Ohhh girl, here’s Tuesdays Horoscopes!

Aries: A tuba player wants you to believe there is something in his tuba, this is the oldest trick in the book for a tuba player..Do not fall for it….there is nothing special in the tuba besides saliva and air.

Libra: Take a leap of faith today. Try a bright coloured pant.

Taurus: Your foot will smell like a dirty sausage if you wear shoes without socks or if you rub dirty sausages on them

Scorpio: If you recently read that bacon grease makes a great conditioner make sure not to use it today you will get attacked by bears and this guy.

Gemini: If you have an inkling to watch an old episode of full house, try season 3 episode 6. The morals will guide you through life and beyond.

Cancer: You will eat a large amount of cheese today. Also do not put lemon in your tea with milk, the milk will curdle and that kind of cheese is super gross.

Leo: Make it a Hasbro Game Night!

Virgo: Today is a good day to talk to an old friend (specifically between the ages of 60-75)

Sagittarius: your sign comes from the word ‘Sagitarium’ which is the latin word for “gassy”. stay away from beans today.

Capricorn: DONT EAT THE LUNCH YOU PACKED TODAY! IT WILL EXPLODE. And it will be captured on film, and edited really poorly.

Aquarius: Watch Glee tonight at 9 on FOX! If you don’t, you will pay the consequences

Pisces: If crossing a bridge today, you will be stopped by a leprechaun. He will ask you his questions three. The answers to these questions (in no particular order) are: “Star Wars Episode III”, “Baked not broiled”, and “I can’t believe its not butter”. God speed my friend, god speed.