Are you surprised that your family doesn’t want you at their festive feast this year? What did you do wrong? Did you double dip in Aunt Beths famous “Gummy bear and cream cheese delight”? Did you pick up Grandpa Joe from the airport only to find when you arrived to dinner that he is in fact not Grandpa Joe? Did you drink too much wine and pass out on the neighbours lawn with a turkey leg up your butt? Dear god, I wouldn’t want you back either! Don’t fret, cause that’s the beauty of family, they can avoid you, but they can never really get rid of you!
Step 1: Find the Location
You don’t know where dinner is being held this year because you didn’t receive an invite. No problem. Call around, claim ignorance, and make them feel bad. One of them is bound to crack! eg: “Oh hey Aunt Beth, I forgot who was hosting this year,” “Hey Uncle Steve, I lost my invite,” “Hows Grandpa Joe doing? Can’t wait to see him this year!”
Step 2: Infiltrate and Attack
haha! you’ve got the location, now you need to arrive without anyone really noticing. That way you’ll just “be there” and everyone will assume that you belong. Kind of like when you’re approached by a dinosaur, immediately put your hands to your chest and squawk, assimilate, beeee there. Back windows are a good place to start, but I find the very best strategy is finding the kids, your second cousins, your nieces and nephews, your little munchkins who will lead you down the yellow brick road to glory. They are bound to be playing in the backyard, just go round back and toss them a frisbee, BOOM you’re in. If you get all of them to tackle you while laughing, bonus points. Your family will eventually gaze out the window “hey, look who it is” “how long has he been here?” “who cares, at least he’s keeping the kids happy”
Step 3: Act like you did nothing wrong
Yes you are in, but there are still going to be a few angry relatives who demand an explanation for your behaviour last year. These ones will bring you down. I like to call them Land Mines. Three words: AVOID AVOID AVOID. Sit at the opposite end from anyone you suspect to be a LM. If you see them approaching you from across the room, redirect your gaze and claim you have to go to the bathroom. Some will be more persistent than others, these ones aren’t afraid to make a scene. Put the music on really loud so even if they are yelling, no one will hear them – alternatively you can “accidentally” lock them in the pantry. what?! There’s food in there…
Step 4: Tell an amazing story at Dinnertime – be the life of the party
This is it, it’s your time to shine. You’ve got everyone where you want them (including the unlucky relative in the pantry). Some people have trouble with this one, but we are going to tell you a little secret. Your worst moments make your best stories. We should know. Laura once got into a verbal altercation with a hooker in a Tim Hortons bathroom and I once accidentally put “urban” hair product into my hair and looked like I took a bath in vaseline. Heck, these weren’t our finest moments but they do make great dinner party stories. One thing I know for sure is, we always, ALWAYS get invited back. So what we suggest is telling the story of something stupid you did, perhaps even your previous thanksgiving when you woke up with a turkey leg in your arse on the neighbours front lawn. Too soon? Nah! The secret to telling stories that you believe some people will be offended by is simple… Just laugh really, really, really hard. Uncontrollable laughter will ease any uncomfortable situation. When you laugh uncontrollably other people will follow suit and whoever is left not laughing will look like the über douche. Hopefully this guy won’t be invited back next year, that is unless he reads this blog.
Step 5: Redeem yourself
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone wakes up with turkey skin flapping out of their butt every once in a while. Even Obama. Everyone always has a chance to redeem themselves though. After everyone is all limbered up from their laugh attack they will be more open to your bullshit. Feed them lies. Elaborate lies. Lies about helping underprivileged sweat shop children in New Guinea get degrees in restaurant management. People eat that shit up. Trust me. Have we ever lied you guys? No, not ever. We are experts in every field. Now, that they think you are a hero and no longer a zero…you are set for next year…. That is until they find Aunt Zelda in the pantry. Act confused if she tattles on you. Scratch your head, look dizzy….look concust. Concust people do crazy shit all the time. Now…start laughing…. Uncontrollably. You are as good as golden.