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Posts Tagged ‘Astrological sign


Aries:  Sit outside of your local Tim Hortons today and sing/scream “I’ll Make Love To You”  by Boys 2 Men.  Time how long it takes for you to get arrested.  To speed up the process remove your pants.

Libra:  Think honey is a good moisturizer because it looks so moist?  It’s sticky fool, if you use it you will be sticky too.

Taurus:  You should take the day off tomorrow.  To prepare start to cough now and ask, “is it hot in here?”  or walk into the wall and say, “Woah I didn’t see that there.”

Scorpio:  Go to a restaurant with all-you-can-eat crab legs.  Stuff  gigantic purse with crab legs.  Immediately or 3 weeks later sell crab legs on e-bay for 4 times the cost of buffet.

Gemini:  Thinking of making your own wine?  Don’t.  You will suck at making wine and everyone who drinks it will laugh at you and cry and vomit and possibly die.

Cancer:   You are sleeping right now.  You think you are reading this but it’s all a dream. Pinch someone to test this theory.

Leo:  Today you are a poet. You didn’t know it, but you do now because you read this. Write a poem now, send it to us and get your first poem published.  It will be great. Unless it’s not.  I’m having trouble telling if you are going to be a really good poet today or a really really really bad one. I blame the shifting of the universe on this poor reading.

Virgo: Your aura is looking a little brown today. Listen to barbara streisand’s greatest hits collection on repeat for 3 hours to turn it red and a little bit gay.

Sagittarius: Stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lesbian. If you are a lesbian, stop wearing plaid shirts. They make you look like a lumber jack. If you are a lumber jack…you really need to get a new job. for real. its 2011.

Capricorn: Try something adventurous today. like building a 3D puzzle or budding in line at starbucks, or pooping in a public garbage can

Aquarius: I sense something large preventing you from being liked. This may be a tall hat or your massive ego.

Pisces: Time to get crazy today. Call an ex-lover and ask them to pick up a carton of milk on their way home. when they ask what the hell is going on, threaten to boil their rabbit.

Ophiuchus: Dont listen to what everyone else says, you ARE a great singer. get on stage, belt it out (and send us the video when you do)


BIG NEWS!
did you hear?? the earth has shifted 43.5 degrees on its rotator cuff and has caused major drama in many areas of life. Kittens are multiplying at a terrifying speed, bob saggot is running for mayor in wisconson, and astrological signs are all outta wack! I know…I know. this is terrible news. (except for me, cause Im a leo and leos are awesome. brrrrap)

We take these matters seriously here at designchicks inc. and we STRONGLY recommend you check here for your new sign or your horoscope may not be as accurate as they always are! so don’t blame us if you didnt get that memo about not participating in an organized sport tonight.

Aries: Do not go horseback riding this weekend, you will fall of your horse and forget about your entire 3rd grade class.

Libra: ya I think its time. get that sex change

Taurus: go to a bar tonight and flash someone. they deserve it, they’ve had a long day.

Scorpio: you are in a very tough position right now. lemur or lemons? mixed or mangled? toxic or non toxic? cant really help you with this one, just be aware that your choices are WACKED

Gemini: learn a new dance today from a trained professional

Cancer: are you wearing your wednesday panties today?? how embarassing

Leo: keep being awesome! you are so great. 

Virgo:  Bury your favourite umbrella today.  Bury it at least 3 feet underground, but not by a beach.  Ye be warned.

Sagittarius:  If you hang out by a pizza hut parking lot tonight past 9.20 pm some may get the wrong impression of you.

Capricorn:  You will meet a (not the) mother goose today.  She will greet you with a large wet poop right on the back of your neck.  To  prevent embarrassment and serious hygiene issues wear a white turtle neck.

Aquarius:  Get a tattoo today.  If you can’t think of what to get, try something unique like Nick Nolte having coffee with Pochahontas.

Pisces:  You need a new pair of shoes, may we suggest these.

Ophiuchus: The sandwich that you left in the fridge 2 weeks ago should not be fed to your dog. This seriously could happen. Seriously, it happened to my aunts friends facebook poke friend.


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