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Are you surprised that your family doesn’t want you at their festive feast this year? What did you do wrong? Did you double dip in Aunt Beths famous “Gummy bear and cream cheese delight”? Did you pick up Grandpa Joe from the airport only to find when you arrived to dinner that he is in fact not Grandpa Joe? Did you drink too much wine and pass out on the neighbours lawn with a turkey leg up your butt? Dear god, I wouldn’t want you back either! Don’t fret, cause that’s the beauty of family, they can avoid you, but they can never really get rid of you!

Step 1: Find the Location
You don’t know where dinner is being held this year because you didn’t receive an invite. No problem. Call around, claim ignorance, and make them feel bad. One of them is bound to crack!  eg: “Oh hey Aunt Beth, I forgot who was hosting this year,” “Hey Uncle Steve, I  lost my invite,” “Hows Grandpa Joe doing? Can’t wait to see him this year!”

Step 2: Infiltrate and Attack
haha! you’ve got the location, now you need to arrive without anyone really noticing. That way you’ll just “be there” and everyone will assume that you belong. Kind of like when you’re approached by a dinosaur, immediately put your hands to your chest and squawk, assimilate, beeee there. Back windows are a good place to start, but I find the very best strategy is finding the kids, your  second cousins, your nieces and nephews, your little munchkins who will lead you down the yellow brick road to glory.  They are bound to be playing in the backyard, just go round back and toss them a frisbee, BOOM you’re in. If you get all of them to tackle you while laughing, bonus points. Your family will eventually gaze out the window “hey, look who it is” “how long has he been here?” “who cares, at least he’s keeping the kids happy”

Step 3: Act like you did nothing wrong
Yes you are in, but there are still going to be a few angry relatives who demand an explanation for your behaviour last year. These ones will bring you down. I like to call them Land Mines. Three words: AVOID AVOID AVOID. Sit at the opposite end from anyone you suspect to be a LM. If you see them approaching you from across the room, redirect your gaze and claim you have to go to the bathroom. Some will be more persistent than others, these ones aren’t afraid to make a scene. Put the music on really loud so even if they are yelling, no one will hear them – alternatively you can “accidentally” lock them in the pantry. what?! There’s food in there…

Step 4: Tell an amazing story at Dinnertime – be the life of the party
This is it, it’s your time to shine. You’ve got everyone where you want them (including the unlucky relative in the pantry). Some people have trouble with this one, but we are going to tell you a little secret.  Your worst moments make your best stories. We should know.  Laura once got into a verbal altercation with a hooker in a Tim Hortons bathroom and I once accidentally put “urban” hair product into my hair and looked like I took a bath in vaseline.  Heck, these weren’t our finest moments but they do make great dinner party stories.  One thing I know for sure is, we always, ALWAYS get invited back.  So what we suggest is telling the story of something stupid you did, perhaps even your previous thanksgiving when you woke up with a turkey leg in your arse on the neighbours front lawn.  Too soon?  Nah!  The secret to telling stories that you believe some people will be offended by is simple… Just laugh really, really, really hard.  Uncontrollable laughter will ease any uncomfortable situation.  When you laugh uncontrollably other people will follow suit and whoever is left not laughing will look like the über douche.  Hopefully this guy won’t be invited back next year, that is unless he reads this blog.

Step 5: Redeem yourself
Everyone makes mistakes. Everyone wakes up with turkey skin flapping out of their butt every once in a while.  Even Obama.   Everyone always has a chance to redeem themselves though.  After everyone is all limbered up from their laugh attack they will be more open to your bullshit.  Feed them lies.  Elaborate lies. Lies about helping underprivileged sweat shop children in New Guinea get degrees in restaurant management.  People eat that shit up.  Trust me.  Have we ever lied you guys?  No, not ever.  We are experts in every field.  Now, that they think you are a hero and no longer a zero…you are set for next year…. That is until they find Aunt Zelda in the pantry.  Act confused if she tattles on you.  Scratch your head, look dizzy….look concust.  Concust people do crazy shit all the time.  Now…start laughing…. Uncontrollably.  You are as good as golden.

How do you  know if a movie is really terrible?  Well it has a bunch a celebs that you love like Paul Rudd, Owen Wilson and Reese Witherspoon but it also makes you want to breath in chlorophome and have a good ol fashioned forced nap.  Seriously this movie had the juice but it lacked substance, like Burt Reynolds without a moustache or Suzanne Sommers without the thigh master.  I have a serious crush on Paul Rudd, his short arms and blue eyes have a way of making me feel like a 12 year old girl after popping an ecstasy at a Bieber concert.  Soooo you would think that his ridiculously long drawn out scenes about god knows what would have me in a real Beiber fever, but NO…I literally just felt hung over.  The ecstasy had worn off, I felt lost and impotent.   I do not recommend anyone see this movie, there was really no point to it.  It didn’t make me laugh or cry or even scream or vomit.  Literally no point.  I give this movie 1 George Bush eating a cat out of 5.  Why George Bush eating a cat? No reason, there is no point to him eating the cat, just like there is no point to this movie.  That just happened.  Laura, what do you think?

How do you know when its time to walk out in the middle of a movie.  Oh I don’t know, when you just remembered that you left the coffee maker on, or you have explosive diareaah, OR when you put a dried up actress in a stupid rom com about…frankly I don’t even remember what it was about. I don’t even think the directors knew what it was about.  I don’t even think the innocent mail boy who delivers the mail to everyone in the production studio and eventually climbs his way to the top to become a famous movie producer knew what it was about. (or did that only happen in the 40s?). Nevertheless, it was abysmal. Wait I think that word is too sophisticated for this movie, I’m gunna say it was POOPY *fart noise*.

“Why did you see it laura?” you ask. Well I will tell you. But its kind of embarrassing, I was…drugged. YES ITS TRUE! I was drugged and kidnapped and before I knew it I woke up in a dark theatre with popcorn in my lap and a massive headache from hearing reese witherspoon’s incessant whining. Im okay, don’t worry. Thanks for your concern. I just need to rest.

I give this movie one rita bathing. Because that’s what I would have rather been watching.

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