Aries:  Your honey will get crusty today.  Have no fear, the microwave is near.

Libra:  Trident gum is not for you today, it will cause you to seize and have uncontrollable bowel movements.

Taurus:  Tea bag your best friend today. Preferably with Tetley Green Tea & Pomegranate infusion.

Scorpio: Drink lots of milk today, your bones are exceptionally brittle.  If you are lactose intolerant wear a full body protective suit to ensure that you don’t break any bones.

Gemini:  Kelsey Grammar wants to tell you a knock knock joke.  It’s not very funny so don’t bother calling him.

Cancer:  Start a lemonade stand but instead of selling lemonade sell popcorn.  Your profit per kernal is higher than your profit per lemon.

Leo:  Control yourself! If you have a craving to eat roadkill, stop yourself.  You CAN obtain rabies from eating a roasted dead squirrel.

Virgo: wow virgo,  you have come a long way. no really I dont know how you do that commute every morning, you’re crazy.

Sagittarius: sag rhymes with vag, hahah. worst horoscope sign EVER. no but really, be weary of small asian men today, they carry small knives, and they are quick.

Capricorn: stop using vicks vapour rub, you smell like a miami bartender from the 80’s.

Aquarius: you have a magnetic personality, almost as magnetic as magnet boy. thats effed.

Pisces: amy whinehouse once said ” oy, where me pants at?” That sentence has more meaning than you will ever know.

Ophiuchus: you’re still around? didnt we conclude that your sign doesnt exist? go away! gawd, you Ophiuchus’s really know how to overstay your welcome.