Aries: be adventurous this weekend. fill your neighbours hot tub with chili and hide behind a bush. laugh as they dip into it and wonder why the water is more delicious than usual. jump out from behind the bush and yell “fiesta!”

Libra: Change your name to Pedro and Run for mayor. The familiarity of the name and its association with the lovable movie “Napolean Dynamite” will appeal to a large population. Be sure too put on a fake accent for authenticity.

Taurus: you were adopted

Scorpio: You will get a facebook friend request today. accept and reap the benefits of online popularity! initiate conversation by a poke or an invitation to farmville.

Gemini: take a nap today in a public place. leave your hat beside you to collect change. use the change to purchase a key. this is the key to your happiness.

Cancer: no one puts on a show like Liza. watch and learn.

Leo: Enter a photoshop contest today. Can’t find one?  Click here

Virgo: Dress up as your favourite smurf today, when people ask you why you are dressed like a smurf simply reply “It’s my prerogative.”

Sagittarius: If you have a headache at all today please be advised that it might be because you are wearing tight underwear.  Going commando today is more effective than Advil (even the migraine kind)

Capricorn: Pooping in a bucket today is not okay, save that sh%t for the weekend.

Aquarius: Some people say that wearing hot pants in the fall is against all rules of fashion.  You, Aquarius are the only one who can get away with this and only today.

Pisces: You will create a new law today that allows you to provoke squirrels with candy bars in public washrooms.