten it on your head

 

Sophia Grace & Rosie. The key here is a buttload of pink, a tutu, a tiara and a British accent. If you make people barf out chipmunks you know you succeeded in being as cute as these 2 adorable farts.

Breaking Amish. Value village meets big city.

There’s so many variations of Kenny Powers. Mexican Kenny, thuglife Kenny, Baseball Kenny.

The Dictator. Any character that Sascha Baron Cohen has ever played is typically a good costume.

Mr. Rogers. Easy costume, plus he’s like super “in” right now.

Abby and Brittany Hensel. Easy couple costume! just get an oversize shirt cozy up with someone and get really, really drunk. This will help with the look.

Why wouldn’t you want to be a pickle for halloween?

They key to a good Cee Lo Halloween costume is a pair of shades, creating a tubby body and also the optical illusion that your arms are too short for your body. Also buy a pink parrot, he’s more attached to that thing than his left knee cap.  For reals!

Kevin from The Office. This is a good costume for a really dumb looking balding guy. Slop on some kleenex shoes for a more formal look.

Lindsay Lohan through the years. Why be just one version of lindsay when you could be multiple?! This one requires a few different wigs and coke-addict makeup. You’ll need to carry these with you so you can alter your costume throughout the night so you get progressively crazier. SPOOKY!

Naked Cowboy at Times Square. Everybody loves this guy! This is a great way to make a few bucks on halloween too! Just strip down to your underwear, find a corner and let it rip! (the guitar solos, that is).

Debbie Downer. A classic but a goody! This is a great way to meet people. Walk up to random groups and interrupt their conversations with stories about your dying cat or your spreading foot fungus. You’ll be the life of the party!

The Hamburgler. This is a great excuse to stand outside of McDonalds and steal peoples burgers! They cant do anything but laugh it off “oh hahaha I get it! thats hilarious! I’ll just buy another”


Are you surprised that your family doesn’t want you at their festive feast this year? What did you do wrong? Did you double dip in Aunt Beths famous “Gummy bear and cream cheese delight”? Did you pick up Grandpa Joe from the airport only to find when you arrived to dinner that he is in fact not Grandpa Joe? Did you drink too much wine and pass out on the neighbours lawn with a turkey leg up your butt? Dear god, I wouldn’t want you back either! Don’t fret, cause that’s the beauty of family, they can avoid you, but they can never really get rid of you!

Step 1: Find the Location
You don’t know where dinner is being held this year because you didn’t receive an invite. No problem. Call around, claim ignorance, and make them feel bad. One of them is bound to crack!  eg: “Oh hey Aunt Beth, I forgot who was hosting this year,” “Hey Uncle Steve, I  lost my invite,” “Hows Grandpa Joe doing? Can’t wait to see him this year!”

Step 2: Infiltrate and Attack
haha! you’ve got the location, now you need to arrive without anyone really noticing. That way you’ll just “be there” and everyone will assume that you belong. Kind of like when you’re approached by a dinosaur, immediately put your hands to your chest and squawk, assimilate, beeee there. Back windows are a good place to start, but I find the very best strategy is finding the kids, your  second cousins, your nieces and nephews, your little munchkins who will lead you down the yellow brick road to glory.  They are bound to be playing in the backyard, just go round back and toss them a frisbee, BOOM you’re in. If you get all of them to tackle you while laughing, bonus points. Your family will eventually gaze out the window “hey, look who it is” “how long has he been here?” “who cares, at least he’s keeping the kids happy”

Step 3: Act like you did nothing wrong
Yes you are in, but there are still going to be a few angry relatives who demand an explanation for your behaviour last year. These ones will bring you down. I like to call them Land Mines. Three words: AVOID AVOID AVOID. Sit at the opposite end from anyone you suspect to be a LM. If you see them approaching you from across the room, redirect your gaze and claim you have to go to the bathroom. Some will be more persistent than others, these ones aren’t afraid to make a scene. Put the music on really loud so even if they are yelling, no one will hear them – alternatively you can “accidentally” lock them in the pantry. what?! There’s food in there…

Step 4: Tell an amazing story at Dinnertime – be the life of the party
This is it, it’s your time to shine. You’ve got everyone where you want them (including the unlucky relative in the pantry). Some people have trouble with this one, but we are going to tell you a little secret.  Your worst moments make your best stories. We should know.  Laura once got into a verbal altercation with a hooker in a Tim Hortons bathroom and I once accidentally put “urban” hair product into my hair and looked like I took a bath in vaseline.  Heck, these weren’t our finest moments but they do make great dinner party stories.  One thing I know for sure is, we always, ALWAYS get invited back.  So what we suggest is telling the story of something stupid you did, perhaps even your previous thanksgiving when you woke up with a turkey leg in your arse on the neighbours front lawn.  Too soon?  Nah!  The secret to telling stories that you believe some people will be offended by is simple… Just laugh really, really, really hard.  Uncontrollable laughter will ease any uncomfortable situation.  When you laugh uncontrollably other people will follow suit and whoever is left not laughing will look like the über douche.  Hopefully this guy won’t be invited back next year, that is unless he reads this blog.

