Posts Tagged ‘Wallet’
These horoscopes are geared towards anyone going back to school. Although they can be applied to anyone. Replace teacher with sister or boss or homeless guy down the street and you are as good as golden. Replace school with sushi bar and whammy – everyones moons are aligned.
Aries: Nobody in your school has a peanut allergy. Let’s be honest…peanut allergies don’t exist. Neither do gluten or ragweed allergies. Stand up for your rights and bring a peanut butter/ gluten and ragweed sandwich to school today.
Libra: Don’t like your teacher? Neither did Clay Aiken, and look how he turned out! No talent, weird hair and he has a strange obsession with rubber chickens. Think twice about not liking your teacher. Rubber chicken fetishes are hard to shake.
Clay Aiken is obsessed with rubber chickens.
Taurus: If you want to get noticed early on in the school year “accidentally” forget your pants at home. You will be a shoe-in for prom queen/king or most likely to be in a Marky Mark and the funky bunch cover band. Both equally as cool school statuses.
Scorpio: Do not, I repeat, DO NOT get a locker near the science lab. You will 100% lose a limb, or possibly forget your locker combo. This reading isn’t coming in to clear.
Gemini: Need to pick a topic for a speech? Stick to what you know Gemini. Recipes containing fluff or the need for a universal language containing only whistles and kicks. In fact, you should perform your entire speech in this language. Your teacher will love it and you might even get moved to a class for special people.
Cancer: Thinking about trying the new chicken burger in your school cafeteria? Think twice about it. It has been endorsed by the one and only, you guessed it, Clay Aiken. That chicken is rubber fool.
Leo: You don’t know this yet but you are severely allergic to peanuts/gluten and ragweed. Make sure you bring an EpiPen to school today, we suspect Aries might bring a sandwich in that might send you into Anaphylactic shock.
Virgo: Want to make nice with your new teacher? Forget about that shiny apple in your backpack, its 2012! (and it has been proven that an apple a day does NOT keep the doctor away, it rots your teeth!). Instead, give her a poster of Audrey Hepburn with one of those wishy washy quotes of hers about looking pretty and wearing shoes, chicks like that right?
Sagittarius: You were a nerd last year, but this time things will change! why? because a) your former bully went to fat camp this past summer and got stuck in a tire swing, firefighters are still trying to cut him out. b) watch “17 Again” it has all the tips and tricks on how to be the cool kid. PLUS you get to oogle over Zack Effron for 2 hours! Man he’s hot…
Capricorn: Join a club this year! Chances are your school will start a Glee club cause apparently they needed a tv-show to affirm that singing and dancing is in fact FUCKING AWESOME.
Aquarius: So you fell in love with an australian chick over the summer and broke up with her cause she was leaving. And now school has started and that same chick goes to your school now! And your friends are asking you to tell them ALL about it! and your like “those suuuuuummer niiiiiiights” and then you make a musical about it and get rich. BAM.
Pisces: TARGET is now in TORONTO!! You can FINALLY get those perfect back-to-school outfits on those happy kids you saw in their commercials but could never have!
Ophiuchus: You went back to school today only to find out you still don’t exist. Boom.
Aries: There’s a sale at fortinos on PC’s Smores Kits. You should probably buy some and invite your good friend Aquarius up to your cottage this weekend. Actually wait till next weekend, she’s more available then. You’re aquarius friend is not a female? Watch out then..he’s probably stollen your wallet or your first born child. Don’t have a child yet? That’s just what he’s made you believe.
Libra: YOu need to do some serious soul searching today. You’ve lost your soul, seriously and it can’t be found in no lost and found. Perhaps look here. Just kidding that’s just a bunch of funny batmans. You are so screwed.
Taurus: Take a left turn out of your house today. If this is not the direction you normally take than it is clearly a mistake to go to work and or wherever else you were going today. Keep making lefts until you arrive at a yogurt shop. Don’t forget to order some for your good friends at Design chicks.
Scorpio: You will join a pottery class today. While making a bowl, you will feel the presence of your recently decesed boyfriend. You will suddenly feel the urge to sing “unchained melody”. go with it. it’s hot.
Gemini: Don’t take any chances today! Your moon is around the seventh star to your left, which means you are extremely accident prone today. May we suggest going out in public in this type of attire.
Cancer: Barney is back! and he’s coming to get you! no really…you should run. He says you owe him ten dollars…and we’ve seen him bust some knee caps… He starts with a song…It aint pretty.
Leo: You’ve been thinking about starting your own business. We know, it’s a risk. But you are ready. we’re thinking cupcakes!! maybe start your own show, called the cupcake girls! So original, never been done before at nauseum.
Virgo: Today you should try and start a social media trend. Make your facebook status ‘I like green yogurt on a pony.’ When people ask what that means just respond, “it’s to raise awareness for people who are scared of fabric. You should do it too.. Take the colour of your underwear, the first thing you ate today and your favourite animal and that’s your status”. See how many people hop on with this trend.
Sagittarius: Remember those collectable backstreet boys stickers that you sold at your parents garage sale 12 years ago? Well apparantly they’re worth thousands now. But don’t feel so bad, the howie one’s are worth nothing. He’s still a loser.
Capricorn: You’ve been eating waaaaay too much meat. Don’t you realize the Veganaria moon is in fill circulation this month? You’ve really been throwing off your chi. Drink some mustard, this should balance things.
Aquarius: You are going to go to a cottage soon or you are going to steal someones baby and or wallet. If you steal their wallet check to see if they have a gold starbucks card.
Pisces: “Dust in the wind. All we are is dust in the wind.” This beautiful song was actually a jingle for the hoover vacuum in 1952. no deeper meaning. none at all.
Ophiuchus: You ate some magic dust today to see if you actually existed only to realize you just ate regular dust. You are a disgrace Ophiuchus. The only thing that exists less than you is Libra’s soul.
