Aries: you will feel gassy today. Too bad you’re going dancing. If the crowd disperses around you as you disperse your bodily gas, turn it into a positive – did someone say spontaneous dance circle?!! Go Aries! Go Aries! Go go, go Aries!

Libra: You weren’t allowed to watch The Simpson’s growing up, were you? That explains a lot. You have many anxieties, one being racism towards yellow people, this is unhealthy and hilarious.

Taurus: Embrace your faults. Except for your complete lack of hygene, it’s not very becoming of you

Scorpio: You learn something new everyday today you are going to learn that Jonah Hill (that crazy fat funny guy) is now really creepy skinny.  Check it out!

Gemini: Remember that Alanis song about Joey from Full House. “YOU OUGHTA KNOW, YOUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU YOUUU”. I don’t know what her problem was, didn’t she know that it was never gunna work? He lived in San Fran and was trying to make it as a comedian. Plau he had to babysit the goblin twins, what a needy bitch. Anyway the point is, stop being so needy!

Cancer: TGIF, right? WRONG. Get back to work cancer! That marshmellow castle won’t make itself

Leo:  Leo, we know you like to party…we get it.  Put your pants back on it’s like 3 in the afternoon, wait till 3am when this is appropriate.

Virgo: Refrain from going on a hot rod diet today you will gain 17 pounds of pure greasy butter.

Sagittarius:  Try a unique gum flavour today.   I suggest Vanilla and Mint. You might think it’s crazy but your tongue and teeth will thank you for it.

Capricorn: Nobody loves you.  Except us, so you should probably keep reading our blog. Plus we are really honest and will tell you when you are having a bad hair day.  Let’s call a spade a spade – it’s been a bad hair month for you.

Pisces: The Hanson brothers are playing in your neighborhood soon.  Not sure if Ike and Taylor or Zach are going to be there but they are brothers and their last names are Hanson or maybe Jonas.

Ophiuchus: You will poop your pants today. If not consider gripe water it helps with constipation.