Step 5: Redeem yourself
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone wakes up with turkey skin flapping out of their butt every once in a while.  Even Obama.   Everyone always has a chance to redeem themselves though.  After everyone is all limbered up from their laugh attack they will be more open to your bullshit.  Feed them lies.  Elaborate lies. Lies about helping underprivileged sweat shop children in New Guinea get degrees in restaurant management.  People eat that shit up.  Trust me.  Have we ever lied you guys?  No, not ever.  We are experts in every field.  Now, that they think you are a hero and no longer a zero…you are set for next year…. That is until they find Aunt Zelda in the pantry.  Act confused if she tattles on you.  Scratch your head, look dizzy….look concust.  Concust people do crazy shit all the time.  Now…start laughing…. Uncontrollably.  You are as good as golden.


New section alert!  I know Laura and I haven’t been writing a lot lately and it’s mainly because we’ve been so irritated with the world.  We’ve decided to channel our inner frusteration and make a new blog section.  Let us know if anything irks you too!  We might just feature it.
What’s the deal with….

Shampoo Commercials. Why is new shampoo always a “breakthrough discovery” and “perfected science”?? is that even possible?!  Do attractive women in lab coats and heels actually mull over the perfect ingredients? Its hair soap for peats sake! Soap + water = bing bang boom! clean.

Toilet Paper. Does two-ply really make a difference? is your bum THAT messy? Has one-ply actually ripped in your hands while wiping??? If so, maybe the real problem is coming from the source, if you know what I mean…

People who “bum” cigarettes. When someone on the street comes up to you and asks for a cigarette its become the social norm to say “sure man!” without thinking it strange. But what if someone random came up to you and asked for a piece of gum when they see you pop one? Or worse, a fry from your McDonalds happy meal?! You’d think they were a FREAK!  “um no…I don’t even know you…seriously?”.  Think about it!!!

No mirrors in change rooms. This is the WORST! Pretty sure when I try something on I’d like to see what I look like without everyone staring at me when I walk out to the communal mirror in the middle of the store. I don’t want to point fingers COSTA BLANCA, but this is just unacceptable!

The popcorn button on your microwave: Seriously have you ever actually pressed that button?  I have and it literally and technically only pops about 2/3rds of the kernels.  If you don’t know how to pop stop advertising your popcorn popping skills.

People with those big ear hole earingsFor real, that shit doesn’t grow back so why the hell would anyone ever do that to their ears.  I actually have trouble making converation with people who have them.  I just keep thinking you must be dumb as rocks. DUMB AS ROCKS.  It’s almost bad as doing this.

Rat tails:  I know it’s not the 90’s and not many people sport rat tails anymore but on occasion I do see them.  I always think to myself, that awful fashion/hair choice took years to develop.  For PETE’S sake, how has nobody told you how disgraceful rat tails are.  I also think, anyone with a rat tail must come from a trailer park (no offense all you trailer parkers we only have love for y’all) and how is that nobody at the trailer park has gotten drunk enough to just walk up to the damn thing and and cut it off.   I would do it after a glass of pinot…sheesh.


This morning I woke up and was extremely hungry.  I mean hungrier than a hippo or Randy Jackson before his stomach stapling surgery. I was searching through my fridge and I came across 2 things. 1. tubed cookie dough (Delicious!) and 2. eggs.

I thought to myself…what should I eat?  Eggs seem substantial.  Cookie dough seems delicious and so simple to eat…just a squeeze of the tube and satisfaction would be mine.  No muss, no fuss, no pesky shells!

So after 7 – 10 minutes, I finished eating my raw cookie dough and I started to go into a severe sugar and gluten comma, I began to regret my decision. I wish there was a better solution to my breakfast dilemma. I wish I could have eaten the substantial eggs but in an easier, more convenient form.  If you are anything like me, I really don’t like eating eggshells.  I find it make my eggs far too crunchy.

Well, luck be a lady this morning!  Look what I came across on the interweb!  Another incredibly useful, amazing, highly desired invention/food product created by the Japanese!  Tubed Eggs!  What could honestly be better?  Seriously?  Anything?  Seeing Justin Bieber ride a unicycle while eating Jello?  That would compare….but the Japanese have probably already create an App for that.  So don’t you worry!   Go on, grab some tubed eggs this morning and squeeze your breakfast onto your plate or (how I like it) directly into your pie hole.

 


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