Aries: Your honey will get crusty today. Have no fear, the microwave is near.
Libra: Trident gum is not for you today, it will cause you to seize and have uncontrollable bowel movements.
Taurus: Tea bag your best friend today. Preferably with Tetley Green Tea & Pomegranate infusion.
Scorpio: Drink lots of milk today, your bones are exceptionally brittle. If you are lactose intolerant wear a full body protective suit to ensure that you don’t break any bones.
Gemini: Kelsey Grammar wants to tell you a knock knock joke. It’s not very funny so don’t bother calling him.
Cancer: Start a lemonade stand but instead of selling lemonade sell popcorn. Your profit per kernal is higher than your profit per lemon.
Leo: Control yourself! If you have a craving to eat roadkill, stop yourself. You CAN obtain rabies from eating a roasted dead squirrel.
Virgo: wow virgo, you have come a long way. no really I dont know how you do that commute every morning, you’re crazy.
Sagittarius: sag rhymes with vag, hahah. worst horoscope sign EVER. no but really, be weary of small asian men today, they carry small knives, and they are quick.
Capricorn: stop using vicks vapour rub, you smell like a miami bartender from the 80’s.
Aquarius: you have a magnetic personality, almost as magnetic as magnet boy. thats effed.
Pisces: amy whinehouse once said ” oy, where me pants at?” That sentence has more meaning than you will ever know.
Ophiuchus: you’re still around? didnt we conclude that your sign doesnt exist? go away! gawd, you Ophiuchus’s really know how to overstay your welcome.