Aries: Overalls WILL come back in style. It’s up to you Aries.
Libra: Do not trust anything with corn in it today.
Taurus: Umbrella’s will not harm you today…BUT they may harm other people, so beware and be protective.
Scorpio: Check you email, something important is waiting for you. If not, you may be suffering from a rare email disorder known as spam.
Gemini: I don’t like Gemini’s. Never have. You don’t deserve a horoscope.
Cancer: You smell like fish sticks. Take a bath. If not, don’t be social tonight.
Leo: You owe it to yourself to give yourself a facemask. stay away from the chocolate one though, you may be tempted to eat it.
Virgo: Matt Damon once said “Darn tootin, I am the most hansom man alive! And I’m getting rich because of it!” There is alot to learn from this quote.
Sagittarius: It’s time to start doing what you’ve been putting off for quite some time now…put on your unitard…and hand out coupons infront of nofrills, you were born to do it.
Capricorn: The strong silent type, I’ve always liked you. I predict you will need to speak up this weekend when you wake up to that young kid from Home improvement spooning you in your bed. a) where the hell has he been all these years? and b) why couldn’t I wake up to someone cooler?
Aquarius: You and Ellen Degeneres will have a table straddling contest this weekend. It will be the most exciting time of your life.
Pisces: eat more berries. not the blue ones, they will make your urine smell funny.
Ophiuchus: I don’t like you