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I know what you are thinking.  Why the heck haven’t you done this before?  I don’t have an answer for that, so just relax.  We are doing it now and if you’re lucky we will do it again next year.  There is so much Oscar buzz out there right now I can hardly contain myself.  Just kidding, most of it is stupid and boring.  So we’ve decided to create this super unboring and unstupid Oscar Preview.  FINALLY RIGHT?! You are welcome!

Best sound editing: Obviously goes to whoever made this video (he MUST be nominated, we would be shocked if he wasn’t)

Best Actor in a Leading Role: Rob Ford – His leading role as Mayor of Toronto has definitely been a performance to talk about! But what has really impressed the Academy is the physical transformation he went through to look the part.  Here’s a before and after picture of him.

rob ford wins oscar

Documentary Feature: This documentary about a goat eating dinner wins for so many reasons;  mainly because it really, really makes you think.

Biggest Oscar Snub: Smurfs 2.  We know why this didn’t get nominated. Bottom line: the Academy is filled with a bunch of racists.

smurfs 2

Most shocking nomination: Dallas Buyers Club.  Why?  We know it’s a great movie.  It’s just the Academy is usually very snobby when it comes to nominating sequels.  I mean, hello, Smurfs 2 wasn’t nominated.  So we were just surprised that the sequel to Ghosts of Girlfriends Past was.

ghost of dallas

Best picture:  Again an obvious winner here … This picture of a squirrel waiting for a bus! gardensquirrelhandbag-wallpaper

Most likely to have a nip-slip:  Ellen DeGeneres

ellen

Most likely to get really thin before Oscars and then gain the weight back before the end of the night: Jonah Hill

Jonah Hill skinny and fat

Most like to storm the stage and pull a Kanyé West:  Tom Hanks – seriously, that guy is a ticking time bomb.

Tom-HanksMost likely to be dealing out Quaaludes on the red carpet:  Leonardo Dicaprio

the-wolf-of-wall-street-official-extended-trailer-0-640x426

Most likely to buy Quaaludes from Leonardo Dicaprio on the red carpet:  June Squibb

Nebraska Screening at AFI Fest

 


Aries:  The secret is out Aries, you have a fetish for clowns doing demolition derby.  We get it. Don’t be ashamed.

Libra:  Try your best to act like you believe George Lopez would today.  For Libras today is WWGLD day. Cherish this day, it only comes around ever 17 years.

Taurus: Go out for lunch today you deserve it!  Do not eat anything on the left side of the menu.  You will get food poisoning and possibly die or poop your pants in public.  I’m not sure if it’s my left side or yours…. hmm.  Sorry this reading is a little foggy.

Scorpio:  Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what you’re going to get.  Except when you order a big mac.  Apparently even if you order one in Japan they make it the same way.  You should probably go there and test out this theory.

Gemini: UGh Gemini, stop complaining!  You really grind our gears.  Take a moment today to reflect on all the good things in life like mock turtle necks and this.

Cancer: I think it’s time to buy a new sofa. Remember when Uncle Murray pooped on your sofa? It’s still smells like Uncle Murrays poop. Check out Leon’s Ho Ho Hold the payments sale on right now!

Leo:  It will snow on your car today. Do not panick, it’s just snow, not particles from your hair.  If you are nervous about your horrendous dandruff, Head & Shoulders does work.  Troy Poloumolou says so!

Virgo: Take a dance lesson tonight. Specifically Mime Jazz. Yes it exists. and its amazing.

Sagittarius: Pockets can say a lot about a person. For example, your pockets are rather big. This means you used to be a kangaroo in your previous life. Look inside your pockets…you will find a 2 in 1 shampoo and conditioner sample. Wash your hair with this to bring you good health.

Capricorn: Blossom Russo is your soulmate. Yes I know, awful news. But you must accept this and reach out to her. she’s waiting.

Aquarius: I think its time for you to start a diary ——- If you thought that was a good suggestion, then you are super lame. a diary? hahah what a loser.

Pisces: Pisces are very good at cards. You should try your luck at a casino tonight. If you lose all your money, then you are not a true pisces and your entire childhood was a lie. You should probably find your real parents.

Ophiuchus: Go crazy this weekend! buck wild! rent Cocktail .


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