Aries: The weather is perfect for jumping on a large trampoline. try impressing your friends with a summersault or a slam dunk?

Libra: its time to pull out those overalls from your closet. maybe your one purpose in life was to bring back the 90’s. bring it back Libra. bring it back with vigor.

Taurus: If you play this song backwards, you will find the meaning of life.

Scorpio: when you travel to space this summer, make sure you join an aerobics class.

Gemini: You will wear a shirt today that will accentuate your nipples.

Cancer: Try something new today. like wearing your left shoe on your right foot. it will feel liberating, and will eventually give you the confidence to start your own business.

Leo: everybody knows the old question “how do you get the caramel in the caramilk bar?”. Did you ever stop to consider that maybe there are more important things in the world? wake up leo. wake up.

Virgo: stop watching the same ‘ol youtube videos. Its time to broaden your horizons.

Libra: The rodents in your neighborhood are rabid do not develop a relationship with them.

Sagitarius: Today you will not go swimming.  If you decide it’s a good idea to go swimming, think again. A child or elderly woman will blow chunks in the pool and it will have to be evacuated.

Capricorn: If you host a murder mystery party make sure to talk in a scottish accent it will throw off all of your competitors and you might just get away with murder (the fake kind for the game…not real murder..we don’t encourage that)

Aquarius: Drink lots of water today.  Remember to urinate though or your internal organs may drown in the vast amount of water that you drank.

Pisces: If you go exploring in a random forest today make sure to wear pants and shoes.  If not you might get bitten by bugs in inappropriate places..or you might get arrested.