Aries: Wednesday! what a day! It reminds me of most Aries, in the middle and kind of forgettable. Wow that was an offensive one! We’re sorry, but we can’t sugar-coat our visions. Take it like a man.

Libra: Adopting a chimp is NOT a good idea, no matter how many times you’ve seen Monkey Trouble. What ever happened to that actress anyways? [pause for google search] Not a whole a lot apparently. Last movie she was in was Pregnancy Pact, a made-for-TV movie about teen girls who decide to get pregnant at the same time…so owning a chimp = career suicide! Dont be stupid Libra.

Taurus: Be the change you wish to see in the world. And if the world was a glass of water from your fridge it would be a really dirty place – It’s time to change your brita filter Taurus. Seriously, its been 2 years. Thats really uncalled for.

Scorpio: We know you had a really weird dream last night. We won’t tell anyone, just take comfort in knowing that dreaming of David Copperfield vacuuming your basement in a 2-piece is totally normal. It just means you need to budget more wisely.

Gemini: Did you know that the word “Gemini” is derived from a popular dish in Germany called “German Fry”? A classic dish consisting of one cucumber-sized fry, covered in Rotwurst and Flönz oder Blunzen? mmmmm. Stay away from small appliances today.

Cancer: Time for a change of scene. Take a trip! Venus is in your convexular, which means this is a good or bad idea…best to stay put then.

Leo: Pick a card. did you pick one? now close your eyes. BAM! its the Seven of spades! wow. could we BE any more psychic?

Virgo: Thinking about what to get your loved ones this year for christmas?  Have no fear, subscribe them to our blog! It’s free and they will never go hungry again (if they follow our horoscopes everyday, we will ensure that they eat everyday)

Sagittarius:  Park your car in a traffic calming zone today.  Take a break, get a massage, take a nap.  This is an zone for calming after watching the movie Traffic. We know you watched it last night, Sagittarius, because we know everything. ©2011

Capricorn: Try something different today, may we suggest Soy peanut butter?  It’s a nice alternative and his has no nut products in it.  Bam! Nut free-for-life.

Aquarius:  Your sense of smell is heightened today.  It’s because the moon has passed over your left nostril.  Avoid the meat section at the grocery store, unless you want to bloody cows.

Pisces:  Protect yourself from gypsies today. On the gypsy calender, today is attack a Pisces today.  Don’t trust anyone, even Jasmine from Disney’s Aladdin.

Ophiuchus:  Most people say: don’t steal candy from a baby.  We say  don’t steal candy from a pornstar, you don’t know where that sh*t has been.  Oy!