Aries: Sit outside of your local Tim Hortons today and sing/scream “I’ll Make Love To You” by Boys 2 Men. Time how long it takes for you to get arrested. To speed up the process remove your pants.
Libra: Think honey is a good moisturizer because it looks so moist? It’s sticky fool, if you use it you will be sticky too.
Taurus: You should take the day off tomorrow. To prepare start to cough now and ask, “is it hot in here?” or walk into the wall and say, “Woah I didn’t see that there.”
Scorpio: Go to a restaurant with all-you-can-eat crab legs. Stuff gigantic purse with crab legs. Immediately or 3 weeks later sell crab legs on e-bay for 4 times the cost of buffet.
Gemini: Thinking of making your own wine? Don’t. You will suck at making wine and everyone who drinks it will laugh at you and cry and vomit and possibly die.
Cancer: You are sleeping right now. You think you are reading this but it’s all a dream. Pinch someone to test this theory.
Leo: Today you are a poet. You didn’t know it, but you do now because you read this. Write a poem now, send it to us and get your first poem published. It will be great. Unless it’s not. I’m having trouble telling if you are going to be a really good poet today or a really really really bad one. I blame the shifting of the universe on this poor reading.
Virgo: Your aura is looking a little brown today. Listen to barbara streisand’s greatest hits collection on repeat for 3 hours to turn it red and a little bit gay.
Sagittarius: Stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lumber jack. If you are a lumber jack…you really need to get a new job. for real. its 2011.
Capricorn: Try something adventurous today. like building a 3D puzzle or budding in line at starbucks, or pooping in a public garbage can
Aquarius: I sense something large preventing you from being liked. This may be a tall hat or your massive ego.
Pisces: Time to get crazy today. Call an ex-lover and ask them to pick up a carton of milk on their way home. when they ask what the hell is going on, threaten to boil their rabbit.
Ophiuchus: Dont listen to what everyone else says, you ARE a great singer. get on stage, belt it out (and send us the video when you do)